Page 5 | My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

QuickPeachPoet · 05/10/2025 23:02

notacooldad · 05/10/2025 22:13

3Im sure it is tough to hear that from a child, however he is the adult and needs to remember that.
Great in theory. Not so much when you are living it 24/7

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This. Imagine being hit, kicked, screamed and sworn at, told I hate you all the time at home, the place with is meant to be safe and happy. It's ruining your marriage, making your other children unhappy, and generally trashing the family dynamic.
Now he should not be talking about throwing anyone off bridges, but the man is human. He hates the situation as there is literally nothing to like.
As for an answer? I honestly don't know.

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 05/10/2025 23:03

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/10/2025 21:34

I just can’t imagine it, not loving your own child 😢

Sounds depressed.

ladycardamom · 05/10/2025 23:05

Well he needs to get support on how to manage her behaviours better. Is a positive parenting course available in your area?

KittyHigham · 05/10/2025 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Or maybe they're there because instead of having parents and teachers who understood their neurotype and nervous systems, they had angry, uncompromising relationships that exacerbated their difficulties rather than supporting them. Prisons are full of people undiagnosed or misdiagnosed or unsupported.

Your readiness to write off a 7 year old child is abhorrent.

Yabbadabbadooooooo · 05/10/2025 23:06

My husband was like this with our daughter who is ASD with PDA traits, and she sounds similar. They now have a wonderful and loving relationship, so there is hope. He needs a lens change. What helped my husband shift to empathy and love was attending an online seminar with the PDA Society, it was only 1.5 hours, but he changed immeasurably and has totally ‘got’ her since then. For me, reading The Explosive Child was also inspirational - his motto is that kids do well when they can. Your daughter may benefit from low demand parenting,
allowing her to eg eat in her room, have a screen, not have to do homework etc., this lowers the strain on her nervous system and she won’t be in fight or flight mode when he gets home. If she’s at school, the pressure of masking all day ends up with the ‘coke bottle effect’ where bottling up all her autistic traits all day in order to fit in results in explosions of violence and frustration when she is home in her safe place with her safe people, you and him. If you lower demands in everyday life, your evenings and weekends will be easier, it’s been life changing for our daughter. Try watching a few At Peace Parents videos on Facebook / insta or TikTok, she’s amazing at describing how to prevent nervous system burnout, which is where it sounds like your daughter is heading. There is a book called Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman, or have a look at the PDA Society website as she sounds v similar to my daughter, who has demand avoidant traits. Wishing you luck. Hang in there. It’s a blip. Can they watch a TV series / game together to bond over something on her world? He needs to try to remember and see the little girl inside, not the fight or flight nervous system reaction of an ND girl trying to exist in an NT world. Life is hard for her, he needs some tools to learn to empathise. Sending you strength and solidarity!

Goldenbear · 05/10/2025 23:06

QuickPeachPoet · 05/10/2025 23:02

This. Imagine being hit, kicked, screamed and sworn at, told I hate you all the time at home, the place with is meant to be safe and happy. It's ruining your marriage, making your other children unhappy, and generally trashing the family dynamic.
Now he should not be talking about throwing anyone off bridges, but the man is human. He hates the situation as there is literally nothing to like.
As for an answer? I honestly don't know.

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If he works long hours and doesn't see her much, it sounds like it's more about a tolerance level which as an adult he needs to sort out.

Barnbrack · 05/10/2025 23:07

Yabbadabbadooooooo · 05/10/2025 23:06

My husband was like this with our daughter who is ASD with PDA traits, and she sounds similar. They now have a wonderful and loving relationship, so there is hope. He needs a lens change. What helped my husband shift to empathy and love was attending an online seminar with the PDA Society, it was only 1.5 hours, but he changed immeasurably and has totally ‘got’ her since then. For me, reading The Explosive Child was also inspirational - his motto is that kids do well when they can. Your daughter may benefit from low demand parenting,
allowing her to eg eat in her room, have a screen, not have to do homework etc., this lowers the strain on her nervous system and she won’t be in fight or flight mode when he gets home. If she’s at school, the pressure of masking all day ends up with the ‘coke bottle effect’ where bottling up all her autistic traits all day in order to fit in results in explosions of violence and frustration when she is home in her safe place with her safe people, you and him. If you lower demands in everyday life, your evenings and weekends will be easier, it’s been life changing for our daughter. Try watching a few At Peace Parents videos on Facebook / insta or TikTok, she’s amazing at describing how to prevent nervous system burnout, which is where it sounds like your daughter is heading. There is a book called Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman, or have a look at the PDA Society website as she sounds v similar to my daughter, who has demand avoidant traits. Wishing you luck. Hang in there. It’s a blip. Can they watch a TV series / game together to bond over something on her world? He needs to try to remember and see the little girl inside, not the fight or flight nervous system reaction of an ND girl trying to exist in an NT world. Life is hard for her, he needs some tools to learn to empathise. Sending you strength and solidarity!

Did he say he fantasized about murdering her like ops husband? Despite only spending an hour at a time with her? Come on! If they're in the news becauAe he's murdered the child in a few months everyone on here will be doing 'hoe can anyone do this, the monster's but he's told on himself in advance and so many are going 'ah poor chap'

Thelifeofashowgirlx · 05/10/2025 23:07

PrivateMusic · 05/10/2025 22:59

“The bridge comment doesn’t concern me, in fact. I’ve thought worse stuff and never done it.”
That is really not ok.

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When you've spent 6 hours being battered by your child, had your belongings smashed to smithereens and your other children terrorised in their own home - only a SAINT would be able to say, hand on heart, they haven't had a fleeting thought about wanting to give said child a swift smack on the behind.

I've thought it. Many times. I haven't done it.

Sallycanwait44 · 05/10/2025 23:08

I've 2 autistic kids, if my husband ever said that to me he would be out of the house and never allowed near the kids again. Having thoughts of killing his child is so disturbing but you are lucky that you have a chance to protect her now

Barnbrack · 05/10/2025 23:10

QuickPeachPoet · 05/10/2025 23:02

This. Imagine being hit, kicked, screamed and sworn at, told I hate you all the time at home, the place with is meant to be safe and happy. It's ruining your marriage, making your other children unhappy, and generally trashing the family dynamic.
Now he should not be talking about throwing anyone off bridges, but the man is human. He hates the situation as there is literally nothing to like.
As for an answer? I honestly don't know.

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This is our reality with our child and we spend our lives finding ways to help him because he's HAVING a hard time not trying to give us a hard time. And it helps, it improves things, there are ways to manage things as a family.

So no, noone needs to be dehumanizing a child. Which is what's happening here.

Barnbrack · 05/10/2025 23:11

Thelifeofashowgirlx · 05/10/2025 23:07

When you've spent 6 hours being battered by your child, had your belongings smashed to smithereens and your other children terrorised in their own home - only a SAINT would be able to say, hand on heart, they haven't had a fleeting thought about wanting to give said child a swift smack on the behind.

I've thought it. Many times. I haven't done it.

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Thinking you'd like to give your child aswift snack is different to saying you want to throw them off a bridge.

Barnbrack · 05/10/2025 23:12

Sallycanwait44 · 05/10/2025 23:08

I've 2 autistic kids, if my husband ever said that to me he would be out of the house and never allowed near the kids again. Having thoughts of killing his child is so disturbing but you are lucky that you have a chance to protect her now

Agree completely, it's absolutely disgusting that so many secretly think 'youd be justified in murdering a child like the one you have' ffs I can't describe how loved and worthwhile our son is. These people offering justifications are vile

TonTonMacoute · 05/10/2025 23:15

Well OP. It seems you have two choices.

Either you boot out your DH and manage this whole situation on your own. Or you work together to find help to get through this very challenging situation as a family team.

You are probably the only person your DH can say this to, horrible as it is. He is at rock bottom, and you are too.

Seek professional help, not the vipers of Mumsnet whose only solution is LTB

DrBlackbird · 05/10/2025 23:16

It’s generally accepted that autism runs in families. That many autistic people struggle with uncertainty and flexibility. Many have a need to control the actions and behaviour of others including their children and will get frustrated when they can’t. Many struggle to put aside their needs to first meet the needs of others. Including their children. It is very likely that your DH is autistic. Traits in men however seem to be more accepted.

Some dear friend’s marriage was nearly torn apart by conflict between the (autistic) father and the (autistic) child. If you can afford family counselling that might help. If you can afford a sen specialist psychologist to help you manage your DDs behaviour that might help. Melatonin to help sleep might help (off licence still maybe but discuss with paediatrician) might help. If you have any grandparents who could babysit even for one evening for you two to go out might help. But it is so hard. Harder still for v self referential people. Sending hugs op 🌷

Homegrownberries · 05/10/2025 23:17

Any chance he shares her issues?

With autism and ADHD you often don't have to look too far to find it elsewhere in the family.

Her behaviour is challenging but you are coping with it. What is different about him? His reaction is extreme and highly unusual.

Yabbadabbadooooooo · 05/10/2025 23:17

Barnbrack · 05/10/2025 23:07

Did he say he fantasized about murdering her like ops husband? Despite only spending an hour at a time with her? Come on! If they're in the news becauAe he's murdered the child in a few months everyone on here will be doing 'hoe can anyone do this, the monster's but he's told on himself in advance and so many are going 'ah poor chap'

Show quote history

Hi yes he did. I called the police on him for it. He swore he was joking. He is very loving now and they have a wonderful relationship, we all tell each other we love each other multiple times a day. It was a blip, showing how low he was feeling, he would never have done anything. But I’m glad I told the police as if it had been real, there’s a record of it, which is also a huge deterrent to him thinking like that again in the future.

Thelifeofashowgirlx · 05/10/2025 23:18

Barnbrack · 05/10/2025 23:11

Thinking you'd like to give your child aswift snack is different to saying you want to throw them off a bridge.

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It's clearly hyperbolic IMO.

People regularly say extreme things when they're angry, hell people say things like that for all manner of flippant reasons.

"John's left his dirty washing on the floor again, I could kill him"

"I could throttle him"

"Sarah's 2 hours late she's dead when she gets home"

This is just an overwhelmed man, probably neurodiverse himself, venting.

If the OP genuinely believes he's a risk then I'm sure she'd be taking the necessary action.

If I was judged on every time I'd made a flippant comment in anger I'd have been lifed off years ago.

Spinaltapped · 05/10/2025 23:20

KittyHigham · 05/10/2025 22:50

Because the reality is his daughter is living in abject terror. Her meltdowns are a survival response to extreme fear. Shes not "feral" or loveless for fucks sake.
I'd suggest its highly likely she has PDA not ODD. And if so needs a completely different parenting (and teaching) approach.
No one with a PDA children will tell you its easy, but the parents have a responsibility to try and understand their child's needs not simply fight against them. Once that happens the child is able to respond with love not fear.
@daddywoe you need to get social care involved. Your dd is at risk. She's at best emotionally neglected, likely being emotionally abused by her father's behaviour and potentially physically at risk from him losing control. Get support from school and look at PDA.
Longer term she's at high risk from not having her needs fully identified and will be experiencing trauma from her extreme anxiety.
This is urgent OP. Your daughter needs safeguarding.

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You don't know that the OPs daughter is living in abject terror - I don't think it's helpful at all to the OP to make a claim like this.

Her neurodivergence sounds complex, you can't make a diagnosis that she's terrified and lashing out extreme fear of her father from the information which has been shared.

Original poster

daddywoe · 05/10/2025 23:20

DrBlackbird · 05/10/2025 23:16

It’s generally accepted that autism runs in families. That many autistic people struggle with uncertainty and flexibility. Many have a need to control the actions and behaviour of others including their children and will get frustrated when they can’t. Many struggle to put aside their needs to first meet the needs of others. Including their children. It is very likely that your DH is autistic. Traits in men however seem to be more accepted.

Some dear friend’s marriage was nearly torn apart by conflict between the (autistic) father and the (autistic) child. If you can afford family counselling that might help. If you can afford a sen specialist psychologist to help you manage your DDs behaviour that might help. Melatonin to help sleep might help (off licence still maybe but discuss with paediatrician) might help. If you have any grandparents who could babysit even for one evening for you two to go out might help. But it is so hard. Harder still for v self referential people. Sending hugs op 🌷

I don’t think Dh is autistic but I agree it does seem to run in my own family.

OP posts:

PrivateMusic · 05/10/2025 23:21

Thelifeofashowgirlx · 05/10/2025 23:18

It's clearly hyperbolic IMO.

People regularly say extreme things when they're angry, hell people say things like that for all manner of flippant reasons.

"John's left his dirty washing on the floor again, I could kill him"

"I could throttle him"

"Sarah's 2 hours late she's dead when she gets home"

This is just an overwhelmed man, probably neurodiverse himself, venting.

If the OP genuinely believes he's a risk then I'm sure she'd be taking the necessary action.

If I was judged on every time I'd made a flippant comment in anger I'd have been lifed off years ago.

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Saying ‘oh I could kill him’ in a flippant manner is nothing like admitting you fantasise about throwing your child off a bridge.

Barnbrack · 05/10/2025 23:21

Thelifeofashowgirlx · 05/10/2025 23:18

It's clearly hyperbolic IMO.

People regularly say extreme things when they're angry, hell people say things like that for all manner of flippant reasons.

"John's left his dirty washing on the floor again, I could kill him"

"I could throttle him"

"Sarah's 2 hours late she's dead when she gets home"

This is just an overwhelmed man, probably neurodiverse himself, venting.

If the OP genuinely believes he's a risk then I'm sure she'd be taking the necessary action.

If I was judged on every time I'd made a flippant comment in anger I'd have been lifed off years ago.

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If you said to your partner 'im done with this kid, I've had enough and am leaving, I don't love her, I've fantasized about throwing her off a bridge's as ops oh has, that's not hyperbole. That's statinh intent

GoldPoster · 05/10/2025 23:21

Thelifeofashowgirlx · 05/10/2025 22:42

I've name changed for this for obvious reasons.

When you say challenging can you elaborate on the behaviours? Because my eldest (almost 8) has a dual diagnosis of autism and ADHD and his behaviour makes all of our lives a misery sometimes, and that includes our neighbours.

Shouting for hours, screaming, throwing things, smashing things up, attacking us, constant threats to do XY&Z. His demands are off the charts, if he doesn't get something he wants he will raise hell for hours until he burns himself out. Nobody sleeps. He has broken 5 televisions, 11 tablets, countless items of crockery and toys - both his and his siblings. My daughter is scared out of her wits when he comes home.

Contrary to what people would assume when hearing about the behaviour, we are good parents and our other two DC are a testament to that.

Sadly we are left with no other option but to medicate him after years of trying (and failing) to help him in every other way possible. He's in a special needs school with a permanent 1-1 and he's exactly the same there. Its an award winning SEN provision and they struggle with him too. He is quite possibly the most challenging child I have ever known.

All of this to say, I myself have said similar things to the DH in this situation IE giving up on DS completely, out of earshot of the DC but I say it all the same.

I do love him but I don't like him much of the time. How can you find a child endearing when they spend all of their time telling you they hate you and destroying your home? We are all walking on eggshells every day.

The DH likely needs therapy. I know I do.

I wish you the best of luck going forward, you sound like a good mother.

This sounds heartbreaking. But how can you love him?

Barnbrack · 05/10/2025 23:23

GoldPoster · 05/10/2025 23:21

This sounds heartbreaking. But how can you love him?

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Are you asking someone how they can love their challenging child? 😳

Lucy2586 · 05/10/2025 23:23

daddywoe · 05/10/2025 21:28

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

Leave him asap he is unhinged. My DD hit puberty and then ASD became apparent. I am not with her dad but I only allow 2 hours a week now. I see him as a pathetic creature he was saying nasty to things to my daughter I wouldn’t even allow the 2 hours but she wants it. Ive bore the brunt of it for 2 years and it’s been hard but would I fuck give up on her. Bastard no sympathy here for him.

Nothankyou2025 · 05/10/2025 23:24

Readyforslippers · 05/10/2025 21:33

3Im sure it is tough to hear that from a child, however he is the adult and needs to remember that.

That's not helpful, as he won't alter his feelings based on what he should be doing. OP has to work with what she has, not what she should have.