Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

[lurchersforever]

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

I hear you and I'm sorry you're hurting. It'll get better, I promise. I'm a single mother too, so I understand. Your eyes will be opened to loads of good things though once you've dried your eyes and got on with your life. I have so much time for my friends and to do things I enjoy or go away at the drop of a hat. My house is so clean! I can organise my days better too, since I don't have to work around the demands of family life.

He'll be back in the holidays and you can do lots with him then.

It's a big transition, and an enforced change and that's tough. I don't want to compare it to grief but it's something is happening to you that you haven't chosen - and the process you go through to accept it. Your life as you knew it is changing and even though it's the right thing to do and you're happy for you child you have your own reactions to it. I can say that it does get easier, but I found it really hard as it's saying goodbye to being younger, you're turning into your parents and starting a new life without your children in it - and around, and it's not that I don't have a life but I really miss their company, their hugs and hearing their news - for me it's the start of the next phase of my life and I wasn't ready for it - but you never are ready for big changes they happen to you. If you follow postcards from midlife on Facebook/ instagram there is a lot of information about the transition - and it is a huge adjustment be kind to you as you do adjust to your new life, take the time you need and believe it does get easier and there are some good things that come as a surprise - eventually xx

Yup. Some people are just vile and get off on kicking others when they're down.

This - DD2 come on hoilday with us this last summer and she's been back - it's not the same it's evolved and is better in many ways.

I realised was feeling sad so got busy - decorating house and starting a new course and hobby and making sure we did more at weekends with siblings left here and trie t o be better prepared for next one not that long after.

YANBU. It hurts! My ds dropped out of uni in the first week and that hurt more. I had a mini mh crisis then.

He started again this year and I didn't drop him off. In fact I wasn't even home I was on holiday with his brother. I didn't cry this time and I hate to say it but it gets easier. It honestly will.

This is success. The alternative isn't nice either ( dropping out).he might move back after uni and wind you up then. Be kind to yourself. You did an amazing job. Blink and their childhood just goez

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. My mum was the same and I’ve been dreading the day DD leaves since she was born.

It’s not the point at all but he may come back after uni. Cost of living as it is, he may come back and live with you forever. 🤣

it’s important to handle this well. My mum was always trying to steal time with me (once damaging her car so I had to wait with her for the recovery) and if I went up to see her she’d almost keep me there as long as possible and some of the things she said were incredibly off putting. Our relationship has never recovered and although I talk on the phone pretty much every day, I can’t be around her that much because it’s never enough and I live quite far. I’m not saying you wouldn’t but I’d hate for there to be a risk if I didn’t.

additionally, a lot of her friends with similar age kids are still living with them or they have to babysit the grandkids all the time because they still go out all the time, can’t afford childcare or mostly just can’t be arsed etc and I know my mum wishes we were like that but I have to tell her that’s not a good thing for the little ones so shows she did a good job with me and I don’t see her as free childcare. But hopefully you have a good few years for that one.

it will get easier and become the new norm but that doesn’t help you now. I’m sorry for the pain.

What a beautiful way to put things 🥹 thank yoi

I am so so sad too. Feel free to message for moral support. I have been poorly too so not been able to go and carve out time for me either. I’m so so proud but cried earlier at a photo of him having fun.

Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

It's mentioned all the time. Threads on MN, posts in the WIWIKAU Facebook group, on Jeremy Vine, on Firefox Pocket, in other forms of media.

I want to add another perspective. As older parents with no family nearby we were desperate for DD to become independent and as self sufficient as possible as we won't be around for ever.

I admit to feeling a little flat after DD went away, but she had already had a gap year and spent some of it visiting friends and her BF at university and Interrailing with her BF, and we were getting used to her not being at home as much, and our lives weren't as enmeshed as other posters seem to be.

By the time she went she was more than ready to go and was quite capable of looking after herself. She had a few wobbles, especially after the BF had dumped her. I used to dread the late night messages asking if she could ring me, and hearing her crying on the phone was heart wrenching, but when I knew she had settled, made friends and was doing well then everything was OK again.

So, what I am trying to say is when your child is happy you will be happy, and please be happy for them. Don't guilt trip them into making contact all the time, but if you haven't heard from them in a while just send a photo of your pet or something similar (I used to send a picture of next door's cat as we don't have any pets)

I was a single parent. I was worried about my children settling in, coping with their course and making friends, but once I knew they were OK, I quite enjoyed having the house to myself.

University terms are pretty short so they are only away for 30 weeks in total. They have a month off for Christmas and Easter and about three months off during the summer. The autumn term will fly by and he will soon be back for Christmas.

I must be an unemotional being I suspect as I have had two off to uni and although I shed a tear the day I left them hundreds of miles away, I was fine the day after though very much looked forward to them returning for Christmas and Easter.

I also felt desperately sad when my DD left home for uni. I had a busy career and DH and I did lots of things together but when she left home there was definitely a feeling of being bereft. I kept thinking that I'd never be saying goodnight to her as I always did. Those cosy chats at her bedroom door before she went to bed or making pancakes in the morning. It sounds a bit ridiculous when you write it down but these were big feelings and are quite hard to articulate to be honest. Like the OP I loved being a Mum and my favourite years of my life were when I had both my DCs at home, just doing regular things, weekends bike riding and summer holidays - just having them close I think?
It took some adjusting but the dark feelings didn't last especially when we saw her loving her new life.

I never thought about this as being a thing, but I have a friend who has had the same as you this month, very upset and emotional, so you're not alone feeling this way.

I think it's very unfair on the children to put so much expectation and devote your entire life to them - it's so much healthier to show them the example of a busy and independent life. It doesn't really matter if you are single or in a couple, not when they are older and don't need you to babysit them at all time. Teenagers don't require a full time SAHM with no life and no hobby.

It's natural to be sad and shocked at the end of an era. It's "rarely mentioned" about not coping because.. it's rare that parents don't cope!

We hear and laugh about MIL from hell who can't let their precious child go, but that's the first step. Better be honest about how unreasonable and excessive it is, and improve.

Not long from now, you will be desperate for your peace and quiet if your kids come with their partners and family to stay on holiday for a month 😂

Nobody stays young forever not even us.
At least the children are still there, still alive what about those poor parents who have lost their children.
Gone forever, cant pick up the phone and speak to them.
They are the ones to feel sorry for.

Bless you. Give yourself grace. This is a huge adjustment and you’re not going to just be fine overnight. It will take time. I’m a firm believer that we reap what we sow, and it seems like you’ve been a wonderful mum, that will pay off and he will come back to you - not in the same way as before, but there’s a new season ahead and he can still be very much in it ❤️

For what it’s worth op, my mother didn’t even turn up when I left for university. And I never went home again. We don’t have much of a relationship now.
The fact that you are bothered speaks volumes. He is young, he doesn’t really know much yet. In time, he will get it. I’m old now, but I still wish I’d had a mother who actually cared. He will appreciate you, in time x

I’m having drinks this week with a few mums (maybe the odd dad too) whose kids have gone to uni. We met when they were at primary school and it’s so lovely to see them all grown up and hear how they are getting on.

I've got a way to go on this (kids are little), but I can't imagine I'll feel the same. I'm an introvert who loves her own company and I can think of nothing better than puttering about all on my own with nobody to pester me! However, my mother is one of those people who's children are their whole world, and trust me, the children know. It makes me feel guilty for wanting to live my own life and not being there to keep her happy all the time, and it definitely creates a wedge. So please start right now and find your own joy in your own life.

You can't imagine it because it hasn't happened to you yet so perhaps better not to make declarations about how you THINK you'll feel when you really have no idea.

DD1 has gone into the second year of her degree.

Last year I was very overdramatic dropping her off. A few days before I had burst into tears in M&S looking at jumpers because it hit me we wouldn't have many impromptu shopping trips together. I cried the whole drive back from Cornwall to London, sobbing hysterically as I passed the Devon county sign leaving Cornwall.
I also cried as I moved her houseplants she left out of her room round the house so they wouldn't die without her there to water them, and as I relocated her fishtank to the kitchen. I even found myself smelling her dressing gown that she left in the bathroom.

It gets easier. It's a new adventure. We're still really close and speak daily, even if it's just sending a stupid photo on Whatsapp. This year on move in day as I passed the Devon sign I was silently swearing at her as she was already texting me a list of forgotten items to post up.

I do agree with this. Dd is my only one and went to uni 2 weeks ago, though she’d been abroad for three months before (apart from one week in Sept) so I do feel I’m three months in. Yes the house feels empty but keeping busy helps.

you still have one Dd at home so obviously you don’t want to be out all the time but I think you need to start exploring hobbies, clubs, and making friends, etc so if she goes to uni in two years that a properly empty house won’t hit you like a truck.

Sorry, but I agree with @LittleMyLabyrinth
DD went to university as an undergraduate in 2019, then stayed in her university city to work after graduating. She is now at another university for post grad, and I am so happy for her that she is following her dream.

I can see why it would be very upsetting but there is much more to come. They’ll be distant for a few years and then they’ll loop back again - and then there’s graduations and first homes and weddings and grandkids (usually) to come.

It's scary and sad cause its a new chapter of parenthood you're entering. Similar to when your baby starts preschool, your 11 year old goes to secondary or your child enters their teens. It's all a little bit wobbly for us inside as parents but you'll be okay OP. You'll find new things to do with your time and you may find that in a few months you'll have adjusted and maybe even be enjoying it!
Try some new hobbies, spend more time with your friends, maybe even treat yourself to a trip or something you've been wanting to celebrate a new chapter for both of you.
You're still his mum and you've done so well he's able to be independent and off at university, that's great!