For not wanting my partner’s hobby to take over our family life?

[minnieot]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

You don’t know what you are talking about. There’s alot more to Tory policy than academy schools.

No OP is flogging the dead hors.

Horse

My ex was like this with politics. Even when our daughter was in hospital (born early) he would still behave like this.

I left in the end. It took a bit of time
but now he no longer does it. We stayed separated and I do think he regrets it. But it was like having another woman. If you want to progress, you have to help a lot. The problem is everyone wants to be an MP and few actually make it because there is always someone else willing to go further.

My advice would be to give him a choice and be prepared to walk.

At the moment it looks like a long time till his party is in a position to win any seats in parliament. You have time to think, do you want to be an MP's wife. If not then you & your husband need to discuss this seriously & then decide whether you both have a future together.

Leave him. Escape early, before you waste your life.

He sees you as the mother of his child now and with that you're supposed to be happy, that let's him off the hook to do what he wants. Did he want a child?

Thank you all so much. I’ve been reading all of your comments and he came home last night, it was a really difficult decision, but I ultimately decided to cut things off. Not the life that I wanted for me or my little boy, but neither is the life that he’s giving us currently. I haven’t worked out the logistics yet, but that will come with time I suppose. Feeling heartbroken, but I do think it will be for the best, he doesn’t seem willing to meet me anywhere in the middle. Thank you all again x

I'm sorry its come to that but here's hoping actually losing the both of you will be the wake up call he needs that if he wants a proper family life then he needs to make significant changes and start putting you both first.
I'm a solo parent and whilst its hard its also easier in the fact that you no longer have the resentment of him not stepping up and parenting as you already know you are on your own and its on you.
Hopefully you can reconcile in time but don't go back for words, go back for actions and because he's shown you hes made changes

Feeling heartbroken, but I do think it will be for the best, he doesn’t seem willing to meet me anywhere in the middle.

I agree with @Anyusernamewilldo8963 , it’s fine once you’re properly doing it on your own, because it’s honest. At the moment there’s been a pretence that you’re a team, and he’s been repeatedly letting you down. You can and will still feel sad and angry, and that’s perfectly justified, but you won’t be disappointed any more because you can see him for who he is. (Whether he’s ready to see himself is another matter.)

Put his salary into the CMA calculator now, so you can tell him the minimum payment he’s looking at, and if he messes you about at all then you should just go through them. Make it clear that he is fully responsible for covering child care when his son is with him- no financial or mental labour should fall to you to dig him out of any holes, he’s a grown up and he can work it out.

I am sorry it’s come to this, but at least you took control and made the decision for yourself. That’s powerful.

Political views when extreme ruin families.
My DSis' DH has turned into a nut, he's Irish but convinced he's American for some reason, his DS is gay, his DD is engaged to a young black man. BIL is a snake, destroying the family from the inside spouting shit.
far worse than Charlie kirk.
Sadly he's ground Dsis down so much she ignores him to keep the peace.
It's a cesspit.

The father of my kids was obsessed with Warhammer. I've never known anyone to be so consumed by a hobby before, in the end he physically attacked me over some little models he'd painted and walked out, I was pregnant with our 3rd at the time (we already had 2 kids under 3).

15 years later, he's still as obsessed with painting little men as he was back then, he ignored our kids when they visited etc because he wanted to sit in the corner of his bedsit and paint.

I'd say get out now, his obsession with politics is not going to change!

I’ll probably get jumped on for suggesting this @MissingOutOnLife, but could he be autistic? Many Warhammer fans are.

I can see why, in this political climate, that his hobby has become an obsession. Doesn't help you though and it is easy for me from the outside looking in to tell you to leave as it won't get any better, but for someone who stayed in a relationship for over 15 years when I wasn't happy, i'm the last one to judge or advise.
Please be strong though, whatever you decide x

I would ask him how his lack of support fits with the Tory values surrounding family/ whether he's worried about the concept of fatherlessness impacting his child. Danny Kruger was considered a leading light of the party before he defected and this is his whole mantra. His politics should begin at home.

Who gives a fuck? He physically attacked her

That was my thought as well. He sounds autistic, and she must have messed with his things, which can cause extreme duress.

Just trying to offer a possible explanation for the obsessive interests. It may help to consider it for a variety of reasons. They have children together so not just a random ex.

Autism would be no justification for a physical attack of course, and I wasn’t suggesting that could be excused in any way.

@TheCheekyCyanHelper so does that make it okay to physically attack her?

It's completely irrelevant to this conversation though. Most people with autism aren't violent pricks about their special interests. Many people have special interests and don't have autism. Many violent pricks don't have special interests or autism.

He might also have low blood pressure or be left handed or have a missing toe, none of that is relevant to a conversation about leaving someone who treats you badly.

@FrodoBiggins My comment was specifically directed to a pp and was meant as an aside to the main conversation.
I thought it might possibly help the pp to consider this about her ex. They have children together so it may still be relevant.
My post was not meant in relation to leaving someone or not, and was made purely in relation to the obsessive behaviours and Warhammer interest that pp mentioned and not any other behaviours.

I live with someone who is autistic, has obsessive behaviours as well as a keen interest in Warhammer. He is also a very kind person and not at all physically violent. So, to be clear, I do not make any association between autism and assault! My first post said that autistic people often like Warhammer and that is true imho.

@Dearmalt pp wasn't looking for relationship advice or an armchair diagnosis about her abusive ex husband. She was sharing her experience about an obsessive partner who, it sounds like, she and her (older teenager or near adult) children are now well shot of.

@FrodoBiggins Fair enough. I thought I’d mention it just in case it could help in any way as the obsessive behaviour/Warhammer rang a few bells.

It was only a suggestion in any case, not in any way definitive, and of course PP is free to ignore me.
But that’s surely up to her, not you.

I don't get it he likes politics you like going to the gym several times a week and leave baby with him so you have different hobbies doesn't matter what they are. I couldn't stand the gym but would I call down people who go regularly erm nope would some people hate my hobby of flight simulators on an evening yes but that's the point we are all different and allowed to enjoy different things. Your getting to do your and him his and a childhood sweetheart is always going to change it's called growing up, maturing and doing new things

I think you missed the point that he’s rarely at home and doesn’t do any parenting. Regardless, it’s over now anyway, but thanks.