AIBU to want the nursery to offer him different food?

[LilacPomPom]

I have a 17mo old son who attends nursery twice a week for half days (Tuesday 8-1 & Thursday 8-1).
These are not funded hours at all and are entirely paid by myself & my partner for the small fortune of over £400+ a month.

When we looked around the nursery, I was in awe of the menu and how established it was with a variety of foods and I found it quite fancy. It has a “home cooked” kind of vibe to it but with extras so instead of a beef bolognaise, he’s offered lamb (which I think is slightly odd as it’s not what I would expect from a Spag Bol essentially).

Since September, my LO barely eats there. We’ve changed his diet at home to eating what me & my partner eat and he does really well. He’s a bit funny with textures but he has changed drastically and does brilliantly at home.

He rarely eats at nursery. Out of the whole of September, he’s eaten 2-3 portions of breakfast and maybe the mash from a lunch or the plain pasta from lunch. Today, I’ve looked on the nursery app to see if he’d eaten breakfast. Nope.

i’m a little irked that they don’t offer him anything else. He’s offered one option of “beans on toast” and if he doesn’t eat it, he’s not offered cereal (which I know he would eat at least some of) or anything else. The same applies for lunch too. I’m not allowed to bring food into the nursery for them to give like a box of cereal or the bread he has at home (just even silly things like that) due to allergies in the nursery.

i’m getting a bit annoyed that we’re paying all the money and he’s not even being offered an alternative and he’s just not eating and their happy with that. I’m unsure whether to make a comment to them about just offering him something else. Like, today he was given Beans on Toast. He ate none. However, I know that he eats toast with butter all the time and he has had beans before, just mashed into a potato.

AIBU to expect them to at least offer an alternative and be upset that they’re literally not phased if he doesn’t eat at nursery especially when I’m paying the full price for his hours? (we’re one of maybe 5 families who get no funded hours at all).

I know the money thing shouldn’t make a difference but there’s also a few little things that we can/can’t do as we’re not funded. All children, regardless of financial status, should be entitled to healthy and nutritious food - it just stings a little that we’re paying for the addition of food (compulsory) and he’s not eating anything.

I think they should be expected to make minor adjustments
Like toast without beans. And there's no reason why they can't offer cereal as an alternative. It hardly takes much time to prepare.

He can't sit down to eat at 17 months or say please and thank you?

When were you planning to start those good habits?

Do you imagine the nursery are happy to let him shout for food or milk/ water and get up from his place while hes eating or instead of eating, along with the rest of the toddlers in the room?

It monopolises one staff member, and upsets the required ratio of staff in the room to duck into the kitchen area to prepare toast for kids who decide to turn up their noses at the meal offerings.

And what if the toasted bread isn't what the kids are used to at home? One might have only had white bread, another likes home made soda bread, another only eats whole grain bread, another has never seen bread that isn't a baguette. One likes his toast charred and one likes the shortest possible toasting setting. Where does it end?

I’m a childminder and I have it written in my policies that children will not be offered an alternative. It’s a road straight to fussy eating. It takes children sometimes a few months to realise they need to fit in with the others. Remember at home they’ve been the centre of attention, in childcare settings they learn they are one of a community.

What?

He sits down, yeah, but his attention span is that of a 17 month old so he’ll get distracted easy. He doesn’t articulate words, he makes noises - so “when am I going to start those behaviours” isn’t really applicable. This post has nowt to do with my parenting, tah.

He has a key worker alongside multiple members of staff to each room, so I assume it wouldn’t be the end of the world for her to make a phone call to the kitchen/chef they have there. Think you’re looking into it too far with the whole “some like soda bread…” argument just as a moot point.

With respect, genuinely, because you have to do what’s right for you - you have to also acknowledge the downsides of those choices too. Your way of weaning worked for you and made you less anxious, which is a valid consideration, but has slowed down your son’s progress with food.

You also seem to have some ingrained generational trauma - that’s too strong a word but I believe that’s the correct term - around being made to clear your plate, so you’ve gone hard the opposite way for your son. I can recognise that easily because I had to work on the same thing before we weaned my son, and my husband has it too but didn’t do the work beforehand and found it a harder road.

Those choices mean he’s got a different experience at nursery. He’s already only doing two mornings which has been proven over and over again to be the hardest to settle in - and again, I say that as someone who started their son two mornings a week too; as it felt kinder - and he’s got to deal with a more normal way of eating now.

Nursery will not be keen to separate out all foods. It’s actually pretty discouraged to offer food separately or use the plates that do so, there’s been studies on how that affects eating and fussiness. It sounds like they’re trying but they’re also serving a lot of kids.

Just give him time; and remember that he’s 17 months old, and he can cope with this. Nursery will probably do you a favour in the long run, in that they’re introducing mixed foods and flavours that you’re not comfortable to serve him yet.

We all make mistakes that felt right at the time. My son was behind some of the girls in his NCT group when it came to speaking, so I let him watch a bit of Ms Rachel while I was working once. He liked it and it became a bit of a habit, he’d watch 20 minutes of TV while I worked or tidied or whatever needed to be done. Then I realised how much I hated him watching YouTube that early. How much more interested it had made him in phones and screens and things. He didn’t really pick up on anything she said, so it felt like I’d made a horrible mistake for no benefit, but I was trying to make the best decision for him and for me, in the circumstances.

Also give yourself some grace that it’s a weird time; when they start nursery. I remember feeling like I was paying loads too - it was about £500 a month for our two mornings - and he hated it for a few months, and then didn’t eat much for a bit, and it felt like I was paying so much for them to give him back and basically just say, “he’s been alright”. Ah great, real value for money 😭😂

But it passes; and he goes three days now and loves it. He eats everything they serve, even stuff he’d outright reject from me, and he’s got lots of friends there. They have the same no outside food rule; and the same type of menu that you’ve said is a bit fancy. He loves it though. Usually had thirds on curry day!

You’ll get there, and so will he.

I appreciate this insight. I worked incredibly hard on my own feelings and wellbeing when it came to weaning and he now eats a variety of food - some of which are the same components to what he is being offered in nursery (with the addition of meats like Lamb - which I haven’t tried purely because we don’t like it so just don’t buy it and if he doesn’t eat it, it’s a waste as no one else in the house does).

I had the Ms Rachel phase and my LO did quite well with the mimicking actions to the songs and we had a lot of fun. I’m not going to start a huge convo on the telly thing, as I’m sure the parent police would also say I’ve impacted my little one. He doesn’t walk and is delayed with speech (assuming we’re expecting every child to meet milestones at a certain age which I’ve come to learn is just not practical).

The x2 mornings was just something I chose because I wanted him to experience nursery and it worked better with mine and my partners work. Plus, because it’s so expensive - I didn’t really want to put him in for any longer until he became more independent as I couldn’t justify the price. I mean it’s nearly a grand for the ten hours a week and that’s a good chunk of my salary 😂

I know he’ll get there. I think it was just initially quite strange to hear their meal practices and that he didn’t get the option of having certain parts of his food through it being separated which then meant he was less likely to eat anything - ultimately causing me to go “over protective” mode and question why they couldn’t just offer him a plain piece of toast rather than with the beans.

I’m hoping he’ll get better with time. Since writing the post, the following session he did much better. He ate his cereal, about half his lunch and some fruit (but, again, I’m relying on someone telling me he’s doing that but he’s coming home starving still 😂)

I’m not trying to label your child but if he can’t walk and doesn’t talk at 17 months that’s not just lagging in one milestone. You don’t mention his fine motor and social skills but if he is fussy with food in this context it may be worth discussing with your HV

his fine motor skills are perfect, Tah. He crawls, stands independently but think he might have the same Hypermobility as me. Both me and my partner didn’t walk till 18 months and we’re both fine. I’m alright seeing how it goes.

And whilst he doesn’t talk, he makes sounds and “somewhat words” like Dada. He’ll point to things he wants, does the best expressions for “I don’t know” or “Uh Oh” and whilst he may have only just learnt to stand up for periods of time independently and can walk with one of those push walkers or if we hold his hands, his balance is just not there yet.

Feed him breakfast before he goes if he doesn’t like their breakfasts. Can you not ask just for toast if it’s beans on toast? He’s home at 1pm so he can eat afterwards. They can’t offer each child alternatives. Maybe consider a childminder who would be accommodating with food from home or more specific food you know he likes.

Fair enough. As I say I wasn’t trying to label him and I appreciate I didn’t have the full picture but wanted to just mention it. For context I am a healthcare professional so my intent was legitimate and not in any way meant as a snarky comment.

It’s fine, I’m also a HCP and I used to stress about him meeting milestones like other kids but have tried to lay off that stress 😂

Yes, sounds totally within the normal range! I have a same-aged LO who has taken their time with walking and talking (independent steps a few weeks ago, nothing but mama and dada so far - and not used in context). I accept that if he doesn’t have 3-20 words around 18 months he may be behind most, but I’ve seen enough threads here where parents have said theirs have suddenly started much later too. They do it in their own time.

I nearly spat out my coffee seeing that post where the poster expects a 17 month old to sit still and say please and thank you! Mine starts screaming and crying like he’s been starved as soon as he sees the plate, and thanks me at the end of the meal by throwing things on the floor. No amount of correction is cutting through at the moment, funnily enough!

Honestly it did make me laugh. I’d feel strange having a child that did all those things at 17 months. He only sits still for food because he’s hungry or he’s strapped in a high chair. I think we put too many timelines on children and suddenly think there is a problem if they don’t meet those milestones exactly by a “cut off” age. Makes parenthood even more stressful. I’m chuffed with my little man’s progress and I know that Nursery will help with his social and motor skills.

My son didn’t walk till 18 months either and now he won’t fucking stay still 🤣🤣🤣

Also he used to eat anything and everything, I was so smug, and now he’s obsessed with white carbs so it’s more of a struggle. You’re doing a great job and he sounds fab.

Nursery is still very new to him because he is only doing a couple of mornings a week so he is still settling in and not used to the routine or the food. I don't think that from a logistical point of view the nursery is doing anything wrong by only offering one option to a large group of children but I am interested to hear how they expect a 17 month old to eat beans on toast without adult help. It's not the easiest thing to eat without making a terrible mess unless children have great cutlery skills. Offering the toast and beans separately would make much more sense at that age. Children copy their peers and will try food that they won't eat at home.
My niece and nephew were terrible eaters at home (they rarely ate with their parents - who are real foodies - and at home ate cheap sausages and plain pasta because it was quick and easy in a chaotic household where parents' jobs meant that the adults didn't eat until after 9pm) but would eat whatever was put in front of them at nursery. DB turned up to pick one of them up one day to find them tucking into lentil soup which would never have been eaten at home.

Agree.

Does he use any baby signing to communicate 'more', 'please', 'thank you', 'milk', 'all done', etc?

Why does that matter?

As a mother who often hosted little friends of my DCs for playtime, I can assure you that the struggle is real when it comes to catering for the many and varied preferences of small children when it comes to bread (and yogurt).

Baby signing is a useful way of communicating with toddlers who don't speak much. It can be learned by very young babies, and makes it possible to introduce the idea that communication about food and drink doesn't necessarily involve yelling, and does involve 'please' and 'thank you'. It makes life less frustrating for the toddler and helps the parent decode the needs of the baby quickly - everyone ends up less frazzled.