For not wanting my partner’s hobby to take over our family life?

[minnieot]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

The drinking and no contact is a dunpable offence op just because he tries to legitimize it as ‘it’s politics I’m saving the country’ he is choosing to socialize and drink with others over taking care of his wife and baby

He is taking the absolute piss. You need to have a frank conversation.

...maybe read all of ops posts again. He was never helping with the baby. She was basically single parenting it, while he spent all this time with his tory friends.

I was going to say something like this.

I just want to offer you a hug OP you deserve so much more

Thank you so much ❤️ x

Sadly, this relationship is going nowhere.
Please take legal advice to separate.
An extremely sad situation.
You are already a single parent,life will only get better for you & DC.

@minnieot you are young and have a whole bright future ahead of you. Ending this is 100% the right decision. I am excited for the life you will be able to build ❤️

Thank you so very much. I’m still just feeling so sad at the moment and questioning everything, but I really hope that in the future I’ll be able to look back and know that it was the best decision I ever made ❤️ x

So what? Maybe he says it's his "hobby" because he knows it would scare her if he told her it was his new life-long calling. Just because it's new doesn't mean it's not serious.

Just looking at the political differences rather than the problems with this bloke being a waste of space at home and doing fuck all with his new baby, I do know of one couple who were heavily involved with different political parties, she was a very prominent local tory, a councillor at various levels - parish, district and county - while he was a highly commited lib-dem member.
It was quite amusing at election times to see the two different posters stuck up in their front garden, one blue, one yellow.
(But they were older, family grown up. But I think dinner times were... interesting.)