Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting my partner’s hobby to take over our family life?

161 replies

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:21

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

OP posts:
Americasfavouritefightingfrenchman · 07/10/2025 12:30

So as someone whose OH has a very time intensive hobby that has resulted in various discussions over the years about balance my personal thinking is that you guys need to figure out what a fair balance looks like. For us it was Saturdays we rotate a bit so over a month we would aim for each of us has kids alone for a week, we take a child who each for a week so we can do 1:1 stuff, we have a day together. Sundays are a family day vast majority of weeks. 4-6 times a year OH might take a Saturday/Sunday together so he can do a trip away. We each have a fixed evening out and I typically take a second evening once a month. Rest of the time we do things together. Those things might be fun stuff like a day trip or a meal out or mundane stuff like sorting house/garden jobs.
In the end however you do it each of you should end up with a similar amount of solo time to do whatever hobbies or activities you want and you should have a good amount of time reserved as family time where you do stuff together (even if it is a bit mundane or boring). If his interest in politics is taking up so much time it leaves none for you to get solo time or only allows you solo time by there being no family time it’s totally unreasonable. If he can’t see that or he can but doesn’t care as he feels like he’s just more important then you have to decide if you can live with that or not. If you can you plan stuff without him and crack on then carve out what time you can together and enjoy it. If you can’t then look at splitting. It’s rubbish and unfair but if he doesn’t care about the inequities in your relationship then your choices are limited

Bottleplant · 07/10/2025 12:30

Mrswhiskers87 · 07/10/2025 12:21

I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone whose values were so different to my own. That’s just a fact. OP has actually said similar in her updates.

Show quote history

Wow, how extreme are your views if Conservative policy is such an antithesis?

My dearest friend is a longstanding Conservative. I'm a "bleeding heart" lefty, but really, we're both slightly to one side of centre, agree on many of the issues, but have picked different parties in our attempt to find a best fit.

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 12:34

Mrswhiskers87 · 07/10/2025 12:21

I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone whose values were so different to my own. That’s just a fact. OP has actually said similar in her updates.

Show quote history

Someone might vote right wing for one reason alone, because they want more academy Schools.

bluevelvetears · 07/10/2025 12:34

Your partner doesn't have a hobby. He has an ambition to play an important role in the political arena. He's currently in the training phase. I can't see it improving - sorry OP.

Nandina · 07/10/2025 12:54

It sounds like he had a baby when he was too young and is now desperately running from the work involved with his hobby.

northernballer · 07/10/2025 12:57

Are you sure he's at the Conference? I've been working up there and the whole place is dead, people are leaving the Tory party not joining it.

IsawwhatIsaw · 07/10/2025 13:02

He has checked out of family life using his rather conveniently timed new interest/ obsession.
if you’ve spoken to him about it but nothing changes, I’d be looking at getting legal advice. Sad but You might as well be on your own given his lack of effort/ interest.

SalamiSammich · 07/10/2025 13:09

DPotter · 06/10/2025 23:02

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son

This is a very powerful statement - have you sat him down and told him this ?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all for wanting him to play a more active role in family life.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to know where he is and when he's coming home. If nothing else it's common courtesy.

Each of you need time for yourselves and time for family. How would he react if you asked him to diary date evenings in so you can go out and others where you spend time together as a family ? Same with weekends? Actually being explicit with days and times can help people realise how much time they are spending on a particular activity.

With an eye to the future - what's your financial position like ? Housing, employment ?

I think sadly you need to start getting those ducks in a row.

Agree with the powerful statement 💯 and think there is an angle of "time and place".

This is the time for prioritising the family you've created and before and later is the time for personal goals which take significant time and resource, especially those that have a strong reliance on family sacrifice.

Why not later? Hobbies and personal time are of course fine and to be encouraged but he isn't doing a fair share at home.

LondonPapa · 07/10/2025 13:09

northernballer · 07/10/2025 12:57

Are you sure he's at the Conference? I've been working up there and the whole place is dead, people are leaving the Tory party not joining it.

Agreed. People are fleeing the Tories. Reform UK on the other hand…!

InMyShowgirlEra · 07/10/2025 13:23

No, I wouldn't allow my husband's hobby to take over our life, he still has responsibilities at home.

However, I think the most important thing for compatibility is shared values, and someone who is devoted to the Tory Party has values in direct opposition to my own, so that alone would tell me the relationship is no longer viable.

beAsensible1 · 07/10/2025 13:25

Maybe he wants to become a politician, it is a sort of all consuming job.

I think going to political conference for 4 days is fine? the baby is 1 not a newborn?

Talk to him about how all in and enthused he is about politics and you'd like the same level of enthusiasm towards parenting. You didn't sign up to be a single mother, so don't accept it.

LeaderBee · 07/10/2025 13:30

I want to make some snarky remark about politicians being lying, deceitful, untrustworthy people that will tell you anything if you'll believe it. But you know your partner better than me.

beAsensible1 · 07/10/2025 13:51

he can take the pram leafletting

justasking111 · 07/10/2025 14:49

A friend's husband was an MP in our village. She was lovely, very lonely. He kept saying he'd quit. Never did. Why she didn't leave him I'll never know.

Southshore18 · 07/10/2025 14:51

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/10/2025 22:27

Incredible these men who suddenly discover an all consuming interest in something - whether it be politics, cycling, golf, whatever - as soon as a baby comes along.

my thoughts exactly.

MoominMai · 07/10/2025 15:18

Financial · 06/10/2025 22:41

You calling it a hobby would really piss me off tbh

Sounds like a political hobbyist to me. It’s an unpaid activity he does in his free time that aligns with his personal interests 🤷🏻‍♀️

FrauPaige · 07/10/2025 15:28

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:26

Just to add, I do not share his political views, he did not support the Conservative Party when I first met him, and I would absolutely never support them. Again, that only came in the last year

You have my sympathies

gannett · 07/10/2025 15:44

I am absolutely agog that someone has apparently not only developed an enthusiasm for but actually JOINED the Tory party in the past 12 months. Weird beyond weird. LTB.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/10/2025 15:46

With the rise in SM madness around politics it is impacting peoples mental health.

Mrswhiskers87 · 07/10/2025 17:58

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 12:34

Someone might vote right wing for one reason alone, because they want more academy Schools.

Show quote history

Yes I’ve heard that’s the leading Tory policy.

Snakebite61 · 07/10/2025 18:06

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:21

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

I would have nothing to do with a right winger in the first place.

MMUmum · 07/10/2025 18:32

Maybe time for cards on the table. The point of couples having children is that they want to have a family life, and this is just not happening for you. Tell him it's time to make a choice as to where he wants to spend most of his time, and let his answer dictate your next move. Good luck 🥰🥰

Skybluepinky · 07/10/2025 18:40

He isn’t enjoying being a parent so is making sure he is doing his own thing, hopefully as his child gets older he’ll adapt but some never will.

Oldwmn · 07/10/2025 20:22

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:26

Just to add, I do not share his political views, he did not support the Conservative Party when I first met him, and I would absolutely never support them. Again, that only came in the last year

He'll be shifting to Refuk next! I think he's moved on - you won't be able to rely on him unless you're prepared to be the Little Woman.

Lockdownsceptic · 07/10/2025 21:38

You are on a hiding to nothing. He has obviously decided that he wants to go into politics, I would suspect as a local councillor or as an MP. There are no half measures with this. If you can’t support him then it would be better for both of you if you split now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread