AIBU to want the nursery to offer him different food?

[LilacPomPom]

I have a 17mo old son who attends nursery twice a week for half days (Tuesday 8-1 & Thursday 8-1).
These are not funded hours at all and are entirely paid by myself & my partner for the small fortune of over £400+ a month.

When we looked around the nursery, I was in awe of the menu and how established it was with a variety of foods and I found it quite fancy. It has a “home cooked” kind of vibe to it but with extras so instead of a beef bolognaise, he’s offered lamb (which I think is slightly odd as it’s not what I would expect from a Spag Bol essentially).

Since September, my LO barely eats there. We’ve changed his diet at home to eating what me & my partner eat and he does really well. He’s a bit funny with textures but he has changed drastically and does brilliantly at home.

He rarely eats at nursery. Out of the whole of September, he’s eaten 2-3 portions of breakfast and maybe the mash from a lunch or the plain pasta from lunch. Today, I’ve looked on the nursery app to see if he’d eaten breakfast. Nope.

i’m a little irked that they don’t offer him anything else. He’s offered one option of “beans on toast” and if he doesn’t eat it, he’s not offered cereal (which I know he would eat at least some of) or anything else. The same applies for lunch too. I’m not allowed to bring food into the nursery for them to give like a box of cereal or the bread he has at home (just even silly things like that) due to allergies in the nursery.

i’m getting a bit annoyed that we’re paying all the money and he’s not even being offered an alternative and he’s just not eating and their happy with that. I’m unsure whether to make a comment to them about just offering him something else. Like, today he was given Beans on Toast. He ate none. However, I know that he eats toast with butter all the time and he has had beans before, just mashed into a potato.

AIBU to expect them to at least offer an alternative and be upset that they’re literally not phased if he doesn’t eat at nursery especially when I’m paying the full price for his hours? (we’re one of maybe 5 families who get no funded hours at all).

I know the money thing shouldn’t make a difference but there’s also a few little things that we can/can’t do as we’re not funded. All children, regardless of financial status, should be entitled to healthy and nutritious food - it just stings a little that we’re paying for the addition of food (compulsory) and he’s not eating anything.

So she does - I obviously didn’t read it properly and assumed beans on toast was lunch.

Some responses are a little 'computer says no'. Surely if you notice a young child is regularly refusing food, you offer them an alternative? Many children eat bread or toast, with or without some kind of topping. It wouldn't even occur to me to serve a child beans on toast without asking whether they want the beans on the toast or separate. Many young kids hate food mixing.

OP, I'd just have a conversation with the nursery and say you've noticed your child doesn't eat anything at nursery, and you would like them to. Could they please be offered the plain cereal available etc. If they're too fixated on their way or the highway, you'll have to consider alternatives, like feeding your child before/after nursery, or finding an alternative childcare arrangement.

Our kids don't get a choice over what they eat at home so they certainly don't expect it at school/nursery.
If they don't eat it they can go without. Don't make a rod for your own back.

Er, because children need to learn to eat what they're given? Why should the nursery collude in encouraging fussy eating, especially when it creates work for them?
He'll get it, eventually, and just eat with all the other kids.

My daughter rarely ate lunch at nursery, she was only in a couple of days and I thought it was good for her to see that in some situations you get what you're given. I'd always make sure she had a big dinner, and I did a pre breakfast snack in the car (a croissant and some fruit or yoghurt tube/pouch). She's a picky eater still, but the reality is a big setting can't accommodate all tastes and choices - it's hard enough meeting all allergies and vegan/vegie/religious requirements, without adding personal taste into it unfortunately. It's annoying when you pay, but it is what it is. He also might just want to be busy, and any food will stop him having fun, so he won't eat regardless. She didn't like school lunches much either, so it's good prep for that transition!

Totally missing the point but you pay £400+ a month for 40 hours ie £10 an hour?
I used to pay more than £10 an hour to have my horses' field poo picked. And I did not provide meals! 😂

Why don’t you give them breakfast before nursery? I’ve always done that even though both of mine have eaten well at nursery, then you know they’re set up well for the day.

Also might be a stupid question but have you actually had a meeting with the nursery to talk through your concerns? They are used to dealing with fussy eaters all the time.

I’m torn on this one. Our eldest used to eat everything at nursery and home. Not fussy at all (except for leeks). Then they got a new cook and started a very random menu that a lot of adults wouldn’t even choose (it was 20 years ago now, but I remember some strange aubergine dish in particular). They used to have a board up and it noted which child had eaten and how much. We had asked the nursery numerous times if we could send a meal in from home as he wasn’t eating there anymore but they said no. One day my husband noticed the board showed out of 15-20 kids, all but three were marked as not eating a single spoonful and the 3 that did eat only had a couple of spoonfuls. When he pointed out that clearly none of the kids were happy with this particular meal, they chose to remove the board so that parents couldn’t see this anymore and kept the dish on the menu. We were a few months off starting school at this stage, so we didn’t move him as that would have been too disruptive. We did move his younger brother though as soon as he turned 3 and could go to the pre-school attached to our eldest son’s school.

I would consider moving nurseries over this issue.

I think this could be because he has relatively little time in nursery and comes out basically straight after lunch. He's coming out at 1pm and then he will get familiar food in a familiar environment. Easier to hang on for that perhaps.

You could ask if he could have something off the baby or preschool menu if it's different - my baby liked finger foods so our nursery would sometimes give him the older children's food when they were having crackers or something.

Only 2 half days a week is not enough for some children to settle well at nursery. We reduced nursery hours for our eldest when I was on mat leave with younger siblings and it really didn't work well. She was so much happier when we increased back up to 2 full days a week.

I can’t tell if you’re more annoyed that you are paying for a nursery place, than the food.

£400 a month is £50 a day. Thats pretty cheap for a day nursery, and not extortionate.

Nurserys cannot offer alternatives or the children will always be holding out for what else is on offer.

if you are not happy with the food on offer, you can look at alternative child care provisions, or a child minder. It’s more likely that he is adapating to being in a different environment with lots going on.

I don’t think it’s feasible. If they offered him an alternative then other children might ask for this alternative as well, or ask for something different entirely, and soon they’ll cook three different lunches for each child.

I don’t like nurseries for little kids because this is what you get, institutional group care where your child is one of many. Having said that, if you choose to send your child to nursery then you need to understand that your child won’t get special treatment. I’ve never heard of nursery offering options at meal times. If you want individual care, you need to look after himself or get a nanny.

This!
I would be very disappointed with their limited offering, it's been many years since my child was in nursery but if he didn't eat at each meal his key worker would raise it with me. I would raise it with them.

Maybe earning too much!

”Just because my hours are funded doesn’t mean I am rich. It’s based of NET income pre-tax and personally, I work in the NHS so I’m not exactly raking it in.”

you’ve confused net and gross - gross is before deductions (ie pre-tax) net is after deductions.

Also, at least one of you must be on over £100k or you’d get some funding. You both work so you clearly have significant household income.

I'm a early years educator. Its the same at our nursery and it was at my old place too. Personally I do things like put their beans in a bowl and the toast next to the bowl on the table in case they don't want them to mix. But often the meal comes from the kitchen ready mixed like pasta in sauce, fish pie etc.

There are no alternatives, except in rare cases. However, Most nurseries have a dessert after lunch or a fruit snack in the mornings. They also offer milk. Pretty much 100% of kids love fruit and milk, so it's not like they eat nothing all day.

Sounds like with your child it's the setting rather than the food. Another thing is I don't know if this is the case with you but a lot of toddlers are fed by parents, in high chairs, while watching TV. (Not judging. I've been guilty in the past). To go from that to sitting at a table with others, expected to self feed (mostly), and distracted by a different environment can mean it's challenging for toddlers.

Regardless of price paid nursery ratio is 1:3 for your child's age and once he's 2 it will be 1:5. I'd work on feeding at home which it sounds like you're doing already, and ask the nursery how things are served/how meal times are done so you can maybe do some role play at home and modelling. Keep in touch with them and if you do have concerns of course speak to them but I do think this is not uncommon.

Have you had a chat with nursery to get their impressions of why he's not eating and what might be possible to help him? If he's too busy playing and doesn't want to stay at the table, that's a different issue to if he's sitting at the table, but doesn't want to eat.

If he only started in September, he might also not be fully settled yet, particularly as he only goes a couple mornings a week. Eating was the last thing to settle for both my daughters – one week they'd barely touch their favourites, even a packed lunch sent in, the next they suddenly ate reasonable amounts of almost everything. I'd definitely consider this possibility if he's consistently not eating things at nursery he often eats at home.

Our nursery do seem to be more supportive than most on here with separating out parts of the meal a child would eat, occasionally offering an alternative, etc., so such nurseries do exist if that's what you decide your son needs.

It does sound daft that they don't just put the beans in a seperate bowl as a matter of course. Those who want the beans on the toast can have a key worker pour them from the bowl v quickly.
Also, entirely poss8ble that nursery uses a v different brand of beans to you anyway!

I'd just speak to nursery and see what they say.

@LilacPomPom i can understand your concern. It’s not nice thinking of your child being hungry and we do attach a lot to children eating as parents. I do agree that there could be an exception made that if he could just have toast and butter rather than beans on toast if they’re making the toast anyway. Have you spoken to the nursery manager about this? Is it a particularly big class? I don’t think this would be too much to ask them to facilitate. If they refuse to facilitate then I suspect your options are feed him breakfast before he goes and after you collect him at lunch time or think of another childcare setting.

this is not a criticism but children who are in nursery for shorter periods can take a bit longer to settle in. How long has he been going there? Does he seem otherwise settled there? He may just need a little more time. Because he’s only there 2 mornings a week every refused meal is quite a large proportion of the meals he has. Whereas my daughter is in nursery 4 full days a week. She may well refuse 2 meals in a week but it doesn’t seem that big of a deal in the grand scheme because she eats others if you see what I mean. I’m sure we’ve all had situations where we’ve offered something to our kids they usually love and all of a sudden they hate it that day. In those situations with my 16th month old I often don’t have an alternative and she will go hungry - and she survives. (Although usually she would have eaten something else in the day) The point I’m making is your child’s health isn’t at risk as he spends half his nursery days at home with you which is more than enough to compensate for any food he doesn’t eat there - although I appreciate it’s annoying he doesn’t eat there .

I’m afraid funded or not - they will have meal time policies, and should I believe treat all kids the same but I do agree that some tiny tweaks could be made to encourage him to eat more.

Sorry yes, YABU. The money is irrelevant. The nursery have a sensible policy on food- one dish for all. It’s recognised to be a really effective way to encourage kids to try new things. The minute you start offering plain toast, plain pasta and fruit the kids will hold out for that every meal and ignore the chicken stew, enchiladas etc.

It’s your DC so your choice to continue sending him to that nursery or not, but unless he’s coming home upset or obviously hungry each time I would let this one go.

I think you have to take the long view of this, OP. If you have a 'fussy' child, one of two things will happen. The first is that eventually they'll get used to the food and will be hungry enough to eat it. There are lots of children who just don't fancy particular foods but will eventually eat them if there's no alternative. This is not a bad thing, children don't have to like every meal. How long has your LO been at this nursery, it sounds like early days yet?

The second is that you do actually have a very selective eater, in which case watch out for your child decreasing his range of 'safe' foods as he gets older and try to guard against this as much as possible - it's not easy! Keep doing what you're doing and offering variety.

Also, focus on what is actually causing your child distress. If he's not bothered about eating because there are many more exciting things to do, then it's not an issue.

My child doesn't get upset at all about not eating anything at school, but gets very upset when teachers or staff try to bully them into eating. So that's the thing I've complained about to the school, not the food itself, and they now know to leave DC1 well alone when it comes to food.

What do the nursery actually give as an explanation as to why he isn’t eating there? Is he too distracted? Does he want to have the same as another child with a different diet? I agree that if you aren’t allowed to provide your own lunch that they should be making as much effort as possible to interest him in at least part of the meal.

If lunch is very close to pick up time it might just be that he knows he can have food at home instead in an environment that he feels comfortable.

It takes at least 10 or more tastes of the same food for kids to hopefully come to like it. That includes textures as well unfortunately. For example my DD has always been happy to eat chips (naked mcaains incase MN decides I’m a monster 😅) but it’s taken till age 4 for her to like eating baked or boiled potatoe. Mash is the next frontier. So it might be the case that it’s an issue both you and the nursery need to work on together to support him with trying new things and becoming comfortable with different textures or eating environment. My DD preschool new what colour plates all the kids preferred and things like that make them feel secure.

I think your title and comments about offering an alternative imply that you were hoping that the nursery would provide a different meal, which is probably why you're getting a lot of negativity. I don't think there is any harm in asking the nursery if he can have beans on toast separately but you may need to accept that it might not be possible with some meals and he'll need to get used to it. Maybe try out some similar meals at home

Are you happy with the nursery otherwise? Would a childminder be better/cheaper and then you can have more control over what he eats?

YANBU to expect them to offer a simple/ easy alternative but YABU to make such a big deal about the fact you don’t get the funded hours.

Funded hours/ no funded hours, it shouldn’t make ANY difference to the child’s care.

To be fair I think you’re overthinking this. It didn’t need a post on here or arguments with posters. Just chat to the nursery and see what they think, whether they are concerned and what they could potentially accommodate.