For not wanting my partner’s hobby to take over our family life?

[minnieot]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

I would be disappointed if my DH spent 4 days at the tory party conference while I was unwell and we had a child to look after, yes.

Book a break away for 4 days tell him you’re leaving him with the baby and see what his reaction is

Why doesn’t he become an MP, then he can get paid for his hobby.

It doesn't sound as if he is that inrested in family life. The OW is not a person but he sounds obsessed all the same.
Do you really see your future with this man? The timing is odd, a year old baby and his interest in politics has suddenly off since then...cynic here.

Just to add, I do not share his political views, he did not support the Conservative Party when I first met him, and I would absolutely never support them. Again, that only came in the last year

Oh no this won't bode well. He needs to step up and be a dad. He sounds obsessed and, acting like he is single?
Step back and grey rock him. Stop washing cooking etc for him.
Do your life exactly as you wish, slowly block him out. He will notice, or not..if its the latter, you have your answer.

Incredible these men who suddenly discover an all consuming interest in something - whether it be politics, cycling, golf, whatever - as soon as a baby comes along.

@BlueandPinkSwanI don’t see a future with THIS man, to be honest, but my heart is still holding onto my high school sweetheart who I thought I would spend my life with. I’ve been thinking the exact same thing about politics being like the OW, I feel as though I’m being cheated on, just not with a human being

I think you’re being a bit dismissive with the word “hobby.” It sounds like he’s trying to become an elected politician. That’s always going to be hard and time consuming.

The bad news is if he does he elected it will be even worse.

People who are into politics at an activist type level do tend to spend most of their time involved with it and with their fellow party members. I think it will cause a big rift between you if he doesn't dial it back and you don't get to know these new friends too and share their opinions.

When he says ‘it’ll pay off’, does he mean he plans to stand as a Tory MP?

I don’t think describing it as a ‘hobby’ is a suitable term then. It’s more like a progressive disease.

Why have a child with him then?

You may not believe me but he was not like this before having a child. Trust me, if he was, I would not have chosen to have a child with him

I imagine that’s where his mind is going, yes. And I completely agree

Oh no you've made me feel sorry for a Tory.

You feel sorry for him?

Yes a bit, you had a baby with him but you're still in love with your childhood sweetheart

He IS my childhood sweetheart, I was referring to him

You've misunderstood. The husband IS the childhood sweetheart.

How much parenting does he do?

You calling it a hobby would really piss me off tbh

Oooooh I'm so sorry. Brain fried from a long day lol.
Yeah cheeky fucker leaving you alone to go to that. Either he's not that serious about it but wants to escape real life at home, in which case aarrrghh. Or he's really serious and wants to be a Tory MP in which case ewwww.
Either way hope your baby feels better really soon x

Not very much at all, he’s not around enough to be able to, which is what makes all of this so much worse. The only time I really get as “me time” is, after putting the baby to bed, maybe 2-3 times a week I’ll go to the gym, and he’ll sit and watch the monitor for an hour and a half when I’m gone. Other than that, he interacts with the baby, but as far as the actual hard part of parenting and not just playing goes, practically nothing

Is his MH in decline? If he’s obsessed with it and it’s new and out of character could there be a bit more to it than just a hobby? My sibling went through a religious period before having a breakdown.

He himself calls it a hobby, he’s got a full time job, politics doesn’t pay