To be disappointed that my mom's husband donated things I would have loved

[Kate8889]

My mom husband (I was 23 when they met so don't see him as a father figure) recently donated a big box of video games, consoles etc, I saw it in a box in the garage. I have always wanted to have a video game system but have never been able to afford one.

I asked my mom if I could possibly have some of the items and she said no, these were specifically going for donation to be dropped off at a local store.

I asked if I could possibly buy with a discount, also told no, that there are things that remind him of a past relationship and he doesn't want to see them when he visits my house.

An adult refusing to pass on a 15+ year old Playstation to his step-daughter, when the charity probably won't be able to sell it and he didn't care which charity got it as long as OP didn't, is just ridiculous.

Why are you wasting time and energy on this? You asked a question, the answer was no. Be a grown up and accept no means no. Save up and buy one for yourself - ask for a gift - look on eBay - look on Freecycle - buy the kids one for Xmas.

Another poster asked if he's been abusive and I described the worst incident. I'm not entitled to his property but I can feel disappointed.

But the guy is an arsehole. This isn’t new information to the OP. She knows he is ann arsehole. He isn’t going to change, he isn’t going to be better. He is unreasonable, he is acting very oddly, he sounds horrible. What does saying all that change? Nothing. OP needs it just grow up, live her own life, get her own things and not expect any better from her mum or this horrible man.
And OP seems very wet. Or maybe very vulnerable. It is an odd thing for an adult to be this worked up about. Save up a couple hundred pounds and buy a console.

The OP is creating a picture where to anyone with half a brain it’s clear that the stepfather is abusive and is denying her the things as part of a power play - therefore he is unreasonable. We all understand that he can do what he wants with them and are also entitled (since we’re normal people) to think this makes him a selfish, controlling prick.

It's not about the cost of the console, it's about the fact that he'd rather it go to a stranger. I should accept he's not a nice person, and move on and not spend time on this, I agree.

Oh good. Another step parent bashing thread on mumsnet, complete with predictable drip feed when it’s not going OPs way 🥱

He sounds appalling. Now, I know this isn't the point (I really do) but if you do decide you want one, there are Playstations going for £20 on Vinted. I've just discovered Vinted for things other than clothes so I'm a bit evangelical about it.
I do understand, though, that his history of horribleness is really the issue here.

He is not my step parent, never had a parental role, I'm much closer to my father in law.

They don't get on, it sounds like they never did. It's unreasonable to expect that he would give her anything. He's living rent-free in her head to the point of posting online. That's only upsetting one person, and it's not him.

But they look exactly the same. If his old console would be triggering, why wouldn't an identical one be triggering?

What if she went and bought one, would that be triggering?

I could understand if he was selling them or giving them to someone specifically, but if he’s donating them to a shop then I think it’s mean that he didn’t give them to you. His excuse of seeing them in your house is a bit strange! It’s a games console not a photo or unusual ornament.

everyone gets bashed here on Mumsnet. Children, parents, birthday candles, immigrants, ex pats, Dubai...

why should step parents get a free pass?

Yeah OP no point in giving this the headspace, he doesn’t deserve it. Hes a weirdo.

However re him moving in with your mum, I’d suggest it’s up to her to ensure he follows house rules about nails etc. so that’s one to speak to her about and then she could speak to him. He probably thinks you are a little bitch for speaking to your elders and betters like that kind of thing. Which is likely linked to his attitude now about the games console.

Is your mum going to pay you back for your part of the house now hes contributing rent? That way she can maje her own rules about nails etc and you can keep away. They don’t sound particularly nice tbh. Out of badness you couod always go to the charity shop they donated the console to and buy it yourself.

My dad refused me the opportunity to buy his house with a discount, my only family home of 25 years, because it would be “too painful to visit” with his new gf as my mum used to live there before she left him five years prior. Since then he visited me in the house i ended up in about six times in a decade. And I watch the new people in my home and can afford to ever love back there. But I just get on with it as I can change it.

This emotional stuff is selfish nonsense from these men. There is an ulterior motive. A power game. It sucks. Their game benefits nobody.

I am fully on your side OP and think he's being ridiculous but I would say that if he's not very nice/selfish then you will be happier psychologically if you accept this. He won't do you any favours, don't accept any.

If you want a console, CEX exchange sell second hand versions of all kinds, including very old models. Highly recommend. And you can sell back to them if you want to swap games.

My mom basically bought me out when I moved out and since then I figure if I need to, I'll hire people to patch up the holes, I can't possibly ask for anything to be done differently in a house I don't have a stake in (except inheritance eventually if it doesn't go to my mom's care fees, my DSD is going to a charity home if I have any say when the time comes).

It seems pretty petty of him, however its his stuff, and I find it odd that you seem to have such sense of entitlement to it.

Someone didn't give you something. So what? Just move on with your life.

He's being a dick for no reason. But you probably wouldn't enjoy an obsolete play station anyway. Save up and buy a second hand console you and your DC can use. Old consoles like that are often free even. Don't give it too much headspace.

Abusive step-parents shouldn't get a pass.

He sounds unpleasant and rather spiteful. I could understand if it was a personal item like jewellery, clothing, photos etc. But a generic games console that's been sitting in the house for over 12 years isn't in that league. As comfort OP, and PlayStation that's that old is at best a PS4 but probably a PS3 and becoming obsolete.

It’s not your house anymore. You no longer own it and you no longer live there. Why are you still even thinking about some holes in the walls from paintings being hung up? Who cares? Why are you already planning to hire someone to go in and patch the holes?

It’s actually perfectly normal to hang things in a house. And when/if your mum ever needs to sell, then you can do the house up or leave it as is. It really shouldn’t be something that takes up space in your head. My parents are in their 60s and I can honestly say that patching up holes after their death as never entered my head. Why are you even still thinking about it?

Do you often really struggle to let go of things?

You were able to help your mum buy a house when you were very young, you then got that investment back when your mum bought you out. You’re married, you have two working adults in your own home… and you can’t buy a games console and you’re still thinking about the hole you may have to patch in 29 or so years time?

He’s a controlling, spiteful little man. Think no more of the games consul, it’s tainted.

This.

Always remember that he did this to you. He simply doesnt want you to have it.

Honestly I would spend my hard earned cash buying the best playstation I could afford, i'd even put it on a credit card but I would get that playstation by hook or by crook.

And don't spend so much time with them if they aren't nice to you.

Thanks everyone, I agree I need to just let this go and spend my precious moments in this earth on people who truly love me.

I agree that you already know he’s an arsehole and so I would not expect anything from him. What I think you could focus on is this idea every spare bit of money needs to go to your kids or helping others in some way. A secondhand PS can be got for not that much and you can afford to put money aside for it in time with just keeping a little back for yourself. That you haven’t and have focused on your step dad having this thing and denying it to you and also denying yourself under the guise of everything needing to go to others and none for you for even a modest purchase you’ve always wanted is misguided. This is you martyring yourself and allowing your step dad to deny you too.

When actually you could have what you want, from your money, and enjoy it - would your children also like to play with you? If you can’t see it as a you purchase why not a family one?

Essentially, while your step dad sounds like a twat, you have plenty of options - don’t allow yourself to become this victim-martyr, it won’t serve you in the long run.