Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

[lurchersforever]

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

My son joined the RAF and never came home x Now married and lives 5 hours away. We see him twice a year.
I used to stand in His bedroom and be filled with tears. I am still sad now and again. It is an end of an era situation. Chin up xx

It is an ending and deeply final when they leave. I couldn’t go in my daughter’s room, everything made me cry. It is grief, grief for what has gone.

Thr first semester is the worst. I could barely sleep. Organise a visit and little parcels and try and stay busy.

After Christmas it gets much easier. You will have reading week and Easter and then they are home late spring and things will feel like they never changed op. I counted down the days, and once dd was back it felt exactly the same.

You are still his family, and it is still his home. That will never change. I have found each passing year gets easier. Buy yourself some flowers. Be kind to yourself. It’s so painful, but it will ease, and soon enough hr will be home.

I think you need to stop and do a reset.

You have raised a confident, intelligent , hard working, ambitious human being, Which , if two decades ago you had sat down and written it, would probably all have been included on the list of personal attributes you wanted your baby to have to see them through life . So well done.

That is essentially why we have children, so that they can take their place in the world as adults. On the way we can feel proud of their achievements, and should also be proud of our own achievements for steering them in the right direction - but they are not ours to keep. The cage is opened , your child is poised to fly . Enjoy watching him spread his wings and soar, one day he will fly back to you, and he will be wiser, stronger , more aware of the wider world and ready to contribute using the values that you have given him.

On the other hand I have photos of my Mum beaming with delight when I left home. My Dad and I are bawling and looking bereft but she's just filled with utter joy. I was a horrendous teen 🤣 she was sick of me.

I am really sorry that my clumsy words upset you.
It was not my intention.
I can't imagine your pain.

Deepest sympathies to you, there is no bereavement worse in this world.

@lurchersforever This is the real parenting pain that isn't talked about enough. There is no word for a parent who has lost a child, no word can describe this loss. Your child has grown up and gone to university.

When people talk about 'getting their life back,' I just find it odd. You aren't going to ping back to how you were 18 years ago.

I think your supposed to find a "new" life rather than get exact old one back - but not found older teens that much of a tie TBH - pets are more of one - and it's not like there suddenly more money to do more with.

Sending a huge hug OP as I dropped DD off yesterday and have been feeling very wobbly all day. I think so many parents go through this. DDs uni has a parents group chat and there's been lots of support on there with many mums expressing similar emotions. Wonder if it's the same uni as to be fair most have gone back already. Understand if you don't want to say. Take care of yourself and perhaps book a visit in a few weeks when he's settled in.

But the OP isn't talking about the weird feeling of having an empty nest.

That is a common feeling / experience.

She is talking of pain and being sick and sobbing.

That ^ isn't.

Yep.

My son almost died last year, he thankfully survived against all of the odds and it completely changed my mindset. I will never again act sad about him getting older, he'll be 10 in December and I've never been more thankful to watch him get older.

It's NOT a bereavement. Absolutely not never not !

It IS grief and it is a massive change

It DOES pass and it does get better

I wouldn't worry too much, housing is so expensive, they'll be back.

On this site there are pages and pages of people saying exactly the same thing. I think in real life most people take a rather more balanced view.
But I totally agree with those upthread who remind young parents to take this as a warning not to invest all their energy and sense of worth in their children. There is much more to life than being a parent, and none of us can go through life dependent on others for our happiness - we have to make our own happiness.

You have my sympathies. I dealt with this by relentlessly scheduling activities - book club, choir, theatre, dog walks with friends etc until I got used to it. The DC are back from uni quite a lot of the time. It’s hard, but it is also right for your children. Good luck, you will be fine in the end.

My FIL went off to have a cry ffs.

Just because you haven' t exerience empty nest as intensively as OP doens't mean it's not it.

Some parents actually enjopy spending time with their offspring so not seeing them every day has an impact - affects everyday life and some people are more emotional about that.

It's perfectly normal reaction many parents have - I never get why so many of MN try and make out it's not but then so many posters seem anti kids or seem to dislike ones they have - so maybe that explains it.

But it is talked about, usually as empty nest.

You've put a lot of your emotional eggs into your son's basket and he's left the nest. Sure, you're upset, but he has to fledge or else he turns into one of those failure to launches and that's far, far worse.

Life moves on. If you're having a hard time dealing, seek therapy. You said your kids know you're upset and you're crying all over the place, get help if it's that overwhelming.

My friend took up jewellery making and joined a choir about two years before her only daughter set off to uni. She said she'd seen too many people at a complete loss when the children leave, so she needed to ne prepared.

I will have very mixed feelings when my sons go.

I’ll miss them a bit, but I will also be very happy that they are on the way (hopefully) to a happy and successful life.

As parents, it is important to try to get the balance right between being supportive and over invested.

One of my sons was on his gold DofE practice this weekend (as quite a few across the country are). The last thing I wanted to do was to be in contact with him. No news is good news! But some parents were virtually in tears on the WhatsApp group about their children walking in the wind and rain, and there being no phone signal.

That just isn’t healthy.

Yes same here and my other child is on a placement year for uni in Europe. Military was very hard as I knew he would never come back to live at home. With my other son at uni I know he will be back in the holidays. I try to be proud of them rather than feel the sadness. I also worry terribly about my son in the RAF. Nothing can prepare you for the risks they take or will take to protect this country.

The thing is, they really do come a lot still.

My 2 just went back (2nd and 4th years) and I have loved getting my house in order this weekend after a lovely summer.

It is hard and sad when they grow up, but it’s also the best possible outcome.

The first week was the worst when my DD (20) left for uni, a black cloud seemed to sit over me. It gradually improved as I heard that she was settling in and starting to make friends, Now I’m so happy every time I hear that she’s done something fun, passed an exam, etc., because seeing them blossom into adults is what we want for them.

Hang in there, @lurchersforever, it’ll get better. 💐

You have to focus on the positives of the situation. Not just the lack of being deafened by their music, but the new experiences and relationship you are going to have with your adult child - which I am finding even more wonderful than the relationships I had with them when they were children.

This is when you discover you raised great people. When you get sent photos of favourite family dishes they have cooked for the first time and share their pride and nostalgia. When you know they are choosing to call you, not doing it just because they have to. When they buy you a drink, when they have opinions honed by conversations you weren't part of that make you question yourself in a good way.

It's the end of an era - but it's also the start of a new one that you can enjoy more

It’s hard. My eldest DS met a girl at uni and never moved back home. At least he’s only 45 minutes away. My youngest DS is at a uni 3 hours away and has met a girl who lives 3 hours away; I don’t expect he’ll be back either. I used to get a weekly call term time but I don’t even get that from eldest DS now. Him and his gf have bought a project house and DH is a builder so that’s given us an excuse to see him regularly and I text him every few days but he’s living his best 20s life with his work and his friends and his girlfriend’s family who live 5 minutes from them. I was talking to a friend and she says generally girls are better at keeping in touch than boys which makes me sad because I thought we were close. I’m really conscious of not making him feel guilty or a chore/duty to contact me but it is so hard. My youngest DS is a bit better at messaging regularly so hopefully your DS will be the same. I do lots of hobbies now to keep me busy and distracted so at least I have something to say. But I miss them so much and I do miss the family unit we were. We recently booked a week away with both DS and their girlfriends which we’re going to do every year if we can do that we have an uninterrupted week with them. Hugs xx

Look, you were a whole person before you had kids, and you will find that person again, now that they are flying the nest. You won't feel like this for long - trust me! Mine left 10 & 9 years ago. Honestly, you get over it, move on, enjoy that there's less chores, less washing, find stuff you love doing. Book a trip? You can visit them in their Uni town - book a nice hotel, take them to dinner.

Reminds me of my mum sending me a letter when I first went to uni. 1st lines of "I really missed you last night.." to which I melted a little as my mum was never mushy, only to read ".... had 7 spiders under glasses and I needed you to remove them like you always do".

HA!

Get yourself out there, get new hobbies, go see friends, spa pamper day, join a gym, do all the things you put on the back burner while being a mum so long. Go on a cruise if can afford it! Yes, it may be the end of a chapter but it is also the beginning of a new one and that one is up to you. Have a cry, be sad but don't do it for long. Take comfort that a, you've done a smashing job as a mum to see your kids off to uni and b, you have the kind of relationship with your children that you do miss them. Just don't let it be everything.