For not wanting my partner’s hobby to take over our family life?

[minnieot]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

Brilliant idea! 🤣😂

You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about the fact that he appears to have opted out of family life. If he’s doing nothing with the baby, does he view the house and children as your (ie women’s) jobs? Or is he just being lazy? I ask because I think it’s easier to pull him back from laziness but I don’t think I could put up with a sexist attitude.

DP is interested in politics and when DD was younger he attended local party meetings etc (doesn’t anymore as local politics has changed here). He often went leafleting/ canvassing on the weekend, but would take DD with him in a pushchair and later on her scooter. She actually really enjoyed it. What I mean is that he fitted it into his life. In that way it was like a hobby- the difference between men who are away playing and watching football every weekend and those who coach the local team that their kid plays for so they’re still involved with family life

While you work, or are sick, or want large chunks of time to pursue her own interests the way he is. Which doesn’t sound possible without magicking up 10 day weeks.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum - family life, or his hobby and clear boundaries about what that looks like. If he picks his hobby then you have your answer.

I’m also not sure I could be in a relationship with a Tory.

“left wing ones seem a lot more vocal than the right wing ones.”

Is this a joke? Have you seen the painted roundabouts, the flags, the marches?

And for the less yobbish and outspoken who secretly vote reform/tory ask yourself why they’re not prepared to admit it.

He isn’t committed to you or your child, and although his attention is on politics right now it may well alight on a Tory woman who’s able to flatter him and make him see himself as a single man again (which is how he’s acting).

Definitley take legal advice and then sit down and tell him the facts. He needs to think really hard about how he steps up as a father and a partner.

Schedule in a serious talk with him while your baby is with your family (in case of heated arguments). Tell him that you didn't sign up for being a solo parent and him choosing to spend so much of his free time doing other things than being with you and his child is deeply hurtful and not acceptable. Imagine if you would do the same thing- who would be there for your baby then?

He doesn't have to give up his political interest but he needs to massively scale back and always ASK YOU if it's OK that he goes somewhere because you have got a baby: responsability, and someone needs to care for this baby so he can't just walk off as if he's got no worries in the word because you might have things to do as well.

For me this would be it- either he agrees to scale down and realises that his first obligation is to his child (and you) or he will be officially single.

His obsession isn’t going to pay off, the tories are never going to get back into power. Yanbu I would tell him to pick his family or his silly little obsession but he can’t do both.

It could be worse. My daughter started seeing somebody in three weeks and he announced he was running as a candidate for a reform. It’s taken us nearly a year to untangle that one.

Yes. Fight fire with fire.

It's amazing the number of men who seem to fall into all-consuming hobbies as soon as a child comes onto the scene.
I always think these are the men who "have a family" because it's the societal norm. Not because they genuinely have a yearning to be husbands and fathers.

Early to mid twenties means you are both very young indeed.

It's a cliche but we only really reach adulthood in our mid twenties, and men do seem to mature later than women.

While you are settled into 'committed relationship with childhood sweetheart and a baby, sorted' mode, he is only now beginning to look up and out to where the future might be for him.

Be careful - just as he's looking at spreading wings and taking new steps, you're asking him to stop.

You know what your immediate needs are now - his presence and support as new parents in this super difficult time. The sickness has dragged you down further (it will pass).

Right now, he is not seeing, respecting or meeting your needs, and he's putting his wants ahead of your and the baby's needs.

Is there anyone you can confide in - your parents, his parents, sisters, friends? People he might listen to, mates, brothers etc who have children, who did step up and be present?

Time for a cool calm conversation with him, hopefully with backup, about what you expect from him in this partnership.

How miserably bigoted 🤷🏻‍♀️
Who knows what someone's unique life experiences are that lead them to vote for (x) political party.

I don't think men mature later than women. That's just a rhetoric to make men less accountable for their actions.

The fact that it is politics is a red herring.
It could be football, or golf, or long-distance cycling.
It could be a paid career such as a junior doctor, a business man, a lawyer, a self-employed sole-trader.
It could be anything that takes him away for hours and days and weeks.

The point is, this relationship is not what you wanted. You wanted equality and a father who was fully involved.
You got a man who has changed beyond all recognition, and who has not turned out to be the father you thought he would be.

The question is - what can you do about it?
Rule out trying to change him or negotiate changes in the relationship. That almost never works. You can't change who people really are.

So you have two options:

1. suck it up and deal with your ongoing anger and resentment
2. leave him

Those are your choices.

Unfortunately you have chosen to have a baby really young with a manchild.
Not many very young men have any interest in the realities of parenting.
He is using his hobby as a way to avoid you, the baby, parenting and responsibilities.
Time you made realistic plans and ask your family for support.
You can't force him to grow up.

The way the Tory party's going he could be the next leader...

Has he always been Tory? If that's the case is can see why he feels the need to take action now, and it could actually be important to us all. Realistically the Tories need to do "something" radical if we're to avoid a Reform government.

You're right he needs to find some balance, but I do think it's important ordinary people get involved. There's a quote that goes something like "People often say, with pride, 'I'm not interested in politics.' They might as well say, 'I'm not interested in my standard of living, my health, my job, my rights, my freedoms, my future or any future." and I don't think it's ever been more true.

These are the minority doing these things. In person, real life interactions, the vitriol from left wing folks at the first hint of cognitive dissonance really puts me off. I was actually left wing myself originally, it was other left wing people who put me off and now I wouldn't want to be associated with the bottom of the barrel types 'all my failures are someone else's fault'. You know the sort.

It could be a great time to get elected: if conditions are right, i.e. in a Tory safe seat, the local MP has defected to Reform, so the Tories need a new candidate. If Reform implodes, or the electorate is more moderate and mainstream that people expect, it could be a relatively easy way to get to be an MP.
Even if your party is in opposition, you still get the MP salary of £93k, plus expenses like travel and running an office. Not a salary to be sniffed at.

I should add, there is no need to rush into a decision. In fact it is better not to rush while the baby is so young.
Take your time. Let the dust settle. Recover your health and strength. Get things sorted. Check out your financial options. Wait until baby is older (perhaps up to about 2 years old?) then decide if you want to leave him or not.

People morph and evolve all the time. This might just be a phase the person is going through and then they may lose interest and pick up some other hobby.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son
He wants to indulge himself by obsessing about things that interest, your job is to do all the boring & menial things, make the sacrifices look after the child etc so that he can indulge himself and just think about what he enjoys.

I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone whose values were so different to my own. That’s just a fact. OP has actually said similar in her updates.

Tell him you’re going back to basics, family values etc, whatever else soundbytes Tory types trot out but don’t really mean and say it involves him doing a lot more basic family shit.

I guess it could be worse, he could be a labour supporter.