For not wanting my partner’s hobby to take over our family life?

[minnieot]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

In fairness, the UK would be far better off if Tory politics were a harmless hobby, like macramé or fly fishing.

tbh I’d LTB on the basis of him being a Tory, even without all the time spent away from being a parent

He doesn’t exactly sound like someone you can rely on

Thank you lovely x

Talk about backing a losing horse. Someone needs to point out to him that there's a reason so many Tory MPs are defecting to Reform. I doubt there'll be any left by the next election.

I did suggest this to him, but he doesn’t really give much of an answer. I’ve encouraged him to get some sort of support for his mental health, and he hasn’t done so, so I’m just not sure. He has always been an obsessive person, but never to this extent

Are you both still quite young?
Does he has specific career ambitions?

“It’ll pay off” to what end. It’s voluntary?

What?! Oh, I thought you were pining after someone else!

We are young, both early-mid twenties. He does have a career, separate to politics, where he aims to progress as far as I’m aware

I can understand why he's become like this - I'm involved in politics and women’s rights and they can take over your life. I seem to spend most evenings on zoom calls.

But I waited until my dd was in her late teens and not needing me so much before getting so involved.

When children are young, family life needs to come way ahead of hobbies and interests.

This is what I’ve said to him as well, he has the whole rest of his life to do what he’s doing, I just don’t understand why now, when we have a baby who is still so heavily dependent on us (me)

Sounds like he just wants to escape family life to me. Sadly I’m not sure there’s much you can do except tell him this isn’t the family life you want and he’ll have to choose. Unfortunately he might not pick you and the child though.

I think you’re probably right. Thank you

If he’s a Tory, and a newish one at that, he’s got it exactly how he wants it. He’s out doing his thing, you’re in the kitchen.

I’d leave if my partner started to earnestly buy the Telegraph, let alone go to the Tory party conference.

Yeah I was heavily involved with another party, aiming to become an MP, and had to drop it when I got pregnant. It's totally incompatible unless you live and breathe it as a family. There is a reason there are so many political couples and so much sleeping with each other - you have to be all in (I have a politically adjacent job and get my kicks that way now without it taking up my evenings).

Are you sure there's not an OW or someone he's interested in in the local party? It all sounds very intense.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son

This is a very powerful statement - have you sat him down and told him this ?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all for wanting him to play a more active role in family life.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to know where he is and when he's coming home. If nothing else it's common courtesy.

Each of you need time for yourselves and time for family. How would he react if you asked him to diary date evenings in so you can go out and others where you spend time together as a family ? Same with weekends? Actually being explicit with days and times can help people realise how much time they are spending on a particular activity.

With an eye to the future - what's your financial position like ? Housing, employment ?

I think sadly you need to start getting those ducks in a row.

I was suspicious at first, but he’s involved more nationally now rather than locally, so I don’t think so, but from what I’ve heard goes on in the party, it does make me feel like that wouldn’t be off the cards eventually

I have, yes, and he doesn’t have much to say.

I did try scheduling things in as a family, and we have been doing that still to an extent, but politics still far outweighs family time.

I work full time but it would be very difficult to financially support myself without him, but I do have family nearby who I know I could go to until I can stand on my own two feet. It just isn’t the life I imagined for my baby

He needs to watch the Ghosts episode where the late Tory MP Julian reflects on all he missed avoiding family life with his baby girl.

I think it might be this one - www.imdb.com/title/tt13138816/

I work full time but it would be very difficult to financially support myself without him, but I do have family nearby who I know I could go to until I can stand on my own two feet. It just isn’t the life I imagined for my baby

Don't forget he would have to pay child maintence - run his salary through the CMS calculator

Also you may equalify for Universal credits and free nursery hours too

There’s part of your issue. He’s had a baby too young when he wasn’t actually ready and is only just discovering who he wants to be - now he’s found it and wants to invest all his passion and time and drive into it.

And wife and baby sadly fall by the wayside.

Yanbu. Any kind of hobby that takes up so much of his free time is unreasonable, especially when he should be sharing the parenting load of having a young child.

hi dp, we need to talk. I had no idea you would be such a shit dad and a shit partner once we had a baby, and I’m sick of your fake promises. I’m writing my tell all article about how over 12 months you have barely parented the baby you chose to have, barely fed them a meal, and while I’m sick at home working and solo parenting you’re off at politics conferences. I think your electorate will love it. So I just needed to let you know that, and that we are splitting contact time so from now on you are the solo parent 3 nights a week including all night long, so I too can go to things. Solo parenting includes cooking, shoping, cleaning up, doing a a load of laundry, bath and bedtime. I’ve separated the cupboard and labelled fridge shelves your shppping for baby and you can go on your shelves. I’m off for a calm down because I’m so mad I had a baby with a lazy shit walk, your baby needs a bath and bedtime.

that’s where I’d be. He’s a waste of fucking space. I’d scare him enough to have fun with (& maybe I would feed a journo all my those details if he does stand, if he doesn’t lift his game then he deserves it, start taking notes).

People change a lot between their teens and mid twenties.

If it was a cause you both believed in, and you'd discussed his dreams and agreed you'd shoulder the majority of the childcare (i.e. you were working as a team) it could be very different.

But as it is, you're being expected to pick up the slack whilst he works towards personal goals that actively conflict with your own beliefs.

Also, he's a Tory, massive ick.

Starting over is scary, but you have a job, you have family support and you have your DC. Plus you'll have maintenance from him.

I divorced my childhood sweetheart a decade or so ago, in my late twenties. Terrifying at the time, but it was genuinely the best thing I've ever done - as we'd grown up, we'd just become incompatible as people.

He's got his priorities and is going after what he wants (now he has ticked wife and child off his list).
So you book in lots of 'you' time and go out house and let him 'feel' what you are going through. Men need to feel it sometimes if they aren't hearing it.
i feel for you but don't put up with it