DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

I think the assessment is a red herring because what you’re annoyed about is her doing the childcare when it’s ‘dads’ turn/time.
If you don’t want him to have 50:50 or you think this isn’t beneficial to your dd, you could seek some legal advice? Is the relationship between dd and her dad a good one? It depends on what is really in her best interests Xo

OP, I think it’s time to accept that your ex partners wife isn’t going anywhere. She has been in your daughters life for 4 years, she is her step mum, she is carrying your DDs sibling and she cares for her half the week.
The wife is one of your DD’s safe adults and surely it’s a good thing that she wants to be involved, it’s important for you all to be on the same page so you can all give your DD consistent care to support her, especially if the assessment finds your DD needs any occupational therapy or specialist equipment/specific ways to help her manage and cope.
Children with ASD need solid routines and consistency, you’d be doing your DD a disservice if you excluded the wife from all of this, you really need to think what’s best for her and try not to focus on how the wife makes you feel.

its been like that from the start, it seems like he wanted to create quite clear boundaries between their two homes and that they parent separately. Probably as they were not together and didnt want to create the feeling or illusion that this a possibility

In what way does she make you feel like a shit mum? She's been in DD's life for over half her life, is carrying DD's sibling and she does a lot of care for her. Isn't it a good thing that your DD has so many adults in her life that are looking out for her best interests and wellbeing?

I think you should thank her for being there for your child. She sounds like she has been a great parental figure.

How does she make out you’re a “shit mum”?

What type of things does she say to imply this?

You need to give more context. Because at the moment you are sounding jealous and bitter. But if there is information missing then you absolutely need to give examples for us to have the full story.

I'm saying not everywhere is the same. The care and upbringing of children are still often seen as a primary responsibility of the wife in other places, unlike in Britain.

For instance a 'proper woman' in African tradition has always been imagined within the context of the family; she is expected to accept marriage and have children because marriage is assumed to be the end goal. For instance in this context a 'proper' African woman is not concerned about trees and the environment; rather she is supposed to be concerned about her family and children. If she were to be concerned about trees, it would be in terms of firewood which she needs to provide fuel for her kitchen.

Ah, what an evil toad.

Time to put the emotions aside. Assessments are all about building a picture of what the child is like in different settings. Step mums input in this context is important because she spends time with your dd. Part of the assessment is family history etc. Better she attends so that the assessor can see all relationships

You’re a tradwife. I worry for your child and your toxic enmeshment as they strike out into independence

You used the word 'taboo' - and then told me to look at how a child not being with the mother would be viewed in Africa. Another poster who seems much more knowledgeable about these matters than us has actually pointed out that your take on the situation is wrong.

I think there are several issues to unpick here.

Firstly, and what you asked about, is whether a woman who provides a lot of care relatively speaking, should be at your DD’s autism assessment. I would say yes, because you want as full a picture as possible, especially as you say you are all on the same page about the need for this assessment. Your mum is going and I cannot imagine that she provides as much care as it sounds like your DD’s stepmother does.

Secondly, is the question why your ex has 50:50 when he cannot provide the care himself? This would irk me because DD would be better with her actual parent than a step parent. However, this is a different question. It never fails to amaze me that men find willing women to take over childcare for them.

Thirdly, that they are making out you are a shit mum, again a separate issue as long as they don’t take this into the ASD assessment.

I agree OP, it’s absolutely nothing to do with her! It’s called the PARENT meeting for a reason. The double standards on mn always amazes me! When people post anything about their step children and regarding having any responsibilities towards them, everyone says that’s ridiculous and that these kids aren’t the OP’s problem etc etc. Then you post this and suddenly everyone is saying she has a right to be there and to stick her nose in!

I mean, I co-parent with my ex, we don't hang meet or share birthdays with our son. But every important assessment, doc appointment or school meeting/event we have always gone together and he has never brought his wife. I wouldn't care if she and him went seperatley together if I was unable to, but we have never needed to do so. Understandable though!

No it’s not, not if the parent withholding the child, is named on the child’s birth certificate. I speak from bitter experience, Google it!

She lives with your daughter 50% of the time and provides care for her. Why shouldn't she be there?
You clearly don't like her. In what way does she make out that you are a poor mum?

As I said previously, it's not unusual for a step-parent to attend parents' evenings at school.

If the step-parent has been hands on, then it's very natural. The only time that I've found meetings with step-parents to be awkward has been on those very few occasions when a parent has brought a brand-new step-parent to a meeting - it's a rare occurrence, but it's happened. (I worked in secondary.)

The one that really made me uncomfortable was when a senior pupil had exploded in distress during class: the parent was in the middle of obtaining a church annulment for the first marriage in order to keep the new spouse happy.

I had to see one parent on their own and then the soon-to-be happy couple. Given the impact on the pupil, I found the second meeting very difficult.

What about the grandmother?

Ooh I can imagine. I guess that because me and my ex have such a smooth co-parenting situation, to the point where I have never even met his wife and me and him barely interact apart from texts about our son here and there and the odd meeting for school/health ect, I didn't think if it like that. My ex and I can be civil enough to not need separate meetings but if I couldn't attend, I wouldn't care if his wife came with him instead. The drama with certain step parents I can imagine!

The police and foreign office both disagree. I did Google it.

Step PARENT is PARENTING. Not sure why we’re shouting it, but it is.

You said it yourself - your dd is with her half the week. No, it's not her child - but she's doing a lot of the work of caring for a child that isn't hers. Maybe be a bit more grateful?

Well, no, if my child’s dad was insisting on 50:50 and not doing the care himself, I would be asking for my DD to stay with me as her actual parent, not being grateful to someone else for picking up his slack. Why would you be grateful to someone who is enabling her other parent to not parent?

Oh I will always be there to support her in whatever she does, unconditionally. I will nurture and accept her because I love her more than anyone or anything.

Well said.

Because she's putting the child's needs first and ensuring the child is properly cared for, even though the dad is a slacker and it's not her child? OP's problem is with the deadbeat ex, not his new partner, who sounds too good for him. She should direct her anger at the right target.