AIBU to say that the future should include multi generational living?

[Cluborange666]

You always see comments on Mumsnet about the failure of older kids still living at home and adult kids being annoying if they are home but I just don’t get it.

Firstly because I actually like my kids and don’t have any issue with them living with us for as long as they want. I don’t want to see them living in some horrible little flat that sucks up all their money. I lived in a freezing flat when I was 18 and it was grim. It didn’t motivate me. It just made me jealous of my friends who were still living with their parents. Poverty isn’t a rite of passage. It’s just depressing.

Secondly, the young ones are going to find things really hard in the future. They aren’t going to be able to follow the same script that our parents did. I see Asian families looking after each other, their married kids with decent lives because they live with their parents (often no need for childcare) and having much more money as a result. The parents benefit too as they have company and support as they age.

This idea that we must all live separately seems counterintuitive to me. Our cave people ancestors would never have lived in separate caves. I think multigenerational living would be better for (most) people - excluding people like me who got away from abusive parents - better for the environment and better for young people as there would be far less pressure on them to pay hundreds of thousands for tiny homes.

My kids are only at most 25. But I know one family who has done true multi generation living. They have a big house and a married couple got their own floor for themselves .

In theory it's a great idea, but it would be a living nightmare unless everyone had their own front door so you would need a mansion à la Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen and his family.

You need to be near the work place of the younger generations, so that's a limiting factor too.

We did suggest this to our parents and in laws about 20 years ago, and it was they who rejected the idea.

I think most British people would need some sort of annexe situation to make it work. Unless the grandparent has no partner, the adult child has no partner and that adult has only one child. Then that’s like a core household of 3 (who can discuss/decide stuff) rather than 2 entire family units - who may have very different needs.

I grew up in a predominantly Asian area and I can tell you that the idyllic stories of nan and grandad moving in with their family in their old age - being looked after and helping out with childcare etc, isn't always as great as it sounds.

Very often the reality is being squeezed into a 2 or 3 bedroom flat, 10 floors up in a council block where the lift is constantly breaking down and sharing a bedroom with a toddler.

The older and more infirm they get, the more pressure and responsibility is placed on the daughter or DIL to play Florence Nightingale, whilst her husband continues with his life like nothing's happened.

The repercussions of hitting breaking point and wanting to put them in a nursing home/sheltered accommodation?

Often told 'absolutely not' by their husband or completely shunned by family and friends if they do.

It can be great in a big property if there's plenty of money for carers/cleaners etc, but that's not the reality for many.

Intergenerational living should work, especially for supportive close knit families with a largish house.

If you can afford your own home you should still have the option of moving out. You can still offer support to your family.

No doubt in time, Housing payments will be scrapped thus resulting in more inter generational living. People will assess their live decisions more carefully when they realise their life outcome is down to their own actions.

YABU. It’s wonderful if living together across the generations happens organically , but it can be so very limiting if it becomes the expectation.

DH & I have been lucky enough to live and work in several countries around the world. What an eye opening experience that has been for a woman who grew up in the NE of Scotland. That would not have happened if the expectation was that we stay home, housed with the parents, grandparents, siblngs etc.

Each person makes their own way through life; if they want to stay lose to home and family, good for them; if they want to venture elsewhere, that’s fine too.

Just don’t lets judge people - be they child or parent, for the choices they make.

Ok what about those who don't have parents? (If they died?) what if they have no other family? Where is the evidence to suggest housing benefit will be scrapped?

I wouldn't mind my DS staying home as long as he needs to, as long as he pulls his weight and pays his way.

But if the boot was on the other foot, I couldn't live with my mother any longer than I had to. I moved into my Grandparents house at 13 as I couldn't bear it any longer. She is definitely reminded frequently that I get to choose her nursing home 😆

Would happily have my son home after uni for as long as needed as long as he pulls his weight.

The idea of living with either my parents or DH’s Mum frankly horrifies me!!!! 😬😳😆

If you don't have immediate family you obviously can't live in an interational set-up. You would rent a room or rent a flat or house or buy.

Scrapping housing benefit will happen in the next few years when other cuts come into place. It won't happen overnight but will be phased in.

I’d rather my kids live here at home and save their money to buy a home , than spend it on rent.

The thing is that not all families are exactly peas in a pod. My mum was highly abusive and negligent. I was merely surviving when I lived with her. She'd divorced my dad years prior by way of social contagion (she had some pretty vindictive divorced friends who convinced her to divorce my dad and she regretted it hard days later). There was no food in the house and she was obsessed with making money without having any kind of plan to make money. She took all of her failures out on me, sometimes every day. She was also controlling; if I got up in the night to use the toilet, I was yelled at. If I sneezed or coughed in the night, I was yelled at.

Not being able to 'launch' as it were is considered failure, but most people conscious of how hard it is to find an affordable rental or buy a house these days don't consider it failure to launch when they know the system is actively working against them. Why do you think parents gift their children with money for a deposit? The know and they want to help.

Multigenerational families are more of a cultural thing. It's seen a lot in countries like Italy, India, Pakistan and Bangladesh etc. Brits are the polar opposite and value their independence. If multigenerational families do become normal, it'll be forced due to financial pressures leading to social engineering.

In my work I find that a lot of people want to keep granny at home, instead of a nursing home, to hang onto their pension and benefits.

I think the main thing is space and having a big house.

This has happened recently in some of the councils I work with. The LA change the qualifying criteria to a points system which changes the eligibility and for many families has halved or even removed their entitlement.

It's not a race to the bottom.

Also educate yourself about other cultures and how controlling and abusive that would be. It's often not through choice but through being essentially owned by relatives and severe repercussions that people live like that.

Mimsnet is getting nuttier by the minute.

We don't need to be pushed to turn into a third world country, it's happening anyway.

Firstly because I actually like my kids and don’t have any issue with them living with us for as long as they want.

Out of interest, how old are they now?

What really needs to happen is for the retired generation to move out of the large family homes they occupy and free them up for the families

Where are these smaller - appropriate for elderly people - homes?

I think the majority of us are obviously happy to house our children until they can get on their feet . It's when partners and grandchildren arrive that it becomes difficult.

I think if you live in a suitable property, it's a very sensible solution. Keywords being suitable property. It's not like everyone could cope with multiple generations being rammed into a standard 3-bed semi indefinitely - where's the personal space and quality of life? If on the other hand, you have a spacious house with annex or separate cottage on the same grounds so everyone has their own space, that sounds pretty great.

This is assuming that the family can afford to buy out the elderly family member and buy a smaller home for them.

Couldn’t agree more. Been piled on several times on those threads for saying the same thing.

We've still got our children living at home (oldest is 23) but the older 2 have ASD so slightly different scenario. I still work full time and, frankly, I absolutely do not want to be providing substantial childcare within the next 10 years. In 10 years time, I'll be 67 and almost certainly knackered. I'll probably be working part time because retirement is nothing but a pipe dream and to give up my non working days to look after a grand child regularly is not what I'm hoping for. I'd like some flexibility in (semi) retirement, to do some travelling, finally get the time to go to the gym daily, some swimming and properly look after my health if its not too damn late!

I'm an introvert and sharing my house with my husband and children is enough for me, adding their spouses would not be sustainable. Unless I was in the granny flat (alone) and people had to make an appointment to visit me! :)

It can only work if there is a marked and agreed transition in roles from parent>child dynamic to adults sharing. If we let young adults behave like teens, expecting everything to be done for them and to pay for nothing because the magic fairy creates heat, broadband, full fridges, etc then it can't work. Nor can it work if parents expect their adult kids to contribute but live by 'their' rules - eg no overnight guests, no cooking or bathing late at night after long shifts. There would have to be compromises that everyone agreed to.

I don't doubt that multi-generational living works well for many families. Personally, I would rather be sewn up in a sack and dumped in the Thames.