My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

Context is everything.

Has he approached the OP and said this out of the blue, calmly and with sincerity? Or in the process of or immediate aftermath of extreme behaviour from his DD when tensions are running high and he's feeling completely overwhelmed?

Can we not start saying this man is probably autistic because he's expressed a desire to murder his child please like it's an excuse for his behaviour.

Expressing a desire to murder your child is not in the DSM 5 or ICD11.

Many of us autistic parents to autistic children have never ever formulated never mind expressed a verbal plan for how we would specifically go about killing our children despite being so chronically overwhelmed all of the time. We're more likely to have poorer mental health outcomes that lead to self harm and suicide than we are to murder.

He has said he fantasises over it.

He has had this thought, multiple times, with excitement.

She seems to think he means it. I can tell you if my husband said it is be having a serious conversation with him about what exactly he meant and ending our relationship. I'd rather do it alone than worry my child is in danger. Sounds like op can't have that conversation. Because this man is already a problem. Guaranteed.

All 5 of mine are at some level of autism &/or ADHD and I struggled a lot with them all, their father(my very much ex)was absolutely awful with all of them, if they lashed out he would say something worse and soul destroying to them. I had to say to him constantly that he was the adult here so he needed to stopit.
He even thought kids can be evil and do things on purpose, I had to show him the science behind the developing brain to get him to wake up to those idiotic comments. All of my minions went through their own rough phases and I'll be glad to tell you that they all came through it the other side. My middle son was the hardest I think for both of us and he's grown into such a loving young man. I just hope that his cheeky ADHD side doesn't decide to take over again at any point.

My girls were definitely hit harder mentally because of their dad and I'm still working through it with them.

Anxiety is the route cause of asd and adhd meltdowns! The greater the anxiety, the greater the dysregulation and so the greater the meltdowns. That's fundamental to understanding asd and adhd. Anxiety impacts emotional and sensory regulation. You can't discuss meltdowns without considering anxiety.
A ND 7 year old having extreme meltdowns is experiencing extreme anxiety. It is terrifying for them!

That's without considering the additional fear generated by her out of control (dysregulated) father

Shut up shes 7 this is a grown fucking man saying he wants to throw his child off a bridge. Are you ok?

ASD and ADHD don't come from nowhere -they're genetic. Is it possible he's also ND, maybe undiagnosed and he's passed it down to her?

So you have a double whammy of difficulty to deal with.

He is utterly knackered at work, hasn't really got to know his own child and has no personal resources to deal with her calmly and sensibly.

We're handed a baby and told 'parent that, however they turn out - but you won't be getting any training or support on HOW, you're going to have to figure it out by yourselves. You're on your own'.

Are you both in contact with parents of other children with SEN? Do you have a network?

Because the behaviours I described are only part of who he is. He's also bright, hilarious, creative, musical, entertaining etc...just a pain in the arse aswell 😂

You must not leave them alone together. People sometimes do say these things when they cannot stand another minute of caring for another person, and they usually do not not mean it - but sometimes they do and sometimes it happens.

Do NOT leave him alone with her, ever, for any amount of time.

You BOTH need respite, not just him. You need at least one day a week where someone will come and give you respite. If that cannot be family then please contact organisations to help.

You could start here:
National Autistic Society: Advice, support groups, and respite care referrals for families with autistic children, 0808 800 4104 or autism.org.uk.

Contact.org: information, emotional support, and local respite options for parents of disabled children, including autism. Helpline: 0808 808 3555 or contact.org.uk.

The Respite Association: Offers funding and guidance for short-term respite breaks to ease carer burden. Visit: therespiteassociation.org.uk.

Or contact your local council children's services and apply for free or funded short breaks/respite

Once you have regular respite set up, you can take a breath and think about next steps.

It sounds like he's right to raise the alarm - whether he's a murderous bastard or a burnt-out dad is immaterial in the sense that either could lead to harm for your DD if he continues not coping. So he needs to be able to go somewhere even if it's very temporary, sort out his sleep, get some therapy. I know this is harder than it sounds but if he's a good dad he'll work at it.

It's absolutely a horrific situation and your DD sounds very challenging but your DH is the one who has most agency so he needs to take the actions (which includes safeguarding her if need be). Lots of great suggestions on this thread for where to seek support but ultimately you need to prioritise her as she's more vulnerable. Which it sounds like you are doing, and I'm glad she has you.

My first reading of this is to think this man is very brave to share this with you. He is at breaking point and is obviously seriously suffering with MH if he is having intrusive thoughts. This is a cry for help.

When a woman is sobbing on the floor saying she can't love her baby and she thinks about drowning it or shaking it or whatever, do we say her Dh should immediately dump her and seek custody? No she is usually met with sympathy and acknowledgement of her PND and advice to seek professional help.

I have a child who went through awful phases of oppositional behaviour although rarely violent and I admit there was a time when my only coping mechanism was to detach myself because I honestly felt sometimes the alternative was to run away and never return. I never got so far to say I didn't love Dc but then they never were specifically abusive to me either. I somehow managed to stop feeling anything at all and just got on with the day. I shrugged off any confrontation and engaged as little as possible. Months later when I found myself coming back I was full of guilt and shame about how I disengaged but now looking back I see it was a coping mechanism to keep me sane.

This man needs help and understanding now. And you OP I really feel for you, it's increased your burden. By helping him you'll help everyone in the family including yourself.

Oh give over, if a woman did that best case scenario someone would find mental health help and have her sectioned. Worst case scenario the kids would be taken into care until she proved herself not a danger.

Did you get any support from Early Help, respite etc? CAMHS? Any family around? Any other SEN families you can contact for support? How old are your other kids? ODD with ND can be a difficult combination to manage, you're SAHM juggling home and childcare, he's the provider for family of 5, I'm not suprised you're both burnt out. Take care, OP.

Intrusive thoughts are fleeting and cause distress. The person having them doesn't want them. They're distressing and you feel horrified by them. That's a mental health issue that needs urgent support.

Fantasising is different. It's not a fleeting thought. It's a thought that is dwelled on and relished, even exciting. It's an emotionally explored thought. That is why this should be an imminent safeguarding concern for this child.

If he wants compassion and kindness maybe he should use his agency and autonomy to protect his children, leave, get therapy and seek help for himself instead of using his free time mulling over how to throw his child off a bridge.

I’ve just seen you’ve said your daughter has ODD. That’s an outdated diagnosis, and kids who were previously diagnosed with ODD are now seen as having PDA or trauma, and the treatment for these are to go low demand. Definitely check out the PDA Society website, and maybe push for a different diagnosis. And maybe watch a webinar with your husband to see if it fits?

Yep! Going low demand and filling sensory needs has 100% improved everything for us!

And btw, I think your husband was trying to warn you that he will harm your daughter. No matter whether fair or unfair, right or wrong, he is telling you he simply cannot cope anymore and will harm her.

All the shoulds in the world won't change that. Please keep her safe.

No this is a pp who described her challenging child and is responding to an absolutely vile question of how she can love him. She's referring to why she loves her child.

Well I'm more ok than you I suspect.

Our daughters sound very similar and Jesus it’s hard! Honestly I was your DP a year ago, I couldn’t see things getting better, I cried so much because she was angry and miserable all the time and honestly so was I.
there was no support, no one to guide us on how to help her so we started to learn ourselves and it has slowly got better we still have very rough days but there’s definitely improvement. The fact your partner is talking to you is good. We got our daughter into gymnastics which she loves and it seems to be regulate her, she now also has a monthly sleep over with a family member which has helped just give us breathing space and it may sound terrible but we got her an iPad and it’s been a godsend for helping her zone out for half an hour after school and just calm down a little (we are strict it’s not endless screen time but just enough) hot baths as well she just loves to float in a hot bath she will stay in there for ages. These little changes have made such a difference

i wouldn’t have thought so. Make that gp appt in the morning.

My child can be very challenging but I love her more than anything in this world. She is brave and funny this man is an absolute pig. An hour a day pfft! Stop giving this absolute turd sympathy she be locked up for that comment alone nasty bastard.