DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

I would want the person who spends half the time with my child involved in their wellbeing assessments and would not take it personally. Their input as they spend the evenings together may also be very important during this assessment. I know it is a tough pill to swallow but sometimes we have to do what is best for the kids.

I don't think the OP is horrible but I do think she should be raising her own child. She is the child's Mother after all.

Yep. The issue isn't actually another lady being involved, the Step-Mum hasn't done anything wrong. The issue is the fact this lady is raising the OP's child. Why doesn't the child live with the OP consistently and see their Dad once in a while? No way would I allow my own child to be raised elsewhere by some other random lady unless I had no safe home to keep her in and even then that would be a desperate last resort.

Same.you might find a court disagrees with you. Most aim for 50/50 now. The days where Mums took priority are rightfully, long gone.

You have a warped view - dads have much rights as mums.

do you think a single mum who co parents with a dad should never have another relationship ? Or just dads.

So fathers should only get to see their own children sporadically or never move on and meet anyone else?

She’s not a random lady off the streets, she’s the wife of the DD’s father.

Jesus. I’m glad my DSs mum doesn’t feel that way. It’s actually a lot easier when everyone is a willing participant. For everyone, including the children.

Think you're massively projecting here op how is her being an active part of your dd's life Painting you as a shit mum?

Sounds like she'd be able to make significant contributions to the assessment tbh

The OP and the father/step mum have the child for an equal amount of time. Half each, it says in the original OP

You keep beating your drum about mothers raising their children. That isn't what the OP is asking about? She's got 50/50...... it's really normal these days with split families..have you been living in the 1940's?

The child also has another parent who is involved and engaged and wants the best for his child. There is also going to be another half sibling-best that they treat her as fully belonging to the family rather than pretending the stepmother is nothing to do with her. Maybe if the OP didn’t want other random adults in her children’s lives ( 2 stepmothers and a further partner), she should have thought about that beforehand. Instead, she’s complaining that her child’s father is married to someone who cares about his daughter.

Why would your mum go as a grand parent but not his wife as a step-parent? Do you live with your mum and therefore have your mum doing a lot of childcare?

This woman, like it or not, is one of your daughter’s additional parents and main care givers. That’s just the way it is.

I think it makes sense that anyone who is heavily involved in your child’s upbringing attends assessments and parents evening.
It gives a much fuller picture for everyone, and surely that’s what is best for the child involved?

What a dated viewpoint.

At the risk of pointing out the bleeding obvious you are, in fact, proving her right. Your insecurities about how good of a mum you are should be irrelevant when it comes to making sure your DD has the best care, whichever parent she’s with. You might not like each other but she obviously cares about your DD and wants to do the best for her. Why aren’t you thanking your lucky stars that your DD has a step parent who wants to care for her? You’re her mum; it’s not like anyone is ever going to be able to replace you.

And, actually, I’d say your fiancé’s decision to let you attend parents evenings by yourself is a little bit odd. If he’s going to marry you, he’s obviously going to be part of your DDs lives. And part of that is showing an interest in their lives and wanting to know how they’re getting on at school. Doesn’t he care whether or not they need to practice their reading? Doesn’t he want to be able to say ‘Well done, we’re really proud of you’? You do understand that you’re about to become a family unit, don’t you? And that he’s going to play the male role model in your home? I’m not suggesting that you hand over any great level of responsibility to him, but attending parents evenings is just a basic, isn’t it? Otherwise he’s just some random that knows their mum.

You think you're entitled to more access to your children than their father? You sound demented.

The child has a right to have a good relationship with both of her parents, assuming there are no welfare issues. If you’d refuse to let your child see their dad any more than ‘once in a while’ then perhaps you’re not the wonderful parent you clearly think you are.

in what world is the best thing for a child to see their FATHER "once in a while"

She has a father who wants her around, why would you ever want a child to be an occasional after thought to their parent. A child having a secure attachment to both parents is a good thing. A child not feeling like a spare part in either of her blended families is a good thing.

A mother is important because she cares, loves and supports her child, not by excluding a childs father. So much low maternal self esteem up and down this thread. Its embarrassing

OP, the only questions you need to ask is 'is stepmum being there harmful to my daughter or obstructive to the assessment process'. If the answer to both of these is no, then I don't see any issue.

My issue would be with Dad, he isn't consistently there when he has contact time with his daughter. He is the one placing the stepmum in a defacto parent role and also the one asking for 2 appointments if I understand correctly. Would you have been happy to attend just Dad and you together?

We used to go for family days out, my XH and his new wife with my kids together when my own were younger and I was on my own, I welcomed her help and to be honest she was better at getting him to join in with activities. We were never best mates but friendly enough and I understood what she did for my boys, I would get her gifts on mothers day and birthdays from them.

This sounds more like a you problem than a her problem.

Yeah you’re being ridiculous.
Why is your mum going? She’s not DD’s parent?
the more information the assessor has the better.

It should be about what’s best for your child. Having someone that sees a lot of her challenges and behaviours and someone that might have to hear about strategies just makes sense? It’s also support for your daughter’s dad, just like your mum is going to support you?

We’re not suggesting you are jealous of stepmum’s relationship with your ex.

We are suggesting you are jealous of stepmum’s relationship with your child.

And why does her involvement bother you so much? You need to get to the bottom of that. Is it that you feel theeatened? Because there’s no need, you’ll always be your DD’s mum, no one can take that away.

Stepmum is likely going to be in your DD’s life forever. She will be living with her for 50% of her entire childhood, she will be at your DD’s graduation, wedding etc. She is part of your DD’s family. You need to learn to accept their relationship.

There was a thread recently about a SM not wanting to take her DH's children into her home when they aged out of school. Basically they were getting zero structure to their lives at present whilst mother was getting all the child maintenance and income support during their school years. SM didnt want them to plan to move into her house as ferral young adults even though she was happy to offer full support for them NOW even happy for them to live full time with her so she could influence their upbringing. She had a valid point.

Maybe you should read this. Your exes DW sounds like she has her head screwed on. She is actively taking part in her DH life. Not yours. Chances are she couldnt give a fuck about you. If her husband has a child and that child is to spend time under her family roof then she 100% has the right to be at a meeting regarding the childs issues.

You need to get over yourself because your child has enough hurdles to jump over without having her own DM put more in her way.

Why is your mum going? Your DD is not her child. 🙄

Probably safe to assume that the stepmother does more parenting of your DD than your mum does. Is your mum doing this on purpose? It's weird she'd want to go.

You are only going to hurt your own child OP. Are you really ok with that just to assert your authority over a loving, involved step parent with your selfish behaviour?

I don't think the OP is horrible but I do think she should be raising her own child. She is the child's Mother after all.

She is raising her own child.

In conjunction with the other parent.

He isn't there for all of 50% though & it's possible that Op isn't for hers.

So other adults step in.

They’ve trained her? Really you’re just sounding paranoid now. She’s been in your DDs life for 4 years, the majority of her life, maybe your dd is saying she wants her there because she actually wants her there.