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Original poster

Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

189 replies

lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:05

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 05/10/2025 15:25

This was us two years ago and all I can say is it does get easier as time goes on. In two to three weeks it will feel much more normal. We have just dropped our second one off and that has felt sad, happy, stressful and exciting all in one. There will be wobbles on both sides over the coming weeks but you will all get through it. Take time to experience the emotions but also do something fun with the younger one. Go and watch a film at the cinema or just on the sofa with some popcorn. Let him choose the film. It is an opportunity to bond with him. With the cost of living your son might be living back home for a few years after his degree.

OriginalUsername2 · 05/10/2025 15:28

Next year my DD / youngest goes, I know I’m going to feel it physically and painfully. She still cuddles me all the time - I’m going to miss that so much 😭

The only way out is through - feel the feelings so they can be processed. It’s the end of an amazing and tough era. They are so valid.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 05/10/2025 15:29

lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:25

Thank you all for the kind words.

This is why I fear for those women that make having children their whole life and personality. It’s a temporary life stage like your own childhood or being at university. It ends. Honestly I want to warn young parents of this.

I do understand what you mean @TheaBrandt1 , and I agree to an extent of course, but it's not really applicable to me. Ex left when youngest was 2. I had a very demanding career, which I still have and have progressed in. Other than that, I'm an introvert with a few friends and no real hobbies as such - I love reading, travel, films etc and have enjoyed those with the dc. I wasn't 'making the children my whole life,' so much as devoting the time I had left after work to them, which I had to do or they would have been neglected, and often it didn't feel enough, never mind too much.

Neither are aware of me constantly crying, no. They know I'm upset but also happy, proud and excited for him.

I know there are a couple of threads like this every year and it is spoken of, but I feel like it's not widely spoken of in the way other parenting challenges are. Before I had kids I had absorbed the idea that changing nappies and sleepless nights were the hardest part of parenting, and they're really not.

They're absolutely not.
Parenting adult children is so hard because you have no control whatsoever and just have to stand back, watch them make mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces.

tripleginandtonic · 05/10/2025 15:30

Children grow up. I'm pleased mine are independent and are leading their own lives. Crying is ott, they'll always be toyr children amd you'll have lovely memories of their childhood. Time to live your own life now

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:31

Neither are aware of me constantly crying, no.

how so? How old is your youngest?

ResusciAnnie · 05/10/2025 15:33

TheatricalLife · 05/10/2025 15:17

There was a massive thread on here the other day about exactly the same thing, so you are definitely not alone and its definitely talked about!

Exactly, I think it’s spoken about soooo much! I think the same when people say ‘why did no one tell me babies are so hard, no one is talking about this!’….. WHAT?!

OP it’s sad and a change and a massive shift in your life. You’ll fill your life with new exciting stuff in time I’m sure. This time next year you’ll be all adjusted and loving life.

Skybluepinky · 05/10/2025 15:33

Often these are the children that can’t wait to break away from their parents who have smothered them.
You need to make a life for yourself as it will never be the same again.
Find new hobbies, start a course etc

OriginalUsername2 · 05/10/2025 15:37

TheaBrandt1 · 05/10/2025 15:15

This is why I fear for those women that make having children their whole life and personality. It’s a temporary life stage like your own childhood or being at university. It ends. Honestly I want to warn young parents of this.

It’s a few weeks of sadness then adjusting to the new normal and starting your own new path with a mature mind. Nothing to warn against, really.

I’m going to be sad but I’m also excited for me.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:38

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:31

Neither are aware of me constantly crying, no.

how so? How old is your youngest?

Well, I'm not 'constantly' crying, for a start. I used that word in my reply to the PP who had used it, but in my OP I said I've cried 'so much', not 'constantly. I've cried in bed, in the car to/from work, in work to a close friend, when cooking tea, when getting dressed and hearing ds blasting out his music, which has driven me mad and will now be missed. He has music on so loud and uses pretty much every room in the house so that when I put an Alexa on I have to immediately shout at it to turn the volume down. Obviously that won't be happening now, which is a positive I suppose.

DC know I'm upset but not exactly how I feel and I really don't think I've guilt-tripped him or put a downer on it for either of them. DD is 15 and out with friends now - she certainly doesn't know how low I feel today.

OP posts:
jsku · 05/10/2025 15:40

Going through the same. Feels like I am mourning the childhood that ended. And also knowing that big chunks of it they (the kids) do not remember, and those memories only exist in my head.
Of course I know for them its exciting and they need to grow up and live their lives.
And of course I know I’ll adjust to the role of a ‘parent to an adult child’. But it’s tough.
I feel nostalgic and bit jealous seeing people with small kids.

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:40

I was on your other thread about having a go at your DS for not being sufficiently excited about Christmas. I will leave you be as there’s history

Boomer55 · 05/10/2025 15:40

My adult kids went to Uni, and I hide my sadness. My son met an American girl and emigrated there 15 years ago. Again, I hid my sadness.

We give our kids wings to fly - and we have to surpress our feelings. They need to live their dreams. 😊

hamstersarse · 05/10/2025 15:41

Empty nest is a very real thing. I had it 2 years ago, they both had flown the nest. Like you, I was very very happy for them to be off into the world, but there was a sense of redundancy. I had been a single parent, we were all incredibly close, I had a good career but pretty much my whole life had to be structured around them...and then boom, you are redundant.

Since then I have created a new life, I sold the family home of 20 years and moved onto a new career, something I feel suits me much more. I still miss them terribly but I also know I cannot be a needy parent - there is nothing worse when you are in your 20's trying to build your life as having a mum who is sad and weepy and needy - so I am not!

I read a book about motherhood which really helped me - it is about the journey that motherhood takes us on, how it shapes us, how it strengthens us, but ultimately the hardest part of all is that if you are a good mum, you have to let them go - which is the harshest of all the lessons. You don't get to keep them, and to do that would be an awfully selfish act.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:48

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:40

I was on your other thread about having a go at your DS for not being sufficiently excited about Christmas. I will leave you be as there’s history

Oh my god - what is it with people searching posting histories like this - isn't it against some kind of rule? Well done you. Yes, there's history. Like just about every other parent I have got some things right and some things wrong. I have used MN for advice many times, obviously focusing on the negatives, as there's no need to post for advice when everything is ok. Anyway, we had a lovely time in the end last Christmas - thank you for asking and being so invested in it. FFS.

OP posts:
TheScottishPlay · 05/10/2025 15:49

It's very hard. DS is 21 and in 4th year now. After we dropped him off at his halls in 2022 I remember seeing families in the supermarket with younger DC and wishing that was us.
You will get used to it. DS posted pics of his evening meal, some of them weird and wonderful! It was good to keep in touch this way.
As pp say, be kind to yourself. Remember he will need a lot of support as he navigates adult, independent life. You are definitely not redundant in his life. It's also lovely to see them blossom BECAUSE of the time and love you have invested in them.

TeaAndBrie · 05/10/2025 15:50

lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:05

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

My DD went two weeks ago and it really has hit me way worse than I thought it would.
i love the fact that she’s doing it and I am so proud of her but home feels empty and I feel lost!

Curlewcurfew · 05/10/2025 15:52

thisishowloween · 05/10/2025 15:07

I’m sorry you’re so sad.

But unfortunately this is why you shouldn’t put everything into your children.

That's unfair, as single parents often have little choice and the most positive way to cope with the relentlessness is to put your all into it. OP mentions she has a career as well, but careers aren't usually the same emotional investment or reward of parenting.

thisishowloween · 05/10/2025 15:54

Curlewcurfew · 05/10/2025 15:52

That's unfair, as single parents often have little choice and the most positive way to cope with the relentlessness is to put your all into it. OP mentions she has a career as well, but careers aren't usually the same emotional investment or reward of parenting.

Edited
Show quote history

I’m not sure it is unfair really - being a single parent doesn’t mean you never have time to yourself and never have the opportunity to keep up your own social life, hobbies and interests. Yes, it can make it harder, but it’s not impossible.

TheScottishPlay · 05/10/2025 15:55

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:40

I was on your other thread about having a go at your DS for not being sufficiently excited about Christmas. I will leave you be as there’s history

Like moving away for uni, I think this is all part and parcel of the growing awareness of our DC getting older and more independent of us. We're still doing stockings and waiting for Santa and they want a cash transfer and left to sleep 'til noon! Give people a break.

Roseshavethorns · 05/10/2025 15:57

It's like a bereavement.
I left home at 17 to go to university and never realised, until my eldest did the same, the huge hole you leave behind.
All my 4 children did the same and it never got easier. I cried a bit harder and a bit longer with each one. The good news it does get better and pretty quickly.
In reality by the time each of mine left home we didn't spend a huge amount of time together day to day anyway. I really only saw them in the morning, the occasional dinner time and in the car when driving them different places. It's the knowledge that they won't be home that hurts. And knowing that soon enough they will visit you rather than view your house as home is hard. But you do get used to the new normal. The lack of responsibility for their day to day needs becomes freeing. It helps (believe it or not) when you realise that they are not sitting in their room missing home but are actually out living their best life, a life you made possible for them.
It's true, things will never be the same. It's the start of a new normal.

Zanatdy · 05/10/2025 15:57

Had two have been and finished and youngest due to start next year. You’ll be fine, the holidays are long and you can still have a great relationship with your adult child. But yes, childhoods are over so quickly, and things will change but your relationship is far from over.

abracadabra1980 · 05/10/2025 15:57

I feel your pain, as I’m a total empath and I’ve been through this, BUT, your job is to nurture and educate your children to be independent adults who can survive without their DM. They don’t need a mum whose only interest is them-what a burden. Believe me, if you carry on in this way, becoming needy of them, you could push them so far away that they avoid you altogether. Both my DC didn’t really return home properly after Uni, they chose to live with partners and now have their own homes with said DPs, both of whom I adore.
I am also single ans will remain so; I fill my life with hobbies, friends, dogs and a part time job and fun. They visit for food and/or a laugh, because they enjoy seeing me and not because I’m crying down the phone or guilting them into it. I can recommend Sertraline or another SSRI/SRNI to maybe lift your mood and stop the tears. Worked well for me but for different circumstances. Sorry if I’ve been harsh-wishing you all the best, OP.

Curlewcurfew · 05/10/2025 15:57

Empty nest syndrome is very much a real thing and can be very hard indeed.

Bringing up children takes so much, of course it can be a shock to the system when they're not around day to day any more, as well as just missing them.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 05/10/2025 15:58

It was hard with DD1 as it did feel really rushed as well - city had big event so couldn't get back over second day.

It took a while for it to feel normal - we had two kids left at home.

It's felt easier with DS - better idea what to expect we did drop off differently as well so felt less rushed.

Doesn't mean I'm not keen for them to be where they are or that I'm not proud or that I haven't got other things going on in my life but it's a big change and I do miss them - then you slowly adjust.

Curlewcurfew · 05/10/2025 16:00

thisishowloween · 05/10/2025 15:54

I’m not sure it is unfair really - being a single parent doesn’t mean you never have time to yourself and never have the opportunity to keep up your own social life, hobbies and interests. Yes, it can make it harder, but it’s not impossible.

Show quote history

Speak for yourself!