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Original poster

Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

189 replies

lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:05

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

OP posts:
Centuriesahead · 06/10/2025 08:32

Full on sobbing for days on end, thoughts of utter devastation, sleeping in the child’s bed and wearing their clothes sounds like the actions of a parent going through grief which seems extreme when your child has moved a few hours away.

@Eastie77Returns i haven’t read the full thread. Are some saying they do / have done this??

Arraminta · 06/10/2025 10:12

Yes, I openly admit I slept in DD's bed the first night she left for university. It's what I needed to do.

But prior to that I had never once cried if she went away with friends/school. I virtually skipped down the street the first day after I dropped her off at school. I was the parent who never took our DDs to weddings, even if invited, because I wanted the chance to drink and dance with abandon. When they were young our DDs had a strict 7pm bedtime because I wanted the evening to myself. I am so not the Earth Mother type, I can assure you.

But DD going to university was an irrevocable change and it truly shook me. It's ironic because I had severe PND after DD was born and couldn't imagine ever truly feeling happy again. Eighteen years later she left for university and, for a while, I couldn't ever imagine truly feeling happy again.

TealScroller · 06/10/2025 10:21

I agree, my son has just started his 2nd year of uni and it feels worse than the first for me! I've tried very hard not to be too needy and text only when I need to as it's important for him to be independent and for him to know that I trust him. I'm now trying to focus on the positives of our changing relationship and how him being independent is a reflection of good parenting.

Slimtoddy · 06/10/2025 10:51

Of course we miss our kids when they go to university especially if it's miles away. Of course we are also proud of them and maybe even a little jealous of their exciting lives.

I have a busy demanding job, a wide range of friends and a fairly active social life but I still miss my DD. It's usually at quiet times when the house is quiet that I feel it more strongly.

I agree there isn't much talk about it. But when you are open about it people will share their thoughts.

Eastie77Returns · 06/10/2025 11:00

Centuriesahead · 06/10/2025 08:32

Full on sobbing for days on end, thoughts of utter devastation, sleeping in the child’s bed and wearing their clothes sounds like the actions of a parent going through grief which seems extreme when your child has moved a few hours away.

@Eastie77Returns i haven’t read the full thread. Are some saying they do / have done this??

Yes, there are comments upthread about days of sobbing and going to sleep in DC's bed. Of course it's entirely possible this post will come back to bite me on the arse in a few years if my DC go to university and I end up behaving in exactly the same way😆

I joined MN when my oldest was a newborn. I remember reading threads about rude teenagers when she was tiny and thinking "oh I'll never have a child like that.." DD is now almost 13 now and I realize how naive I was😬

Benjithedog · 06/10/2025 13:01

ChocolateBoxCottage · 05/10/2025 20:01

I don't like the thought that some ones pain invalidates others pain. My son had a blue badge by 5. Most people gets that pain. But I can still sympathy for op.

My son would have any child taken away by socail care at birth. He will never be a dad. That doesn't invalidate a infertile couple or any miscarriage.

People was lined up and shot in wars. That doesn't invalidate the pain of a broken arm. It's not a race to the bottom. Someone is always worse off. Always. Always. Someone has more pain than someone teen who was stabbed. Someone feels more pain than someone has a terminal diagnosis.

So really by that bar any suffering is bullshit. I don't buy that. As a part of a disabled child I can still feel and I still have empathy and I can still imagine. My soul didn't die when my dreams died

Show quote history

This has so made me tear up. Your darling boy is lucky to have you as his mum

stuffedpeppers · 06/10/2025 13:59

I think as a single parent it is harder.
If the other parent was pretty well absent - then your life has revolved around work and DCS for over a decade.
i still went to the gym and met friends etc but it was all dictated around sports matches, taxi service etc.

The first weekend, I got up ungodly early forgetting that the 0700 departure time was no longer needed to get to the warm up and match on time. I sat on the sofa slightly non plussed as to what I was going to do with my regained hours.

It is not that I dedicated my life to my DCS but when you are on your own doing all the hard yards - you do not realise how much of your life has been taken over by them until they are no longer there.

I have signed up to a Saturday morning yoga class -something I have wanted to do for ages - it will evolve.

Enigma54 · 06/10/2025 22:14

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/10/2025 19:45

I don't know, I seem to see countless threads about the "pain" of children going to University on Mumsnet and everywhere else. I'm quite tired of seeing them all over the place tbh.

I always think it's good to spare a thought for people who have lost dc before University Age, or whose children will never be able to go to University because they are disabled or have a life limiting illness, or are too mentally unwell to even attempt it, or the people who never could have the children they wanted so much.

Feeling sick and sobbing - it's over the top and not a sign that you love your children any more than those of us who are quite happy to wave them off and feel happy that they're moving towards independence.

Don’t invalidate the emotions of others. Everyone is permitted to feel what they feel.

I have two incurable cancers, unlikely to see my DC ( 17.5 and nearly 21) into full
adulthood. There are people in worse situations than me, immobile and terminal.

TheLemonPeach · 07/10/2025 11:44

Enigma54 · 06/10/2025 22:14

Don’t invalidate the emotions of others. Everyone is permitted to feel what they feel.

I have two incurable cancers, unlikely to see my DC ( 17.5 and nearly 21) into full
adulthood. There are people in worse situations than me, immobile and terminal.

Show quote history

It doesn't hurt to tell people to get a grip though, I don't think it's healthy to encourage people to over-react and become ridiculous about non-events.

It's even worst when it's unfair on their kids and affect them.

Either the kids will feel guilty, or they'll decide they have enough of the drama and they will avoid their parents as much as they can as soon as they can.
See how many threads on here where the poster is distraught that the kids have put their foot down and only have minimum contact

Enigma54 · 07/10/2025 12:11

TheLemonPeach · 07/10/2025 11:44

It doesn't hurt to tell people to get a grip though, I don't think it's healthy to encourage people to over-react and become ridiculous about non-events.

It's even worst when it's unfair on their kids and affect them.

Either the kids will feel guilty, or they'll decide they have enough of the drama and they will avoid their parents as much as they can as soon as they can.
See how many threads on here where the poster is distraught that the kids have put their foot down and only have minimum contact

Show quote history

I don’t think OP is being ridiculous about a “non event” . Hopefully she will settle in a couple of weeks. She has a career and is genuinely thrilled for her son. She is allowed to feel some emotion after all.

TeaAndBrie · 07/10/2025 21:38

lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:05

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

How are you doing today OP?
I hope all is going well and you’ve heard from your son :)
there has been some unexpected twists in this thread that feel a little off topic.
my DD is in week three of uni and things are starting to settle. Please message if you need someone to talk to :)

topcat2014 · 18/10/2025 08:51

@lurchersforeverhow are you doing? We've got a bit more used to this now

CaragianettE · 18/10/2025 08:54

If he moves back in with you after university (quite common and likely given the current economic situation), how will you feel?

Original poster
lurchersforever · 19/10/2025 16:16

Thank you for asking @topcat2014 . Yes, it's getting easier. I have spoken to him a few times and have a little cry when I hang up, but less each time! It helps that he seems fine and is enjoying it. Glad you have got more used to it too.

As for him coming home afterwards, I'd be gutted as I know that is not his plan. He's super-ambitious and I hope he gets what he wants and is working for. Selfishly I'd be thrilled but that would in no way make up for his disappointment so I don't wish for it at all.

OP posts:
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