My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

He's not a good dad. To her he is not a good dad.

And I say that as someone with a similar 7 year old. My son is the same kind of challenging (although not swearing because he doesn't hear swear words, where is your child at 7 getting the swear words) he has always been challenging, he doesn't sleep, he has a long medical history and since birth a very strong mummy preference.

Does my husband get frustrated? Yes he does. He gets upset too and sometimes will get a bit shouty in a 'you are going to have to stop that right now' way but not in a 'you are bad' way which I think is the difference.

Your husband can't manage an hour a day? He's not a good dad. You can't safely leave them together can you? So he's not a good dad to her and consequently not a good partner to you.

There was a whole I couldn't safely my son but that was because he needed 1-1 and we have another child who is younger so there was a time that either of us having both alone was horrificly difficult because we worried our son would do something impulsive and get hurt or hurt the baby (who he adored and still adores)

When we have a hard day we don't think 'hes horrific, he needs to improve' we think 'were not managing this in a way that's keeping everyone safe' and looking at ways to control what we can, which is our reactions and systems. Your child is being let down.

Neither can I. Poor kid.

I work long hours. My husband works long hours. Our son is at least as challenging. Good parents step up.

I think this is really unfair. If this man normally doesn't have any abusive traits then he's actually just broken under the weight of what you're all carrying. I don't think jumping to divorce is necessarily the solution, many families carrying for children with sen hit crisis due to lack of support and then things do gradually change.

It may be though op that he needs to step back at least temporarily to give him the head space to think about what needs to change. And then he needs to actively work on that before deciding he's just throwing the towel in and giving up completely. He still has responsibilities to his kids and to you.

If, however, he has previous form for controlling/narcissistic or other abusive behaviours then you need to look at all of this through that lens and my answers would be very different.

People with no previous abusive traits can snap and become violent, even murdering their own children. He has told her he is fantasising about doing just that. He has already started snapping back verbally and letting this child know he hates her. He needs to at very least leave the home until he is absolutely not a threat to this vulnerable child any more.

Like it or not - right now he is a threat. He is literally warning OP that he is a threat to his daughter.

I think you need to seek professional support asap. Your dc is vulnerable and you need to protect and advocate for her.
He’s clearly at rock bottom and is threatening to hurt or kill her.
With child tragedies it’s always why didn’t someone say or do something.

What support network have you got OP? Do you have family and friends that live locally? Can you access extra support amd/or respite care at all? 🤔
It sounds like he is at breaking point and you all need support. 😔

Edited to say, I hope you're okay xx

Do you mind me asking if these meltdowns occur just at home or at school/ outside the home too?

This - the same here.
Biology doesn't overcome everything / all horrible behaviour.

Good parents can still only cope with so much, and people's breaking points are different.

I don't think there is no way back from this, but the husband needs to accept help.

I disagree, he's an adult, as the adult he has a responsibility, him, not op, him as an adult! Has a responsibility to find a way to manage his responses, to step up and find a way through how he is reacting. Is it hard? Yes it is hard.

We have found systems where we need to have 3+ hours a day of exercise and activity which is also low demand so sports don't work, trampolining does, softplays do, bouncy castles do, sensory spaces do and my son's entire child disability payment goes on crash mats and weighted blankets and entry to trampolining, softplay, inflatables, ASN sessions at play places, arts equipment, crafts equipment, special interest equipment. We can't leave him with anyone else other than his granny for an hour here and there. We divide and conquer with the kids quite a bit. We need complicated systems to be able to clean the house and grocery shop. We've both battled anxiety and our own neurodivergent traits, because ADHD and autism don't come out of nowhere they're genetic. We've made mistakes etc but dehumanizing and abusive language like ops husband comes from a deeper place and yes he may need help but he needs away from the child for her sake more.

There should be now way he stays in the house until op has reassurance her child is safe.

You can't ignore the fact that your husband has told you he has fantasies about hurting your daughter.

Tell him to move out for now and that he needs to sort his head and feelings out.

If not make it clear your marriage is over.

Your daughter has very likely picked up on the fact that her father does not like her and that is likely to make her act up even more.

She has the right to grow up in a safe environment where she is not ''hated'' by one of her parent and that should be your priority.

Not feeling love for a child, hard to accept but I get it. To me, love isn't always how you feel, love is what you do. It's in every action you take for someone else, even if you don't feel the same for them as you do others of equal standing.

Fantasising murdering your child though, that's not something you should take lightly. He is 1 step away from hurting or killing her.

I am a person who can hold a grudge, who can hate and does hate many people, but wishing someone dead, by his own hands no less is not just fantasising, it's planning.

Usually after school, the shaken coke bottle affect after masking all day but the school are really good and she had Sen support

Absolutely-fucking-lutely.

And I’m sorry, but yes every parent has their breaking point but you put your big boy boots on and love that child anyway. Even if you feel like you do hate them, that is a vulnerable child. Your vulnerable child. You not only choose to love them but you choose not to be abusive towards them. You can choose not to tell them you hate them. Because tell you what, that vulnerable child will never forget it and likely never forgive it.

This isn’t me being harsh, it’s the reality with these neurotypes to fixate on these things and it will be very hard to begin to convince her again that her father is a safe and loving person.

Agree. It’s absolutely terrifying and OP needs to step up to protect this incredibly vulnerable child.

Do you mind me asking if your child is in a mainstream school or specialist provision? (I have 2 SEN children myself, this is not a goady question)

Jesus Christ

He doesn't get to say he's done.

No fucking way.

We as women pour and pour and pour even though our cup is dry and men get to declare themselves "done"

You need to have serious words.

Of course it's possible and sometimes totally understandable not to love your own child - some people are not loveable let's not pretend otherwise. If I were him I'd have left by now and not looked back. He probably loves the rest of you, though, and it will be awful for him. Honestly I'd want to send her elsewhere (back in the day she'd have gone into residential care) but obviously not an option now.

Thanks for sharing - your daughter sounds similar to my son (also ASD diagnosed) who has just started school and is really struggling to control his emotions.

Sorry to hear about your predicament - it’s a hard enough journey without feeling you’ve been abandoned when times get really tough! Hope you’ve got some friends or family nearby who are able to offer some support

It sounds as if he’s on the verge of a breakdown. What he said was so appalling that he’s clearly mentally unwell/on the verge of becoming unwell.

I agree with @Barnbrack that he needs to take responsibility for his own mental health.

It’s great that the school is so supportive. Do you have any support outside school? Has your child been offered any therapy and/or possibly medication (I know she’s young, but it can be life-changing from what I’ve been told).

If he told you he was fantasising about hurting himself or killing himself, throwing himself off a bridge or jumping under a car or whatever poison of choice he would choose you would understandably seek immediate help to safeguard him from himself because a. He's told you how he feels and he can't help it and b. He has verbally expressed a plan to do it. Those are 2 of the things they look for when they're doing a mental health risk assessment.

Except he's externalising that to your poor daughter. He wants to hurt or kill her. This is so much more serious than you think it is OP.

But I'm really glad that you've been honest with us. It can be really hard saying these words outloud even on an anonymous forum.

You need to keep that strength and wake up first thing in the morning and put a plan in place with immediate effect.

Unfortunately though, they do… because society is set up to ensure women are punished!