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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

189 replies

lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:05

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

OP posts:
toadstool32 · 05/10/2025 15:06

My eldest daughter is only in y11 but I’m sure I’ll be the same - as excited as I know I’ll be for her too.

NoItsStillNighttimeDarling · 05/10/2025 15:06

You are not being unreasonable. Mine are 4 and nearly 2 and I already dread this moment. Sending hugs x

thisishowloween · 05/10/2025 15:07

I’m sorry you’re so sad.

But unfortunately this is why you shouldn’t put everything into your children.

blizymitzy · 05/10/2025 15:09

It’s tough but be proud of the confident,successful person you have raised and take time to think about what you want your life to look like going forwards.
new hobbies,seeing friends and family and having time for yourself is a gift .
You will calm down and get used to it but don’t let your younger dc feel pressured to stay as you are not showing them how good it is that their sibling has done so well.
its such a strange time when the first goes but you need to build a life that is full of what you want for the future and be proud of where you have all come.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 05/10/2025 15:09

i'm dreading this too but i have made active steps to find me again. I started playing in a band and getting my own interests again. It won't be long until your ga and you'll still be needed.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 05/10/2025 15:10

It's unbelievably hard. You are not alone at all.
There will be people who come on and poo poo it as if you can't be happy for them at the same time as feeling bad for yourself but it's all true.

People said to me " you get your life back" but that's not possible because I am not in my 20s anymore and having children changed me. What you have to do is build an entirely new and different life. And you will do this but it takes time and there will always be a bit of you that misses their childhood.

Be really kind to yourself and give yourself time.

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 05/10/2025 15:10

Well I get how it feels right now but we wouldn't want them at home with us forever either. You do your best for them and then they go.

Life goes on, kids grow up and that's just how it is. They're starting an exciting new chapter and you just have to be there in case they need your help.you'll be fine Op x

topcat2014 · 05/10/2025 15:10

DD has been away for two weeks so far, and we are going to see her in another 2. We do miss her - but have been in touch via whatsapp. I am not "sad" as such, as I am so proud of what she is doing - but I am a bit wistful. It occurred to me recently that we talk about our children "growing up" without taking on board that while they do that we "grow old".

With only 1 DC, we are in full empty nest mode now. No PE kit or food tech worries on a sunday night though, and we don't have to buy as much cereal :)

SpiritAdder · 05/10/2025 15:10

They will still need your guidance as young adults. It isn’t over, it is a new phase of life. It’s hard, and ok to have a cry because it is like crying when your baby had their first day of school in kindergarten.

Empty nest means more time for you to pick up any hobbies you had sacrificed to raise your children. It is an opportunity for you to have time for yourself doing things you enjoy.

Enigma54 · 05/10/2025 15:11

YANBU. When we dropped DD off 2 year ago, I cried all the way home. Couldn’t go in her room for a week, without crying. It DOES get better. Allow yourself to feel what you feel 😊

Enigma54 · 05/10/2025 15:14

OP, I forgot to say, the sadness soon turns to feeling proud. And as @SpiritAddersaid, DS still need you, but in different ways.

TheaBrandt1 · 05/10/2025 15:15

This is why I fear for those women that make having children their whole life and personality. It’s a temporary life stage like your own childhood or being at university. It ends. Honestly I want to warn young parents of this.

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:15

How far away is he?

madameimadam · 05/10/2025 15:16

Yes, it is painful but it’s also wonderful. How fantastic that you’ve given your DS the support and love he needs to get to uni!

My DD has been at uni for nearly two weeks now. She’s popped back this weekend as she had an appointment so decided to stay over. It’s been really lovely - she’s bubbling with news and I can’t remember her being this happy and excited. Know it sounds silly, but she seems a little bit more grown-up.

I’ll miss her terribly when she heads back later today but it’s a relief knowing how happy she is.
I also have a younger one and when she goes too, that’ll be tough.

Change can be hard but look at it as an exciting new chapter in your DS’s life. And maybe an opportunity for you to think about what you want from the next few years too?

Big hug tho. Chin up.

Peoplepleaserincrisis · 05/10/2025 15:16

My children are still in primary/secondary but I often feel very sad and nostalgic for when they spread their wings and leave home as I will obviously miss them terribly. They have been biggest focus in your life.

I have to say, as much as it makes me feel sad and I think your feelings are understandable, my own mother was VERY dramatic and intense about me doing the same and it did drive a bit of a wedge between us for a time.

I was constantly made to feel guilty for moving on in my life and I found it very draining every time we interacted. I'm not at all saying that is what you are doing but would say be mindful of how you deal with these emotions when interacting with your son. Try and feel proud for the way you have raised him to be confident and ambitious! Maybe look at ways you can build a life away from just raising your children- look at potential new hobbies you can start. It's a new chapter but it definitely doesn't have to be a "decline".

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:16

Is his younger sibling aware of you constantly crying?

TheatricalLife · 05/10/2025 15:17

There was a massive thread on here the other day about exactly the same thing, so you are definitely not alone and its definitely talked about!

gamerchick · 05/10/2025 15:17

Empty nest syndrome is a thing. I personally didn't suffer from it, but then my youngest is too disabled to leave home.

Maybe this is a nudge to start getting a life outside of your kids for the future. It can't do any harm.

Anothercoffeeafter3 · 05/10/2025 15:17

He will be home soon and life changes. I have a great relationship with my parents and see them 2/3 time a week…….we get on much better having seperate houses 🤣

Snakemum2 · 05/10/2025 15:18

I am dreading this! My only DD is 16 and she has aspirations to travel to a totally different place for uni far away.

On the one hand I’m excited for her and so proud of her, on the other I had her at 19 and she has been my whole adult life. I raised her alone until 3 years ago when I met my partner but even still she is such a huge huge part of my life. Even having partner who is great would never fill the gap she will leave when she moves away

ButterPiesAreGreat · 05/10/2025 15:21

The holidays may be longer than you think! DD was home for 5 weeks and 2 days over Christmas then 3 weeks at Easter, then came home mid-June. And she has a reading week in November that she comes home for. It felt like forever last year tho she went earlier.

Definitely consider this an opportunity to explore new hobbies or opportunities for outside interests. It’s not a steady decline if you don’t want it to be.

Orders76 · 05/10/2025 15:21

It's incredibly hard to move into this phase.
Someone once said something beautiful to me and I find it helps when I think about this, 'they were never yours to begin, you just get to guide them and hold their hearts a while before they flutter away'.
Think of the wonderful amazing life and opportunities you've given them x

Hadenough2022 · 05/10/2025 15:21

It is very early days and it’s a big change. I felt sad for the end of their childhood but gradually I have got used to it. Term will fly by and it will be the holidays before you know it.
There are some positives such as a nice quiet house with less washing etc.
Just keep yourself busy and plan stuff to look forward to. You will adjust in time to this new stage.

Elsvieta · 05/10/2025 15:22

You need a new thing. Time to start working out what it is. The possibilities are infinite. It may be a while until you see it, but this is hugely exciting. Good luck.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:25

Thank you all for the kind words.

This is why I fear for those women that make having children their whole life and personality. It’s a temporary life stage like your own childhood or being at university. It ends. Honestly I want to warn young parents of this.

I do understand what you mean @TheaBrandt1 , and I agree to an extent of course, but it's not really applicable to me. Ex left when youngest was 2. I had a very demanding career, which I still have and have progressed in. Other than that, I'm an introvert with a few friends and no real hobbies as such - I love reading, travel, films etc and have enjoyed those with the dc. I wasn't 'making the children my whole life,' so much as devoting the time I had left after work to them, which I had to do or they would have been neglected, and often it didn't feel enough, never mind too much.

Neither are aware of me constantly crying, no. They know I'm upset but also happy, proud and excited for him.

I know there are a couple of threads like this every year and it is spoken of, but I feel like it's not widely spoken of in the way other parenting challenges are. Before I had kids I had absorbed the idea that changing nappies and sleepless nights were the hardest part of parenting, and they're really not.

OP posts: