AIBU to say that the future should include multi generational living?

[Cluborange666]

You always see comments on Mumsnet about the failure of older kids still living at home and adult kids being annoying if they are home but I just don’t get it.

Firstly because I actually like my kids and don’t have any issue with them living with us for as long as they want. I don’t want to see them living in some horrible little flat that sucks up all their money. I lived in a freezing flat when I was 18 and it was grim. It didn’t motivate me. It just made me jealous of my friends who were still living with their parents. Poverty isn’t a rite of passage. It’s just depressing.

Secondly, the young ones are going to find things really hard in the future. They aren’t going to be able to follow the same script that our parents did. I see Asian families looking after each other, their married kids with decent lives because they live with their parents (often no need for childcare) and having much more money as a result. The parents benefit too as they have company and support as they age.

This idea that we must all live separately seems counterintuitive to me. Our cave people ancestors would never have lived in separate caves. I think multigenerational living would be better for (most) people - excluding people like me who got away from abusive parents - better for the environment and better for young people as there would be far less pressure on them to pay hundreds of thousands for tiny homes.

This means you’ve only seen how a particular socio economic class of Asians run MGL -
also, finances aren’t everything..
pressure / lack of agency / expectations / judgement can be rife in these circumstances…. Not a recipe for happy life !

I think everyone/ every family is different, and we can’t make hard and fast rules or expectations about it!

We sent our kids to grammar. But then all living at home with this during uni/work is fine. We only expect them to move out if and when they buy a house.

The main problem I have with that style of living arrangements is that it always seems to be daughters and win law doing all the housework, looking after parents and PIL. Why aren’t the child generation of men doing all the slog?!

@Cluborange666 My grandparents were all dead by the time I was eight. I was always quite envious of other people's grannies! I am fortunate in that I had good parents. They were quite strict, but overall I had a very happy childhood. It's one of the reasons why I was OK with moving in with my remaining parent to help in lockdown. I am still there as they have a progressive illness and can't look after themselves anymore.

It's not an easy thing to do and I can see that it would be impossible thing if you had a shitty upbringing or lacked resourced. The ideal, I suppose, would be living together, but apart in some sort of community situation where everyone mucked in and money wasn't an issue.

You're applying a middle class bubble here when you should know that's not the reality for so many.

Saving money for private schools? In my area many families can barely feed themselves, no matter how many family members they have to cram into their homes.

And I don't believe for one second you're actually friends with all these Asian people you work with.

If you were, or you'd grown up with as many Asian families as I have, you'd realise how ignorant you sound to the reality.

And if there are any disputes the husbands normally side with their parents, there have been many threads on here regarding this.

I completely agree, OP. I grew up with at least one grandparent living with us at any one time so always three generations in a house. Until my mum passes away my DDs had the same.

DDs are welcome to stay as long as they like.

Lots of single people living alone has hugely contributed to the housing crisis.

Same here but not Asian - so that’s just parenting young adults, is it not ??

Surely this all depends on what parents can afford, if you own your house, rely on benefits? Any mention of childcare on this thread all involves females

It’s really is a personal preference. I agree with the argument that the next generation isn’t going to have the same ability to afford housing like the boomer generation did, that is already visible today. But frankly I couldn’t live with my mother. We are very different people. It just wouldn’t work. And I also love my kids and want to support them - hence saving for a deposit for them - and want them to stay home as long as they want but I think it is beneficial for them to have their own space, especially once they are married with kids. I enjoyed my space with my DH, and then with the kids. So it really is up to what works for everyone. Not everyone can help with deposits - therefore maybe allowing them to stay longer for them to save it’s a good idea. But again - each to their own.

I think they did? Perhaps it's a wealth thing? My mum's family lived in a 2 up 2 down. 3 children. Bone poor. My great-grandma lived in the front downstairs room. My father and his mother shared a house, my grandfather had died. As a child growing up, all of my friends had grandparents sharing the house. Grandparents upstairs, next generation downstairs. Very, very common in the 1960s.

But you must know that most people - even in a 'decent sized home' - don't have two living rooms? Of course that would make it easier (though assuming you have one kitchen and dining space I still think you might find some conflict over communal spaces).

Also, are you suggesting that your preference would be that they pay you and you extend your home, rather than them putting their own money into having their own home? I don't think this seems like it's in their best interests, at all.

Would he be happy to do that much once a DIL moves in? Are you happy for your children to have parties when they want (with some drug taking)? Will you compromise on Christmas etc? What makes it a bit easier is having two living rooms. It's interesting that you wouldn't let them take over the decorating. My neighbour's son would have him live with them, but he has let his personal hygiene go and has started to hoard. The neighbour (83) won't compromise on his TV schedule. He doesn't believe in sitting around in pjs etc.
Cultures that have multi generation living are very different to ours. It's starting to become less popular now women's rights are increasing. People in those cultures don't live in the physical state we do. If they have heart issues etc, they die the ages we used to. Care burdens are greater in develped society. Those, like yourself, who are happy with it, can crack on. It shouldn't be the norm here.

My grandmother lived with us for a decade or so when I was a child, and I think that was why my mother never even suggested the possibility to me...

There is no way I could ever have lived with my parents (or my in-laws) as an adult, due to personalities, lifestyle, locations and many other reasons. Likewise, much as I love my adult offspring, I would not want to live with either of them. Relationships are much better with a bit of personal space, I find.

But of course it should be an option, and it might be helpful if the housebuilding, planning and tax systems made it easier for people who want to have multi-generational housing, or other currently unconventional patterns, like co-housing.

I know a few people who have bought houses next door to their parents (or a few doors down) or have an annexe for the parents. And one whose mum lives with them. It does work well for them and definitely massively helps with childcare. Seems to be more commonly daughters and often where the dad works away a lot which probably helps. Or where a daughter has become a single mum and moved back home.

I lived with in laws for a few years whilst at uni and found it tough. But I don't think I'd like to live with my own family either. I like my space and independence.

Annexe/self contained extension seems the best of both worlds though. Or neighbouring houses though that still means two sets of bills

I'm somewhere in the middle. I have zero issue with my DC continuing to live at home for as long as they like. They will always be welcome here. Equally the thought of living with my mum or my in-laws makes me hyperventilate. 😂

You’d have to have huge houses. To end up with your children, their partners, their children and so on.

And one tiny living room isn’t going to cut it either.

Also rules. They need to then be communally agreed not just Im the oldest so what I say goes.

Houses big enough to basically be their own flats with a floor each or a granny annex plus an over garage flat sure. Where everyone has their own space more than just a bedroom.

But me and dh, our three children and then their partners and their children in a bog standard 4 bed semi no way.

Ugh - no thank you.

Living with my mother? Nope.

Also how many generations.

I couldn’t live with my mum or my mil.

If all children are staying who’s are leaving. We are not making dils new slaves while packing off our daughters are we??

It is down to individual choice and your family dynamic. Parents and next generation families living in one very large house is still cheaper than separate houses. Only one council tax and also saves on potential care costs. Of course, you can choose separate living, funds permitting.

This is my ambition. Out of interest, did you gift it directly or hold onto ownership until a certain age? A long way off for me but I'm interested in the most sensible approach.

More generally, I think there is a bit of an English cultural expectation around setting up an independent home in young adulthood. It's not the same in all cultures.

I don't think that it should be a general expectation that we live in intergenerational households. For some that would mean remaining in abusive or otherwise unhealthy situations. But I don't think it should be a taboo and think it is fine if it works for everyone involved.

have you spoken to the women who are carrying the burden of caring for everyone? Away from any of their family members when they can speak freely?

One of my friends grew up in a huge family where her mum was the middle woman who did everything. And she was a bundle of nervous exhausted depression until my friend left home and took her with her.

Hell would freeze over before my inlaws lived in my house! I don't think it's a bad idea if you all get on well enough, but in practice, I don't think most families in this day and age and in this country can weather it for a long time.