For not wanting my partner’s hobby to take over our family life?

[minnieot]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

Blimey he's flogging a dead horse there

If he’s a new recruit to the party he’ll be in the phase where local activists are signing him up for everything (I used to be very active in a different party and have seen this many times). You go along to a branch meeting, get signed up to a committee straight away and become a delegate to a meeting the next level up, then a few months later become ward secretary/vice chair. You think they recognise your brilliance and it takes a while before you realise everyone else has already had a turn and they are keen for someone else to have a go. You have new friends who are really encouraging and it is all about the greater good so not selfish at all when you neglect family. There are tantalising hints of a bright future, but it needs a lot of hard work now. Next step is a paper candidacy in local elections, which are all consuming, the slump after, the encouragement for the future…

Lots of people drop out after an election but that’s no help right now. He’s being very selfish .

Might be doing all this to get out of parenting. What a deadbeat. Don't be a doormat, tell him to parent his kid or get him out.

So, he devotes all his free time to political campaigning while you’re left holding the baby, and his political views are the polar opposite to yours?

This relationship isn’t going to work. If you stay with him he’s going to want to mould you into some god-awful Tory wife who smiles blankly in the background dressed in frumpy clothes and wearing a padded Alice band while he pledges his support for the abolition of human rights.

Two things jumped out at me...HE calls it a hobby, no you need to rename it and call it what it is because at this stage it's a lifestyle. Secondly and forgive me if I've got this wrong (I'm half asleep lol) you say its been only the last year and your DC is 12 months so did this start pretty much as your baby was born? If so then the timings to me sounds like he's actively dropped out of parenting pretty much from the start

I'm glad you didn't mention which political party it is he supports so people can focus on the situation you are in rather than what his beliefs are.

My question to you is, what is the point of all that he is doing? Does he hope to become a local MP? If not then what does he do? Does he protest? What's the point?

I've known a few people (all male) like your significant other who are members of various political parties at both ends of the spectrum and honestly they were all quite socially inept and disengaged from reality. Zealots, if you will. All of them.

Edit: My bad, I just saw you said you're left wing/anti-right wing and he is right wing. Well, enjoy each other.

It is this. I realise I might to be in the massive minority here, but I haven't got a lot of time for people that stick so rigidly to their political beliefs that they alienate friends and family, let alone make it a full time job outside of their job, always bringing the chat around to the politics at every chance, posting stuff, falling out with people that cannot share their views, thinking them stupid and "head in the sand", thinking that they are "racists", or "woke lefties" depending which side they are on, constantly quoting biased facts and opinions. Some people simply save their energy and time for other things, and if you are one of them, then that is that, and I would say good for you. I would find this intolerable OP. There is a grey area between "hobby" and "obsession" and I think that has been crossed, especially if it is impacting life in general. I really feel for you xxx

Weird how women never have these all consuming hobbies

Odd too how you still refer to him as boyfriend, when he's the father of your child

I agree. Political zealots of any strain are insufferable although the left wing ones seem a lot more vocal than the right wing ones. Populism is also stupid and annoying yet prevalent.

If your DP won't tell you where he is or when he's coming home I should myself start to think there is a OW involved as well as politics (not a hobby, btw) - you might want to check this out: phone, laptop etc. Sorry, just thought of that!

The lefties are the worst. Misogynists, too.

I agree.

Seen it so many times from other men when they become fathers. It's simply to avoid parenting duties. It won't 'pay off', he's just trying to fend things off till there's no nappies to change, bedtime stories to read, or dribble to wipe up.
It's shockingly poor behaviour, it's unforgivable, and he's missing out on some of the most special moments a father can have.
Up to you what you'd do, but I'd suggest telling him to pack his bags.
Plus he's become a Tory, which is even worse 👍

OP... how is his constant socialising affecting the household budget?
I couldn't put up with someone who won't say that they are out and then come home drunk at 1.00 pm - no doubt waking up the baby too.

I don't know how you are managing with a partner who does so little parenting whilst also working full time. Apart from watching TV with the baby monitor on for an hour and a half - two times a week.

Plus I can imagine if he's spending all his time talking about policies and news etc... with people who are very invested in the subject.. that this must have taken over your conversations with him.

Look at the practicalities of this. When was the last time you had an enjoyable evening out together? When was the last time the three of you had a family day out or entertained friends (real friends)

I bet you are often cooking for him and then finding he's not coming home for dinner. But it must be costing a lot for him to keep doing this. Are you having to subsidize this? Is he paying towards childcare or does it all come out of your pay packet?

I think you need to really investigate and add up your options and see if this is what you want to be involved in. It won't get easier if he gets more enmeshed. What is he adding to your marriage/partnership and what he's entirely checked out from and left up to you.
Do you want more children eventually? Does he? What is he aiming for inthe next five years? What are you aiming for? Does that match? Would he be any better with two children? You are both working full time so he should be doing half of everything. But he isn't.

I also imagine as you say he doesn't tell you where he's going or what he's doing that it must be very difficult for you to plan anything ahead, without suddenly being told that he's not available for a, b and c, because this is a crucial time for the party and they need him.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find a way through it, either by having some productive talks with him, or having a really good think about your future and researching your options. You are too young to be tied down to someone else's ambitions if they don't match yours.

The Tory Party is currently having a conference in Manchester.

I want to know how his obsession will 'pay off' eventually.

Has he got a secret Tory girlfriend whom he can only meet at party events?

What role does he play at home - cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, take baby to appointments etc?

Another man who realised parenting is hard so has opted out. He think by volunteering he can get out of parenting. He’s being selfish and cruel really that first two years are lonely and tough without being abandoned. Make sure you tell family and friends what is going on. Sit him down again and tell him exactly how you feel , lonely, abandoned, upset that he doesn’t know your baby and then go from there. He either needs to cool his new lifestyle or you need to make plans to leave.

It sounds as if you have two separate problems, @minnieot.

The problem you haven't grasped is that the politics isn't a "hobby." It's insulting to him, and a bit clueless of you, to regard it as a hobby. We are living in perilous times, and although I don't know what he's doing, or whether I'd consider him on the "good" side or the "bad" side, about the only thing that will save us is dedicated, committed people.

So I think the only way you'll find the balance you hope for is to re-think your attitude toward his "hobby."

Well… a pregnancy is nine months long… and she says he’s been into this for a year. So…

@MsAmerica OP has already said her partner refers to it as his hobby himself.

Meanwhile getting into any hobby, and being out all hours of the day and night when your other half is working full time and looking after your child (another full time job) is shitty whichever way you slice it. He only got into it after baby was born, so it's not like it's his life's work.

Don't slam his hobby but do start clawing back major tracts of time together.
Mark clearly coloured in highlighter green on a large visible calendar the time your husband spends with the hobby.
Mark stripes of pink over the top if you also join him, or plan on joioning him.
And mark in solid pink times that you spend together as a family on outings and adventures.

Start joining him more. Use the accommodation he takes to house you and baby also, for wonderful walks in new places and insist that you eat together often.
Plan times as a family in advance to fun places like nearby wildlife parks and galleries. Invite DH and mark it down.
Remember to notice political statues and portraits of politicians that you stumble upon too.

Don't sit there wallowing but claim back your relationship.
Also state clearly when you actually need DH to be the primary care giver while you work or are sick. He should be able to, at short notice, bring baby along to a seminar or remain at home.

I don't really think that politics is a hobby, but he's really selfish for making you suffer and neglecting his baby. He doesn't have to go out schmoozing with his mates (he will probably justify it as "networking"), and his chances of being selected to stand as an MP are incredibly low. You have to be in some intangible inner circle to be picked, and apparently you go through all kinds of training before you're considered. Anyway, Conservatives don't stand much chance next election.

If he's truly passionate about this, he would be better off standing as a local councillor. He could actually make a difference, the work load would be manageable, he would get an allowance for his time, and unlike his socialising, the experience might qualify him to take on bigger roles in the future.

This is one of those threads where I wish we could set up a Mumsnet LTB fund, so women whose husbands have turned to shit could fill in a form online and have a team of friendly, no-nonsense Mumsnetters swoop in and sort out all the logistical and financial aspects of separating.

I’d volunteer my services.

Yep, this is it. This IS who he is, not the teenager from before. He has matured into his adult views. Most people don’t really know who or what they are until they start hitting 25+. That’s why the divorce rates drop so sharply when people marry at 28 or older. They know themselves better and are better able to judge whether they are compatible or not.

Unfortunately you’re going to have to decide if you can live with who he really is, knowing that he’s not going to go back to who he was when he was in school.

Wow, Tory politics as a hobby. Has he thought about taking up repeatedly slamming his testicles in a door? It might be more fun for him.

I have a parent who is involved in politics and has been since I was very young. Trust me, this won’t go away. Once the obsession takes hold, that’s it. And affairs are absolutely rife. Sorry OP, but I think you’ve already lost him to politics.