Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

506 replies

daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:28

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 05/10/2025 21:31

Is the middle one biologically his?

Poor kid, i can imagine its stressful for all of you but I am finding it hard to see his pov.

Original poster
daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:32

mumofoneAloneandwell · 05/10/2025 21:31

Is the middle one biologically his?

Poor kid, i can imagine its stressful for all of you but I am finding it hard to see his pov.

Edited

They are all his, all planned and very much wanted

OP posts:
Cookaburraa · 05/10/2025 21:33

Can you pick up more with her and he do more with the other two? Some personalities gel more with others.

Readyforslippers · 05/10/2025 21:33

3Im sure it is tough to hear that from a child, however he is the adult and needs to remember that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/10/2025 21:34

I just can’t imagine it, not loving your own child 😢

Melonjuice · 05/10/2025 21:35

She’s picking up on his dislike for her . I would ask him to see a counsellor to see if there is a better way to process his feelings, possibly ask the school to arrange a TAC meeting with him present to see what other support options can be sought with him involved
him saying that is possibly just frustration , but it is wrong and immature , she won’t be like this forever , things WILL improve for the both of you . Hang in there

mumofoneAloneandwell · 05/10/2025 21:35

daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:32

They are all his, all planned and very much wanted

Show quote history

I'm finding it hard not to tell you to leave him tbh

To say you dont love one of your kids is too far imo and not acceptable.

DoodleLug · 05/10/2025 21:35

Oh wow, this is awful, I'm so sorry.

I have 3 ASD DC, it's been hard and had us both close to breaking point but we were fortunate in that all 3 have always been very loving towards us.

Firstly, what are your immediate options? Do you need help and can you get it if dh won't be involved? Would it be feasible for dh to care for the other 2 whilst you concentrate on dd?

Secondly, can you get a rational conversation going? What needs to change for him to remain involved? Can he get counselling? Can you get additional care arranged so that it is easier on you both?

If you think he will leave what will your options be? You need support, do you already have a team helping you, or at school?

Its easy to say dh is an arse and should step up but you can't force him to. I'd struggle to stay with someone who was willing to drop me in it though.

BMW6 · 05/10/2025 21:37

This is desperately sad - I'm so sorry for you all including your DH.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/10/2025 21:38

I imagine he's in Blocked Care. It's difficult for you both. But it isn't unreasonable for you to expect him to step up and continue to share parenting, which includes your dad's need for emotional connection.

Is there any chance of being able to talk with a therapist?

mumofoneAloneandwell · 05/10/2025 21:39

Melonjuice · 05/10/2025 21:35

She’s picking up on his dislike for her . I would ask him to see a counsellor to see if there is a better way to process his feelings, possibly ask the school to arrange a TAC meeting with him present to see what other support options can be sought with him involved
him saying that is possibly just frustration , but it is wrong and immature , she won’t be like this forever , things WILL improve for the both of you . Hang in there

Edited

This

My sd hated me, didnt want me around and would instigate fights between me and my brother. and I picked up on it. Now hes able to do it openly as we are estranged.

I judge my mum for staying.

If you can, let her know how loved she is op, she probably needs to hesr it, even though You're understandably close to breaking point

A man who wants out will punish you for making him stay, op. Figure out what you can do if you need to survive on your own xx

Original poster
daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:39

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/10/2025 21:34

I just can’t imagine it, not loving your own child 😢

It’s worse than that he said he fantasises about throwing her off a bridge. He said he hates her, she is extremely challenging but he just can’t deal with it anymore.

OP posts:
Zippidydoodah · 05/10/2025 21:40

mumofoneAloneandwell · 05/10/2025 21:35

I'm finding it hard not to tell you to leave him tbh

To say you dont love one of your kids is too far imo and not acceptable.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

Zippidydoodah · 05/10/2025 21:41

daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:39

It’s worse than that he said he fantasises about throwing her off a bridge. He said he hates her, she is extremely challenging but he just can’t deal with it anymore.

Show quote history

What the fuck!! No way would I keep my children anywhere near this man! What a monster! 😱

Bushmillsbabe · 05/10/2025 21:43

Is there any family therapy he and middle daughter can do? NHS waits will be very long, so maybe look at private if you can.

He response was wrong, he should have never said he doesn't love her. And maybe what he means is he doesn't know how to parent her/ maybe he feels like he is failing with this if she is saying she hates him, so is pulling away. It's really tough on you all, but personally I wouldn't suggest that he parent the other 2 and you parent DD as that will create more of a divide and possibly resentment from your other 2 than you seem to be favouring DD.

Is he experiencing any mental health issues? I'm sure I will be crucified for this on here, but in the depths of PND I fantasised about giving my DD to my brother and his wife who couldn't have children, it wasn't that I didn't love her, it was that I didn't feel 'good enough' to parent her and felt someone else would do much better than me at it, as I was a failure.

Hankunamatata · 05/10/2025 21:44

He needs therapy ideally aimed sen parents and you both need couples therapy
Many sen parents have this going through their heads at times but wouldnt say it out loud. He sounds broken and is utterly acting like a child himself with his frustrations.

Original poster
daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:45

I think it’s too late, he doesn’t even want to talk about her anymore. I am a sahm so he works long hours and I do the bulk, some night he only sees her for an hour before bed and he’s completely drained after that.

OP posts:
MrsFantastic · 05/10/2025 21:46

He's obviously struggling and he's told you how he feels. I assume he didn't say it to your daughter's face. Aren't people always saying that men shouldn't bottle up their feelings so much? I don't think that makes him a "monster". Maybe you both need more help.

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/10/2025 21:48

From your update, I would suggest that your husband needs to stay elsewhere for a while.

Saying he hates her, doesn't love her and fantasises about hurting her are very dangerous things to be thinking.

That's not to say it can't be repaired - perhaps therapy would help him but for now I don't think living together is a good idea.

You still need support but you need to get it elsewhere - can you ask family/the school/social services for support instead.

nCofcihave · 05/10/2025 21:48

I felt compelled to answer this even though our situations aren’t identical. It may be long and by the time it posts there may be updates and probably lots of other posts but for now I’m just going on the info in the OP.

My son (now nearly five) was a very tricky toddler. I also had another baby when he was two and a half who (I’m ashamed to say) I bonded with immediately and was fiercely in love with from day dot which wasn’t unfortunately the case with DS. Her arrival, combined with general three-nager attitude took a huge toll on our relationship. He had a massive ‘daddy’ preference and would tell me so, over and over - not you, not you. Daddy. But when daddy was around his behaviour was just so rude and mean.

Quite a few times I felt as if I didn’t love or like him. It doesn’t make you the fount of all evil, it really doesn't. I can see a lot of posters have expressed that your DH is wrong to have said this to you which is interesting as when I posted about DS I got urged to TELL my DH. (I didn’t!)

Our relationship is healed now and we’ve gone from strength to strength. He’s nearly five now and is a lovely boy and that isn’t just from me!

I don’t know about the intricacies of the situation but I do think this is something that never gets talked about. You are handed this baby and there’s so much emotion; love and overwhelming feelings but no one says ‘actually, sometimes you’ll dislike this human.’ But you will. Just as when you get married it isn’t just a white dress and flowers and beauty, it’s a lifetime, it’s the long haul. My DS was not very nice aged three. That’s OK; he isn’t three thank christ and so now I can say it was just a tricky time.

The important thing is to let things change. Let the relationship shift and change. For my part I backed off a bit; gave DS space and gradually ‘came back’ one but at a time. Flowers

I wish you well.

Original poster
daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:49

Hankunamatata · 05/10/2025 21:44

He needs therapy ideally aimed sen parents and you both need couples therapy
Many sen parents have this going through their heads at times but wouldnt say it out loud. He sounds broken and is utterly acting like a child himself with his frustrations.

This is his exactly what he said he feels broken and frustrated, but so do I it’s tough but I need him to do this with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:51

MrsFantastic · 05/10/2025 21:46

He's obviously struggling and he's told you how he feels. I assume he didn't say it to your daughter's face. Aren't people always saying that men shouldn't bottle up their feelings so much? I don't think that makes him a "monster". Maybe you both need more help.

Edited

When she was screaming at him she hated him and never wanted to see him again during a melt down, he responded with I know how you feel, I feel the same way.

OP posts:
PuppyKeep · 05/10/2025 21:53

daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:39

It’s worse than that he said he fantasises about throwing her off a bridge. He said he hates her, she is extremely challenging but he just can’t deal with it anymore.

Show quote history

You really need to LTB. I’m so sorry.

BMW6 · 05/10/2025 21:53

daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:39

It’s worse than that he said he fantasises about throwing her off a bridge. He said he hates her, she is extremely challenging but he just can’t deal with it anymore.

Show quote history

Now the sympathy I felt for him has vanished.

You need to get her away from him urgently. He sounds extremely dangerous.

Fionuala · 05/10/2025 21:54

hang on in
i don't have personal exp of these conds except ord shitty things life throws at us
but over time things will change
it is a learning process for all of you
he may feel now he has given up - we all might feel that way about fam members but this doesn't last
help him and you will help yourself and daughter