To be disappointed that my mom's husband donated things I would have loved

[Kate8889]

My mom husband (I was 23 when they met so don't see him as a father figure) recently donated a big box of video games, consoles etc, I saw it in a box in the garage. I have always wanted to have a video game system but have never been able to afford one.

I asked my mom if I could possibly have some of the items and she said no, these were specifically going for donation to be dropped off at a local store.

I asked if I could possibly buy with a discount, also told no, that there are things that remind him of a past relationship and he doesn't want to see them when he visits my house.

Right. Well, if he is then you hire someone to fix the holes. Your mother would pay. Because it's actually her house and not yours.

I’d find out where he donates it and buy it just so I could have it on display when he next comes over.

I suppose I shouldn't begrudge my mom some DIY, I don't think I would if I was treated with respect and kindness while I lived there.

I thought you were going to say these belongings were your late mother's. But they belong to her DH. He can give away what he wants that belongs to him. If you want a video game go and buy one.

These people begrudge OP the junk they no longer want but you think OP should still be their servant? What on earth are you thinking?

OP was on the mortgage then so she did own part of the house. He's obviously an abusive dickhead who is estranged from his four adult children and hopefully OP will massively reduce contact with him and her mum who lets her husband treat her daughter like shit on his shoe.

We have one side of it. It’s never one sided. Given the small info the OP has given, it sounds like they just don’t get on. At all.

He’s nasty. She is petty. So he doesn’t want to give her stuff. I’m sure their relationship had a lot more to it, on both sides. He does sound like a nasty piece of work. OP sounds like she was verging on trying to be controlling… I don’t know. But I do know there are always more side to the story.

OP can choose to help her mum or not help her mum years down the line when a bit of DIY is needed. But to go on about some paintings because she MIGHT have to help fill some holes? Just say no if it’s that much of an issue.

Reading your follow-up posts, your mother and her husband both sound like deeply unpleasant people.

Nope she would expect me to do it or it won't get done

So let it not get done.

You need to take a step back from these people. Keep the door open for your mum. Make sure she understands that although you’re having less contact it is because of her choice of husband.

This isn’t a healthy dynamic and you need to prioritise your wellbeing.

OP, it sounds like you've had a rather chaotic upbringing since you mentioned a previous step-father so I'm assuming that at least 2 men (him and your dad) have left within your early lifetime and you've assumed a sort of parental role with your mum.

If this husband leaves you don't have to be the fixer for your mum. She is an adult and, assuming full faculties, can arrange her own repairs and things for her house.

I'd seriously look at therapy to unravel things like feeling like you have to fix everything and why you can't spend an arguably small amount of money on things for your own enjoyment.

Why are you also buying things for your grandparent, and what things? Does she have no money of her own?

Do you and your DH have money to spend on your own enjoyment? If so, does he spend his on himself?

Give yourself permission to buy a console.

So what if it doesn't get done? The holes are in her wall not yours.

Excellent post

Quite. You're giving this future potential issue much too much headspace.

OP, you do appear to have your financial priorities right in wanting to save and provide for your grandma and your children But WHY are you allowing yourself to be such a doormat for your mothers husband? …..he told you not to listen to a podcast when cleaning the kitchen floor because it made you do it slower????? If he had said that to me I would have shoved the mop so far up his arse he would be able to clean his ears out with the handle! What a dreadful man! How does your mother put up with such mean spirited, controlling behaviour?

not saying it's the case here - but if a family member were always on the scrounge for things they fancies, I might not want to give to them

Different intensity levels of bashing 😉

I'm sorry but making that big a deal about 20 paintings is miserable

@Gymrabbit

I'm not denying that this happens, but it's not a given. I volunteer in a charity shop, and the staff are entitled to BUY any items that are donated (for the same price that any other customer would pay) - but we're not allowed to just take them.

This might well be the case. Otherwise this is out of the Cinderella playbook

And so? Then it just doesn't get done. At worst, this cosmetic issue may cause a purchaser to ask for a trivial deduction from the purchase price

He wanted the stuff completely out of his life. Giving it to you would counteract that plan. On the surface, it does seem unfair and unkind.
My parents sold our family home which was an old pile in the country full of antiques. They weren't bothered with auctioning the furniture so gave it to a friend of mine who had just recently built a large home in the countryside.
I was really sad when my parents chose to sell the home I grew up in but understood they needed to downsize.
Walking into my friend's house 2-3 times a year to see the furniture I grew up with at every turn makes it an emotional experience. I don't begrudge them any of it and theoretically am glad it has all gone to a loving home but objects can have this effect. Perhaps this is what he hopes to avoid?

He sounds a bit of a douche to have said that about the podcast and also not sharing the games even at a discount.

Well I think it's extremely mean of them both. If it upsets them to see things in your house I suggest you stop inviting them. I don't think I'd be inviting round family members who go out of their way to stop me having things they don't even want anymore.

He sounds like an asshole and your mum also for allowing that behaviour 🙄