Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

[lurchersforever]

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

I can sympathize. DS year 12, single parent. Future feels like staring into the abyss. But I had a thought the other day. Imagine if your DS wanted to stay at home indefinitely, no enthusiasm to go anywhere or build a life. Ultimately that would be harder. I really hope it gets easier for you. Not even going to do the usual ‘join a club, keep busy’ because you will have heard this!!

I was in your position 3 years ago OP and remember it well. I thought I'd be OK but walking into DD1's room to get her laundry floored me. I was just getting better a week later when I had a dream that she had come home 😭 and that put me back to square 1. Honestly though, it does get easier. My dd1 is over 100 miles away so only see her every few months but it makes it all the more special. And when she comes home it's a bit of an adjustment as she has little things about us, like leaving the landing light on at night, that get on her nerves so we have to remember to turn it off, oh and having the TV down low so she can't hear it 🤣. And food lasts longer! I do wish my dd1 hadn't moved so far away but she's in a city she loves & has loads of friends & hobbies so I'm very proud of her

It really is NOT like a bereavement. Speaking as a mother whose ds died a year ago tomorrow...you have no idea.

I agree as a fellow single parent. There's only so much one person can do as well as working and being in all likelihood the children's only proper parent.

Your hobbies and interests get drowned out by the necessity of working, single parenting and running a home.

People who are happily married have a ready made companion to alleviate the pain of the empty nest in a way that single parents just don't.

My hobbies pre children were studying for my A levels, clubbing, drinking and pulling fit men. I've changed 🤣

YABU

It probably isn't commonly discussed as it isn't a common feeling.
Most of us are excited to see our dc enjoying the next natural step in life.
Yes, we might miss them, but do not have 'a pain'.

Other than that, I'm an introvert with a few friends and no real hobbies as such - I love reading, travel, films etc

So you have built a life that revolves around solo activities (which you can still do) and your dc. Where are your friends in this? Where are people you can have a good old moan to over a coffee or a glass of wine or a walk in the fresh air ?

Of course it's not like a bereavement. What utter, stupid, insulting bollocks.

I think it's probably not talked about that much because it probably isn't particularly normal to be so upset. I think most parents probably wave their children off and wish them luck and be glad for them - I didn't shed a single tear. Either that, or I'm just horrible!

I'm so very sorry for your profound loss 💐

It's like a bereavement.

It really isn't.
That is a horrible thing to say.

You should be ashamed of yourself and give a little thought to those who have been bereaved.

Well said

Mel Robbins does a great video on this, have a watch x

you’re not unreasonable to feel this way (so long as DC don’t know) you’ll find your way.

This is so incredibly offensive to bereaved parents.

Mumsnet threads are only good for two pages these days, if you’re lucky.

All of this. When I think of me going off to uni in the 80s pre-mobile phones, when nobody in my family had ever gone to uni before, I realise how scary it must have been for my parents (especially as a very high profile murder happened a few miles away from us a month into my first term). And I drove myself as we were allowed to have cars on campus! I spoke to my mum once a week via a pay phone in halls. Now, I can message DD any time I like. I usually send her pictures of the cat, and we chat about all kinds. Usually FaceTime weekly. When she’s home, she spends a lot of time in her room, goes out with friends and often stays over. There was once over the summer when she didn’t come home for 3 days, although she always told me where she was. We did a few things over summer together but not a great deal. I think it’s hardest when they are not well and you can’t look after them.

It's hard. Yes, it really is. And the grief and loss you're feeling now will make it impossible for you to see how good its going to be. So.....you'll just have to trust me. It'll be bloody marvellous. 🥰❤️

I agree, people get a kicking for most things these days. 'I feel sad and miss my son' is met with 'yes because you're a useless fucking article'.

Give yourself some time. I was very sad and tearful for the first few days (never in front of DD, or telling her, I want her to go and do what she wants!) but three weeks later and I'm learning a new language, spending more time on my hobbies, the house is tidy, and I'm welcoming this next phase for both of us. The cat, however, is finding it much more difficult and keeps looking for DD and sleeping on her bed.

When my eldest went I rather embarrassingly cried at work about it & felt quietly sad for the first couple of weeks.
My youngest left for University with her dad this morning and I hugged her, said I loved her etc and didn't shed a tear. I feel a poignancy about her going but feel nowhere near as sad as I did when my eldest went.

I know this time round that I will get used to it & she will have a great time (I hope) & she will soon be home for the holidays.

You get used to it even if it feels so strange at first. Hearing they are happy & thriving makes it easier too.
Hugs to you OP because I know how it feels but, trust me, you will be fine soon xx

It probably isn't commonly discussed as it isn't a common feeling.

It is commonly discussed usually refered to as empty nest.

It's common but it does pass and it's not as straight forward as wanting to hang to to them - it's complex mix of missing kids you love being round being pleased they are moving on with their lives.

It really hit my IL when DH finished education - PhD and first proper job and properly moved out they'd always worked full time and had really active social lives rarely being in most of his teen years - I think everyone was taken back how badly it hit them.

It hard, but its now time to build your own life again. Try a new job, a new hobby, go on term time solo holidays, find out who you are now.

Finding it an odd mix of melancholic and exciting for her and us. There’s so much I want to do. Feel I’ve come full circle and have more in common with my pre kids 25 year old self than my 34-45 year old years deep in mummy mode. It’s liberating.

Appreciate it must be harder for single parents.

Not one single person has called OP useless.

What’s the other option? Depressed young adult who wants to live at home with you forever? No thanks.

I do wonder if there is a link between feeling this way and being a single parent. I understand everyone is different but I do find it hard to imagine not feeling the teensiest bit upset/tearful at this. It really is the end of an era and, while it's a good thing really it means that things will never be the same again, which is sad. As a single parent it is so intense and maybe some other people don't experience that. When people talk about 'getting their life back,' I just find it odd. You aren't going to ping back to how you were 18 years ago.

That said, I don't think it's right to liken it to a bereavement and I am so very sorry for your loss, @Mikart . That pain is unimaginable and I wouldn't dream of comparing my feelings to it.

I also have a friend whose child failed their A levels last year and has done very little since other than smoking weed and sitting in their room. I absolutely know my situation is really to be celebrated and I do celebrate it, while at the same time feeling overwhelming sadness for what has passed and will never be again, especially as, @Centuriesahead so kindly pointed out, I didn't always appreciate the good times when they were happening.

It’s common to be sad at the end of an era but I think op that you’re the extreme end of a scale. Most of us just wave them off, shed a little tear and then accept it’s the normal progression. Anything more profound than that is a bit unhinged tbh. And I say that as someone whose DH is a bit that end of the scale too. I want to tell him to get a grip and get a life.