AIBU to say that the future should include multi generational living?

[Cluborange666]

You always see comments on Mumsnet about the failure of older kids still living at home and adult kids being annoying if they are home but I just don’t get it.

Firstly because I actually like my kids and don’t have any issue with them living with us for as long as they want. I don’t want to see them living in some horrible little flat that sucks up all their money. I lived in a freezing flat when I was 18 and it was grim. It didn’t motivate me. It just made me jealous of my friends who were still living with their parents. Poverty isn’t a rite of passage. It’s just depressing.

Secondly, the young ones are going to find things really hard in the future. They aren’t going to be able to follow the same script that our parents did. I see Asian families looking after each other, their married kids with decent lives because they live with their parents (often no need for childcare) and having much more money as a result. The parents benefit too as they have company and support as they age.

This idea that we must all live separately seems counterintuitive to me. Our cave people ancestors would never have lived in separate caves. I think multigenerational living would be better for (most) people - excluding people like me who got away from abusive parents - better for the environment and better for young people as there would be far less pressure on them to pay hundreds of thousands for tiny homes.

My DS will probably always live with me. He has autism but he functions well enough, holds down a job, has friends etc. He even worked/lived abroad for a while, so does have experience of living alone. He doesn't want a relationship. I'm single and also not looking to date again. So no awkwardness in that area (which is to me the main reason for people wanting their own place). Also we live in London so it's more common here I think. A few of his friends also live at home.

It works well for us, he does his own cooking, washing etc, helps with chores. If he moved out I'd probably get a lodger to help financially so it's not as if I'd have the house to myself anyway. As it is, he gets a cheaper place and I get help with the bills. We both have more disposable income as a result.

We do get on very well though. The house is also a decent size/layout that we're not on top of each other. I might feel differently if not for those two things.

I adore my kids but I don't want them living with us permanently. They've both moved out (mid 20s) and they know they will always have a room here if anything happens with work or relationships but they need to live their own lives, away from us.

I have a nephew in his 30s who has never left home, it's odd, and I'm sure it puts women off him.

As for elderly parents, as someone else has said, it's usually the woman who ends up doing all the work, no thanks. My mum had her in laws living with her for years and she always said she'd never expect them from me as it nearly broke up their marriage.

I love my calm quiet house. I love when the kids descend with their partners (no grandkids yet), and I enjoy the noise and the energy, they come over a lot, we all get on very well, but it's nice when they leave again.

It depends on the house and the dynamics really. The danger is that whoever is considered to be the the default mother-figure, she's going to end up doing the majority of the donkey work and - let's face it - it's going to be the mid-generation woman waiting hand and foot on the older generation and the younger generation, probably whilst also working and carrying all of the mental load. If multi-generational living becomes a norm or an expectation then, while individual households might be more mindful of this pitfall, at a societal level it's going to start hammering opportunities open to women.

The other downside is that adult children staying at home can keep them in a child-like role. Again, down to dynamics but how many threads do we see on here where the OP is overinvested in the comings and goings of their adult DC? Independence is a life skill and while it may look different from person to person, the end goal is to be as autonomous as possible. Living in a dynamic where you are the 'child' isn't healthy.

I have a DS26 living at home who is showing no signs of moving out and that’s fine with us. We also enjoy having him around. He works in digital forensics so is a bit of a geek and not one for clubbing etc so I would worry he would become too insular if he lived on his own. I doubt he will leave home until he finds someone to house share with or gets into a serious relationship.

I also have my DM85 living next door. She now has dementia and needs support. She eats with us every evening otherwise she would just eat crumpets! It can be hard, especially for my DH I think, but we try to make sure we have time out together and see our friends, especially now we are both semi retired. There was a time about 10 years ago when we were both working full time jobs and we would have to do a two hour journey each way once a week to collect his parents’ washing and to do some cleaning as they weren’t coping at all. Then later on we would be getting calls from the ambulance service or their neighbours in the middle of the night. Eventually they both went into care homes but the weekly trips continued. It was awful. Having DM next door is so much easier and I can take her out and about and she can stay in her own home.

My nanna also lived opposite my aunt and they had a similar set-up.

its not for everyone but it works for us.

My elderly mother now has a hospital bed in the lounge. I have an adult daughter and a grandchild , my sister and her husband have 2 adult children who are both pregnant and married, so in a few months time there will be 11 people. There's no way we would all fit into the 3 bedroom house with no use of a lounge.

No ‘should’ about it. No way I would have lived with my in-laws and also will be quite relieved when some of my (adult) kids move out, as some are harder work living together than others. Once you start shoving the word ‘should’ in there, you lost me.

I can imagine a day when we may move in with MIL to look after her in her old age. I'm fine with this. My children are welcome to stay with us as long as they want. I imagine though that they will want their own houses for their families, just as we did.
We have a lovely flat nearby that we rent out. If they wanted we'd let them live in it for cheap / free to give them some independence while they save.

I wouldn't do it, I prioritise quiet and my peace.

Never see men pushing for multi generation living, so they can provide elderly care and be the main parent?

In an ideal world, yes. But as someone who's (temporarily) living with their dad it's would be unbearable for us all to continue this way. My kids would be welcome to live with me as long as they like (within reason and as long as it suits everyone) but I wouldn't expect my kids to live with me for my benefit or to take care of me because that's unfair. Our kids didn't ask to be born and to expect them to give their lives over to helping their elders is wrong, they have their own lives to live!

Brief but 100% correct!

No, no offence OP but families can be complicated even when not actually abusive. I would describe myself as exceptionally close to my parents who I love but there is all sorts of history and complications with our relationship that mean I would be fundamentally unhappy living with them.

I agree, I stay with my mother for a couple of days a week, I also have to work from hers which is getting increasingly difficult as she keeps calling for me and despite many reminders that I'm working, she won't stop.

We will need bigger houses, and many are struggling to afford their current houses. I don't see how it is possible.

I have two young adult children, one of whom is away at university half the time. Of the three of us permanently at home, we all have hybrid jobs so we need work spaces (we have 2 between 3 of us). The house is already bursting at the seams. University child wants to do a placement next year and live at home. If she too gets a hybrid job, we will physically not have enough space for everyone to work/live as they want. Same thing will apply if one wants to move in a partner. And there is definitely no space for children, unless they share their parents' bed.

This line in the OP is absolutely riproaring -

"I think multigenerational living would be better for (most) people - excluding people like me"

The whole premise of multigenerational living relies on women caring for the generation above and the generation below their entire lives. Fuck that.

Do a lot of the problems as highlighted on Mumsnet come up because the current housing is not suitable for multi generational living? We do have a spare room for example but the rest of the house is far too small to support even one extra person being here full time.

Fuck no. If it works for you then great, crack on, but I like my peace and my space, thanks. As did my mum who was great, but also clear when we all left for uni, that she wanted her life and her house back. She lived alone in her house, and her boyfriend lived in his. Same set up I have with mine. I know who ends up doing most of the work in any household, and it’s not the men!

This is an absolute reverse of another thread running this morning about a 26 year old who lives at home so she can travel. It's written in the exact same style.

Someone's researching for an article and looking for MNet quotes.

I'd literally rather be dead than live with either of my parents. I left at 18 and never went back. They could have supported me more but I was strewn out into independence early on.

Today I am extremely grateful for this. I don't get jealous of others. If others have things I want I work out how to get them for myself.

My children will always have a home with me as long as they are good housemates too. It's on me to teach that, and I am, but should they become slothenly litter bug ingrates in their late teens I'd fully expect them to vacate with the money I'm putting aside for them.

As for those from cultures where MGL is the norm I'm not sure you know how happy they are. They are also cultures where women are given to men from their fathers as though they're property handed around like a commodity. The traditions they're built from are far from nice, or loving. They're based on necessity and women being basically property.

Not every woman wants to marry or have children. What then? I also don't expect my children to care for me. They could be living on the other side of the world with kids of their own and completely unable to even visit me in my old age.

It's on me to sort my old age care out, not them. And we all deserve a tranquil safe space that is our own home. We all deserve to only live with those who we enjoy the company of full-time.

The only other adult I'd ever live with would be my kids, and even that's dependent on them having respect for the home I'm providing. I will not live in misery, mess, or under duress.

If it is working well for everyone involved, fine, no problem.

On the other hand, there is no way I am living with my parents or in-laws.

I'm not even sure I would want grandchildren living here, if I had the choice. My house is no longer child proof and I don't want to change that. I don't want the mess of young children. If my grown children partner up or have children, I'd prefer them have their own household. I'd be supportive if it were necessary though.

If I had to choose between the generation up and generations down, no competition - anything but the parents on either side.

I would love to live with my parents or vice versa. We just dont have and never will have the room. I lived at home until I was 25, as did my brothers, and we all got along well, everything ran smoothly.

My kids will have a home with us as long as rhey need one.

I think it sounds like a terrible idea for many reasons, not the least of which I consider it my job as a parent to ensure my DC can live alone and thrive independently.

This stood out for me : I lived in a freezing flat when I was 18 and it was grim. It didn’t motivate me. It just made me jealous of my friends who were still living with their parents. Poverty isn’t a rite of passage. It’s just depressing.
For me, I also lived in a freezing flat, but it absolutely motivated me...it gave me the drive to get better jobs and save hard for a better life, and I succeeded in doing so. I think expectations for young folk are much higher now ( I have a teen at uni) which I think might be part of the problem.

I'd rather live in my car than go back under my parents' roof.

And I like my parents.

Interesting debate, and my thoughts are echoed in this post.

I grew up living with my DM, SF and maternal grandmother, and over the last decade or so I've lived with my DP and adult children, various partners and sometimes their friends too, coming and going for various lengths of time.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, very much depends on all sorts of factors and the personalities / practicalities involved.

Currently I'm widowed and living completely alone (with two cats) for the first time since college and I doubt that I will end up being "taken in" by my offspring in my dotage, as the economic climate suggests the option would be a cupboard, literally, in my sons tiny one bed flat.

I think framing it as a "should" is unrealistic.

When I, my exDH and my DS did a couple of years living with my DM after she was widowed, I ended up in a child position due to the strong and controlling natures of my Ex and my DM, and it didn't last.

My MIL developed dementia and we looked after her for about 18 months but she deteriorated so rapidly that we couldn't keep her safe beyond that.

So I can say with confidence "it depends".I certainly don't think it should be an obligation in any way, nor do I think people should be discouraged or judged if it turns out it's fine and dandy for them.

More people crammed into less space. A bit like the middle ages where you had 14 people living in 2 rooms. Maybe we could fit pigs and cows in there too.

So the future should be a decline in living standards.

From a distance we got on just fine, but under the same roof and with constant scrutiny and judgement from her it would have been a disaster.

This. Often these threads forget that the dynamic between parents and adult children can be too much to bear to desire to live in the same household again.

My own mental health would plummet below hell if I had to live with my parents again. I live 4,000 miles away for a reason. It means I only see them in person once a year or once every two years usually. It’s easier talking to them via Skype than being around them for extended periods of time. They come for 10 days and that is enough for me. I also would not want to live with my in-laws and neither would DH unless we absolutely had to and even then we would be saving as much as possible to move out.