AIBU to say that the future should include multi generational living?

[Cluborange666]

You always see comments on Mumsnet about the failure of older kids still living at home and adult kids being annoying if they are home but I just don’t get it.

Firstly because I actually like my kids and don’t have any issue with them living with us for as long as they want. I don’t want to see them living in some horrible little flat that sucks up all their money. I lived in a freezing flat when I was 18 and it was grim. It didn’t motivate me. It just made me jealous of my friends who were still living with their parents. Poverty isn’t a rite of passage. It’s just depressing.

Secondly, the young ones are going to find things really hard in the future. They aren’t going to be able to follow the same script that our parents did. I see Asian families looking after each other, their married kids with decent lives because they live with their parents (often no need for childcare) and having much more money as a result. The parents benefit too as they have company and support as they age.

This idea that we must all live separately seems counterintuitive to me. Our cave people ancestors would never have lived in separate caves. I think multigenerational living would be better for (most) people - excluding people like me who got away from abusive parents - better for the environment and better for young people as there would be far less pressure on them to pay hundreds of thousands for tiny homes.

Bloody try it, I have got to the end of the summer holidays with two adult DD and my Mother in one house.. and yes, I do like my children ( fucking cheek) but it is stressful, more mess, more work for me, less independence for them. My girls are now back at uni and it is a relief. You may judge me as much as you want.

Tricky one for me to get my head around

i personally love the calm of an empty house , of being able to utterly relax. And abusive families may be quite common - and the more people you live with the greater chance you have a really nasty one in the mix

but I can totally see the huge benefits of multigenerational living - lower housing costs all around - so many wasted rooms in today’s houses , sharing of heating , reduction of loneliness and less costs associated with care in the early stages of decline and with less loneliness, less mental and physical decline so less need for social care all round
… edit to add - but all need to be equal partners not expecting mums hotel

I enjoy multi generational living. Moved out and had my own home, etc. for many years.

When DD was born we made a decision to find a house suitable for both families, and moved in together. Works really well for us, especially now dad is a widower. We can keep an eye on him, it helps with loneliness, etc. and no worries about childcare.

I don’t know why it is seen as such a terrible thing, I’m sure if it was more acceptable it would solve a lot of stress for many women.

It’s already an option. Sometimes it works, often it doesn’t. Women normally seem to be the ones to pay the price in the latter case.

I think lots of people would be happy to have their adult children live with them but would be less keen on their parents and in-laws living with them. People also tend to be less tolerant of their son or daughter-in-law’s foibles than they are of the foibles of their own children.

There are countless threads on sites like this where people have temporarily moved in with parents/ in-laws during house renovations or similar and it’s totally destroyed relationships.

The issue comes when people get old and home has to be sold for care costs. I think there may be some sort of exception/delay but I’m no expert.

In theory it sounds like a nice idea.

I'm 27 and still live with my mum for support, and I have a son who also lives with us. I honestly don't see myself ever living away from my mum. I tried it once and I had a mental breakdown which had been festering for years.

She loves living with me and my son, and we love living with her.

I see no problem with it as long as I contribute to bills, which I do.

The thing is there is nothing stopping people living this way now. So if it were a popular choice, people would be making it already.

Its already financially favourable to live together in terms of cost sharing.

The only possible incetive would be new housing developers thinking of multi generations when designing houses and throwing a few like that on each estate..

I definitely agree the future will be tough for many and that many will end up having to stay at home for longer or for good. I will be happy for mine to stay as long as they want.

Im late 30’s and am already in talks with my parents about moving back home if things don’t improve in the next few years. With bills rising I am struggling and don’t know how much longer I will be able to continue with the way things are going.
The future is a constant worry for me, so I am thinking I might as well enjoy a few years with my parents before I’m on my own again and stressing about the bills or where I’m going to live.

I think it’s cultural. Our grandparents didn’t have to do it. I do think it’ll become more common as I don’t see young people’s lives getting any easier.

The houses here are generally not built for peaceful multi gen living. In places where it's common, everyone has their private spaces, not just bedroom where you can hear everything 😉
I grew up in multi gen house. So did my DH. Everyone had their own unit like a flat.
I would absolutely not do multigen living in a 40s 3 bed semi....

Absolutely not. I grew up living like this, as did most of my friends. There's a hell of a price to pay, usually by women who do 99% of the domestic dross and caring. The younger generation are never free to say what they like or do what they like without questions and judgements.
In a granny annex, fine.

I have zero interest in always living with my kids. I would like some peace and privacy at some point. I’m not interested in being regular childcare for grandchildren, nor in never having the freedom to enjoy just being alone with my spouse.

I’m not about to kick my kids out, I currently have AC at home. But I do look forward to it being just the spouse and I one day.

I think multi-generational living often = more stress for middle female parent, i.e. you. You have concerns for your children and your parent(s) (in-law). Really not judging you one bit.

I can only see it working if everyone only has one child. I'm one of two siblings, and between us we have 5 kids, should we all live with our mum forever? And if not which family should live in the big house, and which should go it alone? Which grandkids are going to benefit from live-in grandparent care and which will be in nursery & wrap around, it would lead to two-tier families.

Absolutely not. You couldn't pay me.

Different for mine both have disabilties youngest ds has one that is life threatening 24/7. I don’t mind if they live with me when Im old but both do have large savings that they cannot touch till 21, so if they want to move out they have the ability to do so.
That said I lived with my MIL twice and I bloody hated it and moved out of my parents at nineteen. I have no desire to do it again.

I think multigenerational living can work and be fantastic.
my parents built an annexe to their home which both my sisters, their partner/ dh’s and kids used whilst they saved for a house deposit. Both lived there 3 years each.
my bf and her parents bought a big house and live together. I was a bit skeptical knowing all their personalities but it works. The grandparents help with the kids,do school pick ups, babysit, do homework and play with kids. I think it will keep the GP’s young.
I don’t think my bf has thought about the future though. Her parents are 70 and in good health. Their parents lived until well into their 90’s so my bf potentially has another 25 years of her parents living with her. By that time she’ll be mid 60’s and her kids will have probably left home. I personally wouldn’t fancy that.

My DS moved back home for 3 years after Uni to save up for a house deposit. It was never his intention to move back home, or even to his home town, but he just happened to find employment here. He's moved out now but frankly it was not always a harmonious 3 years. It certainly couldn't have been a permanent arrangement - and we have plenty of space here for him. We get on much better now he has his own place 5 miles away.

I certainly couldn't have lived with my mother and neither was having her living with us an option in her later years. From a distance we got on just fine, but under the same roof and with constant scrutiny and judgement from her it would have been a disaster.

I'm sure it works well for some, but even in Asian communities where it has always been the culture, I'm sure that many wish it wasn't.

There’s no should about it. Circumstances vary.

It’s house size OP. The majority of houses in the UK are small semi detached 3 beds houses. One kitchen, and a living room diner. Where are all these adults going to fit in?

I bought a little (shit) house for my older kids, they paid the mortgage on that and when they were ready to move on, sold it and that was their deposit.

So parents are going to have to buy big houses to potentially accommodate their children, spouses and grandchildren?

I think generally speaking multi generational living is not popular because women bear the brunt of the care needs. It’s all very well having young adults with you who may create some mess and washing but are actually healthy and self caring.
Having elderlies with you with ever increasing care needs - eg continence, mobility and cognitive issues and needing costant supervision, would be a killer I’m afraid.
All very well years ago when women may not have worked, and expected less from their lives and folk didn’t live as long.

Most old people die without needing care costs. This will be more common again when people stop receiving life lengthening but not life saving ops in their 60/70’s

I think it might well become more common but what I mean is when people have a choice that isnt based on finances they seem to want to not live with thier parents. It seems to be something people do to avoid being poor rather than because they wanted to look after thier mother in law in her dotage.

Everything has a cultural element to it. If thing are the social norm people go along with it and wouldnt feel odd doing it, but I think you are looking it as isnt it lovely my children stay forever, perhaps not factoring in that thier parter doesnt like you that much and they are there too.