My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

Your daughter is not safe from him. To my mind, he needs to leave.

You sound as bad as him love! What kind of response is this?!

Well women choose not to leave nobody is making them stay more than the bloke.

This is the real issue. Everyone saying how he seems on the verge of a breakdown and his MH must be at breaking point I feel are missing the very serious point. He isn’t threatening to leave, he isn’t threatening to harm himself or end his own life. He is fantasising about murdering his own child.

The number one priority needs to be safeguarding her.

It's reality. "How can he hate someone feral, aggressive and loveless who is ruining his life!"

How indeed.

I think a man or woman privately confessing these thoughts to a therapist, or even posting them on somewhere like Mumsnet is a different thing. Sometimes you need to get those thoughts out.. Directly telling his daughter he doesn't love her, and then talking his wife he wants to throw her of a bridge is completely different..it's not like it makes him capable of murder. But he clearly can't control himself and is thinking some very dark thoughts. I wouldn't 100% trust him to adequately cope with the daughter in a way that wasn't harmful (emotionally or physically).Let's put it that way...

@MissDoubleU I agree that their DD needs to be protected above everything.
When someone is that unwell, they can be dangerous.

I've name changed for this for obvious reasons.

When you say challenging can you elaborate on the behaviours? Because my eldest (almost 8) has a dual diagnosis of autism and ADHD and his behaviour makes all of our lives a misery sometimes, and that includes our neighbours.

Shouting for hours, screaming, throwing things, smashing things up, attacking us, constant threats to do XY&Z. His demands are off the charts, if he doesn't get something he wants he will raise hell for hours until he burns himself out. Nobody sleeps. He has broken 5 televisions, 11 tablets, countless items of crockery and toys - both his and his siblings. My daughter is scared out of her wits when he comes home.

Contrary to what people would assume when hearing about the behaviour, we are good parents and our other two DC are a testament to that.

Sadly we are left with no other option but to medicate him after years of trying (and failing) to help him in every other way possible. He's in a special needs school with a permanent 1-1 and he's exactly the same there. Its an award winning SEN provision and they struggle with him too. He is quite possibly the most challenging child I have ever known.

All of this to say, I myself have said similar things to the DH in this situation IE giving up on DS completely, out of earshot of the DC but I say it all the same.

I do love him but I don't like him much of the time. How can you find a child endearing when they spend all of their time telling you they hate you and destroying your home? We are all walking on eggshells every day.

The DH likely needs therapy. I know I do.

I wish you the best of luck going forward, you sound like a good mother.

It doesn't sound palatable but I think you need to talk to the safeguarding lead at the school and tell them what you've said here, involve your children's social care team, and call the NSPCC for advice.

You're going to need a lot of professional support to safeguard her against him.

It rather sounds like she is the danger. I would not like to be living as a single mother with her and two other kids when she reaches her teens.

Our daugher was the same … her relationship with DH was woeful at times. I also had times when I struggled, it’s hard when your child tells you that they hate you, when they hit you, scream in your face, smash the house up etc. it was awful. DH struggled a lot more than me, and thier relationship completly broke down.

However, she’s 19 now, got diagnosed with ASD at 17 (we had been with CAMHS since she was 14). She is on Sertraline which helps, has been in therapy for a few years, DH did a mindfulness parenting course, and relearned how to parent a ND child.

It’s really hard to navigate, and lots of parents with disabilities have times where they feel like giving up, doesn’t make them bad, just makes them human.

It depends. These might be intrusive thoughts which might be a symptoms if a breakdown. (One of many bybthe sounds of it). He needs medical help. Phone the GP and if you can, find a private therapist.

This is why the social care team need to be involved. She will be entitled to a children's assessment and also OP will be entitled to a carers assessment.

By the time she is a teen things may change, but I can say with absolute certainty that things will only get worse if the OP stays.

I sincerely hope you’re not a mother - and if you are, that you don’t encounter challenges along the way cuz it sounds like you’re defo not cut out for it

What an awful thing to state and not particularly helpful to the OP.

Because the reality is his daughter is living in abject terror. Her meltdowns are a survival response to extreme fear. Shes not "feral" or loveless for fucks sake.
I'd suggest its highly likely she has PDA not ODD. And if so needs a completely different parenting (and teaching) approach.
No one with a PDA children will tell you its easy, but the parents have a responsibility to try and understand their child's needs not simply fight against them. Once that happens the child is able to respond with love not fear.
@daddywoe you need to get social care involved. Your dd is at risk. She's at best emotionally neglected, likely being emotionally abused by her father's behaviour and potentially physically at risk from him losing control. Get support from school and look at PDA.
Longer term she's at high risk from not having her needs fully identified and will be experiencing trauma from her extreme anxiety.
This is urgent OP. Your daughter needs safeguarding.

Exactly. Can't blame him.

Awful situation for you OP

How old is your daughter?

“The bridge comment doesn’t concern me, in fact. I’ve thought worse stuff and never done it.”
That is really not ok.

The child is 7 years old, lots of people in prison also have very dysfunctional childhoods and don't receive love as their parents aren't able to love properly.

7!!

It says in the title.

A 7 year old child with a disability having meltdown is very very different to adults commiting crimes. My sister has no diagnosis but was soo like my son as a child, meltdowns, sensory issues, social struggles, concentration difficulties. She's 40 now and a mental health professional. You wouldn't believe this woman was the feral child and yet she absolutely was. Because growing up, all the change, the lack of autonomy etc is so hard for neurodivergent children. That is so different to an adult committing a crime that the fact you can't see a difference is concerning

You need to leave this man.