AIBU to say that the future should include multi generational living?

[Cluborange666]

You always see comments on Mumsnet about the failure of older kids still living at home and adult kids being annoying if they are home but I just don’t get it.

Firstly because I actually like my kids and don’t have any issue with them living with us for as long as they want. I don’t want to see them living in some horrible little flat that sucks up all their money. I lived in a freezing flat when I was 18 and it was grim. It didn’t motivate me. It just made me jealous of my friends who were still living with their parents. Poverty isn’t a rite of passage. It’s just depressing.

Secondly, the young ones are going to find things really hard in the future. They aren’t going to be able to follow the same script that our parents did. I see Asian families looking after each other, their married kids with decent lives because they live with their parents (often no need for childcare) and having much more money as a result. The parents benefit too as they have company and support as they age.

This idea that we must all live separately seems counterintuitive to me. Our cave people ancestors would never have lived in separate caves. I think multigenerational living would be better for (most) people - excluding people like me who got away from abusive parents - better for the environment and better for young people as there would be far less pressure on them to pay hundreds of thousands for tiny homes.

I think it depends on the individual relationships, whether there is truly mutual consent for living together (and mutual agreement on things like how long the arrangement will continue, plus basic house rules and responsibilities) and the setup of the house - is there even sufficient space and privacy for all?

It's definitely not for everyone, but it shocks me that there's so much stigma about these types of arrangements when in many cases they are mutually beneficial. An acquaintance in her late 30s returned from abroad and moved into the "carriage house" on her mother's and stepdad's property. She paid significantly below market rent, but they wouldn't have rented the place out to a stranger anyway. And they were happy to have someone look after the house and dogs when they were travelling. But people were absolutely vicious about it. And a forty-something single male coworker was vilified behind his back because "he lives with his mum". No one bothered to find out that he had actually bought the house he grew up after his mum was partially disabled in an accident (dad had previously died) and had it renovated so she could navigate, then couldn't afford a separate place for himself and care for her and so lived in.

The idea that it's always going to be the woman of the couple who own the house doing extra work the more adults that live in the house may be statistically true, but outside of certain specific cases there's no reason for it. Legitimate physical and mental limitations aside, who ARE all these adult children, parents, PILs - and for that matter husbands - who aren't doing their share around the house and simply assume someone else will do it?

Well, very wealthy people do it all the time. They have enough space. A separate wing or apartment in their mansion.
im sure many people would do this if they had they had the space. Bit hard to do in our traditional 3 bed semis or terrace.

The problem is, living together works depending on who is seen as living with the others.

So @Cluborange666you can imagine it working well to have your adult DCs living with you. But you are assuming it’s your house, you are the one in charge and you get to set the house rules. How about you living with them? In their house. Their rules. You have to fit in with their family and their way of doing things- which may well be different to your own.

A good test for if you truly see your house as equally your child’s home - could they, as adults earning good money, decide to redecorate the living room? Or actually as adults would they only really be guests in your home and still in the “child” role who has to just accept the wall paint you’ve picked?

Do you think they should wait for you to die before they get to pick their own sofa colour?

No thanks.

I feel like it often just means more work for the women such as more cooking, cleaning and doing childcare forever.

I like my own space and don't want to provide free childcare.

I like the idea that facilities for older people should be near nurseries so that there can be interaction. Studies have shown that this benefits both parties.

Basically you want women to keep on caring for people generation after generation in other words

There is a post up at the moment and the OP has reached despair as MIL is not paying her way ,is racist etc and lots of people feel sorry for her. There seems to be a way to work it if the has a separate annexe or flat or a garden office type of building. Most youngsters will look forward to having their own place and stay at home for a lot longer than they used to.

I like the idea of it, but only on the basis of me and my DC living together. You couldn’t pay me enough to want to live with my own mother. That really would be a life of indentured servitude.

What age are you kids, OP?
Mine are teenagers and we are all looking forward to when they can move out!
I'd like them to experience having to do everything themselves, having to plan for stuff and not just assume that bills are paid, things get fixed, etc.

That said, I wouldn't mind them coming back as adults if they wanted to/needed to. But we would need to have more space , we barely have space for the teens, certainly could not also cope with their families.

Exactly -
the example given of Asian families living in multi generation households, happy, looking after each other is not the whole story -
it may be cultural / financially beneficial but
there are also problems often resulting in mental health problems related to powerlessness / lack of agency / feeling exploited / lack of privacy / being judged and criticised

Not a set up to be aspired to.

We had a couple of huge Asian families like this when we lived in a posh bit of Windsor - ( we rented the smallest 4 bed detached on street) the 2 Asian families had what looked like 6 bed plus houses with enormous living space - from a money angle it’s a different mentality - it’s very much seen as family money, they buy businesses and franchises between them, money is pooled and I have a suspicion the women did all the domestic stuff too but the guys brought home the bacon - I’m not quite sure the British mentality would go for this kind of setup - I do see the advantages, but what if you get particularly arsey adult there or a truly awful ‘in law’ - you are kind of stuck with it - even for the money savings how many mumsnetters would genuinely want to live long term as a family with their parents or in-laws?

I echo others on this thread in respect of how can we facilitate intergeneration living when many of us live in small homes.

I remember my elderly grandparents living with us in the 1970s when myself and my brothers were late teens to early 20s. My two older brothers were already sharing a room, so me and my younger brother had to take turns on the setee so our grandparents could have a room. We were crammed in like sardines, I was first out the door and my brothers soon followed when they got jobs.

We live in a four bedroom house and have managed with our three young adults living at home at the same time but it wasnt for a long period of time. As time went on we struggled with lack of privacy/space.

How’s that going to happen. It’s literally a GMC rule that all life extending treatment must be considered. That’s why those at the very end of their lives go back and forth from hospital getting antibiotic drips, blood transfusions, intravenous feeding and hydration, countless tests and scans.

I see Asian families looking after each other, their married kids with decent lives because they live with their parents

i am not going to get into it, because I have not RTFT but i can guess what answers this predicts.

Big fat NO from me. Not to having my own parents or in-laws to live with me, and a bigger and fatter no to imposing myself on my DCs and their families.

What we need is a far far far bigger programme of building smaller dwellings, accessible not too high flats with a balcony for preference, so that older people can downsize and live independent lives.

Dreadful idea.

You don't automatically get on with someone simply because you are related to them.

Also it just means women being expected to spend their entire adult life caring for other people, first children then elderly people and being tethered to a home...

Great. I pay huge amount in taxes, bills, mortgage, supporting my grown children and now people like me have to pay for and look after boomer parents for decades after they’ve spent all their money on cruises.

No thanks.

People used to live together because they had no choice. Housing was expensive and families were larger.

The reason people moved away from that is because our living standards improved and given a choice people would rather not live on top of one another.

Taking away that option for most people and forcing them to live together is a decline in living standards.

So the government(s) not building enough good affordable housing for everyone (which is what successive governments have done over the past 30 years) and allowing house prices to rise to unaffordable levels is an affront to everyone, even though it seems to be celebrated by many.

This isn't something that will go on forever. If governments aren't acting to provide people with the basics, jobs, housing, food etc, what use are they to people ?

What happens when the home owner dies and there is more than one adult DC to inherit? Who becomes the default adult to provide multi generational living? Who provides the care, is it always the women?

DS now lives between our house and his GF, he contributes to both households, they plan to rent together when her current lease runs out in a few months.

It’s been great for our love life as we have the house to ourselves far more often.

I suppose inter generational living is like Christmas without the tinsel, all together. No thanks and half my heritage is Chinese, I don’t want a family compound. My Dads generation was the last lot that lived like that in the 1950’s.

"Our cave people ancestors would never have lived in separate caves."

They only had to tolerate each other for the average life span of 35 years.

We are an Indian family. I absolutely love it that all my DC are still with me. I have 3 DC. 2 have or are currently going to university (London )and for the most part of it they commuted. The year they had out in halls I missed them loads but then came back each weekend. I'm happy for them to stay with us for as long as they want whilst they begin their career (also in London). No need to pay rent for someone else's mortgage.

Guess some of us value the meaning of family and don't rush to chuck out the kids.

Whilst multigenerational living may well become a necessity in the future due to the cost of living for young people, I think it’s far from ideal. Adults need their own space, so unless a property is big enough to allow that to happen (e.g a granny flat or annex), I think it rarely works. I love my children, but don’t want them to be living with me as adults. It wouldn’t be fair on them or us.

This !!

Its like when I hear that in XXX country, everyone looks after their own and don’t put their elders into horrible care home or their children in to terrible nurseries, and I think, “you mean women in xxx country.”

Family care means unemployed women.

@Calyon you can value the meaning of family without having your kids live with you for years. Many multi generational living usually involves at least one woman doing all the drudge work

I couldn’t have lived with my own parents.
But it could work. There needs to be a private space - bedroom to retreat to.
Ground rules have to be set and followed.
My parents would not have tolerated anything other than ‘my way is the only/best way.’
I have met lots of older people who understand boundaries and would be a pleasure to live with.