AIBU to say that the future should include multi generational living?

[Cluborange666]

You always see comments on Mumsnet about the failure of older kids still living at home and adult kids being annoying if they are home but I just don’t get it.

Firstly because I actually like my kids and don’t have any issue with them living with us for as long as they want. I don’t want to see them living in some horrible little flat that sucks up all their money. I lived in a freezing flat when I was 18 and it was grim. It didn’t motivate me. It just made me jealous of my friends who were still living with their parents. Poverty isn’t a rite of passage. It’s just depressing.

Secondly, the young ones are going to find things really hard in the future. They aren’t going to be able to follow the same script that our parents did. I see Asian families looking after each other, their married kids with decent lives because they live with their parents (often no need for childcare) and having much more money as a result. The parents benefit too as they have company and support as they age.

This idea that we must all live separately seems counterintuitive to me. Our cave people ancestors would never have lived in separate caves. I think multigenerational living would be better for (most) people - excluding people like me who got away from abusive parents - better for the environment and better for young people as there would be far less pressure on them to pay hundreds of thousands for tiny homes.

And living with your partner's parents is a very different - and, for most people, much worse - prospect than continuing to live with your own.

There are plenty of large homes for sale on Rightmove. What is wrong with the current crop? Surely they need to be purchased first.

I think it really depends. Like everything. We are debating moving to a bigger house and my mum moving in. We all get along though for the most part (though who knows once living together again?) and my husband and my mum adore each other. However, I could never live with mil. She's nice enough but we are very very different people and it just wouldn't work.

Our great grandparents DID have to do it though. Early 20th century it was quite the norm.
I don’t think it’s at all desirable to live in one another’s pockets. It strains relationships and ultimately makes people resentful and less supportive than if everyone has their own space. Personal view; obviously others disagree, and I guess it depends on the individuals involved.

That's a fair point.

I guess it depends on the relationship but I rarely see it being a good option for anyone. Cultures where this is normal tend to be patriachal family structures where the women are expected to all take their cue from the eldest (usually the MIL) in order to run the household. It doesn't work if the "child" is an adult in a relationship with their own decisions to make about division of work which they do not want someone else's input into.

I know people who still live with parents in their 30s and they are just very childlike in their behaviour. It should look like 3 adults living together but it's not because the parents continue to do all the organising of everything (calling the landlord if something's broken or if they own the home, fixing it, making decisions about decor and upgrades, paying the energy bills and home insurance) and the adult child doesn't even know about the decisions that need making.

And it constantly slips back into a parent/child dynamic where the parent is telling the "child" off and giving them advice. It's not an even power balance when you live with your parents.

DD and I had to briefly stay with my parents when we had some delays with purchasing a house and DH was stuck in a different area finishing off his work contract, and after 6 weeks of my Mum giving me her opinion on every aspect of my parenting, my sleep pattern, what I spent my money on, I felt like a bloody teenager again.

I agree. I had to live in my own at 18, it was cold, expensive, miserable. My grown up kids can come and go as they please . The laat one just went in his late 20s. One went to uni and never came back full time. One went to uni and came back for a few years I love having them and their friends. Our home is always open. I would not be a averse to swapping with anyone if for some reason their home was not big enough.

My grandparents had to live with my grandmother's parents immediately after the second world war, as they couldn't afford their own place for them and their two tiny children as my grandfather was struggling to get a job after being discharged. It went so badly that my granddad went and re-enrolled in the army after a couple of months rather than keep living with his father-in-law! As you say, it might have been normal but that doesn't mean it was easy or well-liked.

That’s what I was saying. There was a necessity in earlier times, and it wasn’t a good thing.

Our great grandparents DID have to do it though. Early 20th century it was quite the norm.

Did they though? I’ve added it up and each set of my great grandparents averaged 6.75 kids that lived to teenage years (lots more children but many deaths as babies and children from diphtheria and the like). Maybe then adjust it down for those lost in WW1 and let’s say 5 on average per set that got to 18/20yo. They didn’t all get married and keep living with parents and then add their kids in to that circus, they moved out and started their own households. I recall some of my great grandparents took in lodgers after the war, being men returned crippled who had poor job prospects, some of which became additional ‘parents’ to my grandparents right up to their deaths. There was no multigenerational living I recall in my family in that era, as just too many children to make that viable I think?

I think we need to redesign our houses to accommodate this.
I like multi generational living, I can see its advantages provided you actually have a loving supportive family, but I can't see it working well in a crowded 2 up 2 down.
You'd need a large semi with a large garden and a kind of granny annex to give everyone their space.

As others have said - you may well love, cherish and be best mates with your adult daughter but sometimes you privately think her husband is a dick. And which family goes where? My husband and I are only children with an only child so which family gets the honour of us rocking up with DS6 in tow?

I have seen this go very badly for a friend. Eldest of three. Middle daughter lived at home until their parents died and she got the whole house as inheritance because "it's her home". And no, she wasn't a carer for her parents. They both died in their 60s from short illnesses.

I’ve lost both of my parents, by an age where most people would be lucky enough not to have even had to consider the possibility.

there HAS to be some pay out to that…and I consider that to be that I have no future care responsibilities outside of any possible grandchildren. So unless my partner wanted to be the sole carer of his mother, multigenerational living will not be happening in my household!

Dd2 has a large house but even so I can't imagine moving in as it would be difficult to be independent of each other. I think it can work better if one party lives near the other so independent but able to help each other if necessary and socialise.

We have a decent enough semi detached. 4 bedrooms and a room with a sofa bed where an extra guest can stay.

That reads like you definitely see multigenerational living as something that is for a limited period while your dcs are in their 20s, not married and not parents themselves.

Most people are ok with that, but that’s not really what’s meant by multigenerational living- would you accept a son or daughter in law moving in too? For them to still be living in your house when they have dcs of their own? Rather than saving to buy their own house, saving with the expectation you’ll sell up your house and buy a bigger one with them and all live together until the older generation dies.

It works for some people but it’s not for me. Like you, I assume my dcs will buy their own homes as adults which I will visit and then leave.

I couldn't live with my parents or in-laws.

My mother has spent her whole life working full-time and (only obvious in hindsight) organising, supporting and worrying about four other adults, one with undiagnosed autism and three with undiagnosed ADHD. The woman is practically a saint. She is also a bit of a martinet, being an incredibly organised and logical person who has had to deal with a whole load of shit in her life, including a husband who (although lovely) has the attention span of a gnat, whose discarded projects litter the house and who has become completely financially illiterate with zero executive function. As well as four adult children prone to various degrees of disorganisation, depression and emotional dysregulation who she has supported as we lurch from crisis to crisis. One of us is still living at home. As a result, my mother is somewhat controlling in the way that she does things (having had to be, to get stuff done) and, although we have a wonderful relationship with each other, we grate on each other after a few days and recognise that we like our own space.

My in-laws, especially MIL, are quite rigid and intolerant in the way they do things. They're nice enough but it's their way or the high way. I can manage a weekend with them but that's my limit, especially as I am also becoming less flexible on certain things as I get older.

Space is a wonderful thing, especially where dominating personalities are involved.

We’ve got a decent sized home and have two living rooms. I think I’d let them decorate one and keep the other my way. I would absolutely compromise. If we had a bit of spare cash (from adult children), I’d build some sort of extension or loft conversion to give them extra space too. I wouldn’t see us as all doing everything together.

To answer another person, I don’t see myself currently as the default carer as my husband and I are 50/50 on that. He does a lot more housework than I do and we have brought our sons up to see that as normal. I earn slightly more than my DH.

You might have enough bedrooms but most houses only have one kitchen ,possibly 2 reception rooms.Meal times could be problematic, with children wanting to eat earlier, everyone wanting something different at different times, having friends round for dinner , where would you sit ?

I work with mostly Asian people and have seen that it really works for them. They free up enough money to send their kids to private school etc which most British people can’t afford. In that sense, I have educated myself and see the positives in another culture. They aren’t racing to the bottom, they’re pushing the next generation further up.

Try actually being friends with them and you might be privy to how it really feels.

Or stepping outside of your bubble and look at the amount of families for whom it doesn't work, because they're stuck in shit council accommodation 13 floors up a council block.

Yes. I think people on here often don’t like their family. I dislike my birth family so no condemnation from me. I do like my kids (teens and young adults) and they actively seek us out to spend time with us, as do their friends. I grew up living next door to my granny and it was an absolute blessing for me. I’m not saying this will work for everyone but I think it is a good idea for those who get on with their families.

I am friends with them. They are happy. And obviously I’m not suggesting people crammed together in a flat. Apply some context please!

I can definitely see that I've been impacted negatively by the caring aspect that creeps in to intergenerational living.

I haven't been able to sustain a career, and am now floundering around a bit at soon to be 57 as my skills are creative / soft and ripe to be replaced by AI.

Ironically I am often encouraged to go into the care sector, but doing it professionally rather than due to love / personal circumstances is a whole other can of worms and to be frank, and perhaps accused of lack of resilience I find the prospect quite traumatising, never mind it wouldn't pay enough to sustain me.

Everybody's circumstances are different of course, that's the issue. There is rarely an ideal situation.

Absolutely not. My DH and sons aren’t like that anyway. They clean the bathrooms etc and my DH does about 80% of the housework.