DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

Op where do you think your "ex's" wife should be at Christmas?

Taboo?!

Are you able to explain your reasoning?

Your lack of reading comprehension is outstanding 🤯🤯

So now you’re adding the fact that you think it’s wrong she spends Christmas with her husband and step daughter.

OP your bitterness and jealousy is doing you no favours.

This woman has been in your child’s life since before they can remember, she’s married to your ex and they have a child on the way. They’re a solid family unit and she has every right to have a solid and loving relationship with your child and want to be involved in important moments in their life that have to do with the child’s wellbeing and future.

Obviously, she should go and sit on the doorstep for the entirety of the festivities.

I wonder whether the new sibling should be permitted to attend Christmas in her own home or whether she should also be exiled to the front garden.

Because this child has two parents who they should be able to see equally.

A child isn’t a possession and the way you’ve worded your reply shows that’s exactly how you see your child. You sound like a 4 year old who isn’t letting someone else play with their favourite toy because they want them to share it with someone they don’t like. A child is not a possession.

You are not God and you don’t get to dictate that your child shouldn’t get to have an equal relationship with their father just because your childish emotions are getting the better of you.

That’s one of the very best comments I have ever read on here.

Blended families are not easy. I am both a step Mum and have a child who has a step mum. I had to navigate the choppy waters of being left by my exH, and him immediately moving in with the woman he left me for. I was angry, scared, alone and pretty bitter. I did everything I could (through getting my own support with counselling, friends , family) to channel my feelings anywhere but to DD. My DD refused to go to my ExHs house for a bout a year and so I spent many an hour sat in the car or in a cafe while they met as he lived 40 minutes away. Fast forward 5 years and they have a good relationship, Step Mum and DD get on fine. While I still get angry feelings every now and again, which is natural, I know that's not helpful to DD. I am a step parent, and I get on well with SDs Mum, go to sports days, parents evenings all kinds of things. Your feelings are natural but your projection onto SM is damaging.

For an autism assessment I think your daughters dad shouldn't have requested two seperate appointments, if you both co parent comfortably, maybe step mum could have come along as well and use it as a chance to get on the same page with you

The best move on both sides would be for you and step mum to form some type of relationship so you can all attend these appointments together. If she refuses then I completely understand why you dont feel comfortable her stepping into the kids medical appointments as it feels disrespectful and intrusive despite whether its right or not

E aptly definitely jealous and controlling.
Just because your with a partner dosent mean you still can't be jealous.

Dd needs every adult around her to be aware and involved.
Much better step mum is at appts

It’s not something I would risk causing any conflict about. She wants to be a supportive stepmother and it sounds like she would have more knowledge of DD than DD’s father would. Your mum is with you for support and DD’s father has his wife there for support.

@Desperatelyed you chose to have a child with someone you weren't in a relationship with, so right from the beginning your DD's life was going to be split between 2 families You have brought a stepdad into her life, like her dad has brought a stepmum in. Stepmum seems an involved caring person. Surely it is important she learns how to manage your DD and what adjustments may need to be made. Hopefully, your fiancé will also be interested in this.

I bet if this was an sperm and egg donor type thread you'd be saying the husband of the woman recieving donor eggs and sperm is the FATHER, instead of the donor.

Involved parents aren’t sperm donors.

Are you always this vile?

My first pregnancy was the result of sexual abuse so yeah, this shaped my view for sure but I think also growing up with parents who dated and married other people and being around that mess contributed (actually living it from the child's perspective).

So when I grew up I had a child with someone I intended to marry and knew for years beforehand. No blended families for us. I believe this is best and yes, I have the final authority over anything to do with DC. Her father works and I am a housewife.

The law says different.

So if your husband finds himself a new housewife, he won’t be allowed to see his daughter?

Pleasant.

You've misunderstood the comment completely. The person is advocating for FATHERS in obnoxious block caps but I bet if this was a thread about donors they'd be the first one to say the guy raising the kid was the father. The donor would be the real father.

@Desperatelyed

At least you dd has a father and his partner who want to be involved.

You seem really immature and care about yourself before your child's needs.

If he were to leave me our DC would live with me. I imagine he would see her one day a week out at an activity but with me present as she is only 3. I am not sure I would ever agree to overnights. Maybe I would agree once she'd get to about 10 years old. There certainly wouldn't be overnights right away or any of this 50-50 stuff. He would also accept this because he is traditional like I am. I know my take is quite different to most people's on this thread. But at least you don't just have an echo chamber.

Your choice of language betrays jealousy and bitterness that you continue to deny, yet here we are.

'Inserted herself'? She's in her own home, where your daughter spends half her time.

She supports her husband - who leaves her to do his parenting for him. He's not around because of his work choice - so does she leave an autistic child to put herself to bed and take herself to school? No, she does what is necessary to keep her safe and cared for while neither parent is there. Someone's got to do it. That's not inserting herself.

And the woman who does all this has developed a friendly relationship with a child who needs extra care - that's not training her to want her SM at sports day, that's forming nicely functioning relationships that your daughter recognises.

I think you've walked a difficult path, having children with two men including one you didn't have any relationship with, not living with your DD full time, and now having a partner who has zero interest in your child. It seems you've become defensive and prickly - and that's a shame because your daughter will pick up on your resentment.

I think your best move is to change the way you think about this woman, see her as an ally and a friend who's helping your child through difficult times. Because your daughter sees her as a friend and the new baby will probably help her feel more connected to her, through a new sibling who will make them actually related.

Please read what we're saying and stop lashing out.

Once you change how you think, how you feel and behave may well change too.

Well that's unfortunate for the children who have to grow up in these situations. I felt old to have my daughter at 29, but when I see such threads I'm glad I waited to meet her Dad, who is very much committed to us and she won't have to grow up in the sort of set-up I had to or the set-ups a lot of people here describe.

I’m genuinely intrigued - why?

My only assumptions are that either you view the role of mother as more important somehow, or you believe men to be less capable of parenting?