My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

I don’t think that decision is in my hands he is done

He sounds like he has "blocked care". (Google it if you need to, which will include potential routes to improve things).

It must be frustrating for you as you will undoubtedly be spending a lot more time than he is parenting her so you're probably thinking, hang on, you have it easier than me!

But sometimes that doesn't help, as he has more time to get used to not doing it and possibly sees her at a time of day when she's not at her best.

You need support too. But he can't provide it so you will need it from elsewhere for now.

What's her behaviour like that's making him so triggered? Is there something(s) you can do to try to make things better? Is she in the right school setting?

I have two ND DC. What I will say is my younger DC is almost 10 now and they have become much easier in the past 6 months. Things change.

If your husband is working long hours, by the time he's got home, he's tired and can't cope with any more than an hour with your middle daughter. Weekends, are probably harder because he's home and he has no option but to be involved. Due to not being home much to spend time with the children in the week, he doesn't have any idea how to communicate with your daughter, and therefore parent her. He's struggling because he doesn't have the skills to deal with her. You on the other hand are the one doing the bulk of the parenting, so have learnt your daughter's quirks, figured out what her triggers may be and how to cope. Your husband needs some therapy on how to deal with his own emotions, a parenting course designed for SEN parents and to learn and understand his daughter. She doesn't hate him, she's picking up on his attitude towards her, and responding accordingly. Your husband needs help.

You really need to speak to a professional, he is a risk to your DC. I understand that parenting is hard but his words are not to be ignored.

Could your husband have the same issues that your daughter has?
Perhaps being alike makes them butt heads.
It took my father and me 30 years to get past all our differences and come to a loving relationship.
We were almost exactly alike.
Just a thought.
Sending love. ❤️

I definitely used to feel numb with DS sometimes. I vividly remember one night when I’d told him off for something and he was sitting on DHs knee and I went to talk to him and he just screamed at me to get away from him. And I did think in a completely flat sort of way ‘well, screw you then’ and walked away.

I think our minds protect us. Because if they were doing that and we had the love that is there for them at the forefront that would just break you, so our minds sort of shut it down a bit.

The bridge comment doesn’t concern me, in fact. I’ve thought worse stuff and never done it.

Dear OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds utterly exhausting.

If your DH is struggling with mental health and is able to, some therapy or medication might help him manage and if he is 'fantasising' about causing harm, he should seek help as a priority. It sounds like you're usually a great team and he may have just hit a temporary wall.

I hope he can see that you are in the same boat and also struggling. Sending you love and luck OP.

She has ASD and ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder so she’s very defiant which he finds frustrating.
She has melt downs and screams and swears and becomes aggressive and hateful which can last up to half an hour multiple times a day.
He is usually a good dad, he’s always been my rock but he’s just had enough and doesn’t want to know anymore.

Holy shit.

She may be autistic and have adhd, but she really has the measure of him does n’t she?

Please don't ignore his bridge comment, he has fallen apart, your dc is your priority, so many children die at the hands of their parents.
He needs to look past her rage and see it as her pain. She doesn't like raging either.
Please stop the trigger, her Dad.

He’s not been sleeping well for a long time and that’s a big issue for him.

That sounds extremely tough to deal with.

How do you deal with oppositional disorder?

I have ADHD and that amount of meltdowns would probably cause me to melt down too, especially the screaming.

I aren't saying your husband is right, it sounds like it is difficult for everyone.

Do you ever suspect your husband is ND?

All signs of a breakdown. Ask him to leave, for himself too.

now that is going way too far.
I can imagine him being deeply hurt by her behaviour, having to listen to her over and over again being nasty and saying 'I don't love you'. But that is extreme.

i really feel for you all, OP. Your husband included. He’s only human at the end of the day and the screaming and abusive behaviour must be difficult to take ad nauseum. He really really needs to speak to a counsellor regardless of if he stays or goes. These are awful feelings to come to terms with and he has clearly fallen apart.

Nope. Not ok. Leave.

What support do each of you actually have outside of each other op? How often do each of you get any sort of down time?

I think he sounds utterly burnt out which is understandable but just opting out isn't any way to deal with that he needs to take steps to actually address it.

That looks like counselling, a support group with other parents dealing with similar, support from a specialist charity and social services (especially if he's fantasising about actually harming her even if he wouldn't actually do it), looking at his stress overall (including stress he has at work), looking at whether he can get some regular nights off (and once he's less burnt out also you) by getting babysitting- even for the other two so one parent can focus solely on your dd alone to make that more manageable and maybe using respite services to give you all a break. If he's really struggling with his mental health then he needs to speak to his gp as well. Or even looking at working flexi hours or similar so he can take 30 minutes before walking in the door to clear his head at the end of the day. You also need support with this op. He's going to need some time to get himself back in check but the essentially leaves you doing even more than you already have been and you also need people in your corner.

I know a lot of families can struggle with the idea of respite care/short stay breaks but it can be a great resource and there is absolutely nothing wrong with using it. You are each only human at the end of the day and if it helps things in the long run then it's the right thing.

3Im sure it is tough to hear that from a child, however he is the adult and needs to remember that.
Great in theory. Not so much when you are living it 24/7

I wouldn’t lbe capable of loving her and would be extremely wound up. It’s obviously terrible, but it would be what it was.

You can’t push yourself to feel things you don’t forever. I suppose you can pretend.

Divorce is the only answer. This is beyond unforgivable.

He is telling you that he can't do this any more, in the clearest sort of terms. He has mucked in until he has broken, and has nothing left to give.

It's awful, for all of you. I'm so sorry OP.

To be honest it sounds absolutely awful. Could you look into some respite care? I feel sorry for you both.

This is a huge concern. This needs to be addressed with medical help. He clearly needs help. How do you know if he won’t act on this? Keep away. These words are truly awful. What is her behaviour? I have an ASD dc.

I do think it's safer for everyone if Dad lives elsewhere at the very least temporarily with the thoughts he's having and whilst he's there to get therapy both as an individual and as a family. I know children like your daughter as my friends son is very similar and I know his behaviour can drive the most sane person to their absolute limit and she's reached the point of "I love him but I do not like him at all" and "I'm done" a few times. Can you get respite at all? Is it worth looking into?