Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

[lurchersforever]

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

I cried every night for a year when my son moved out just me and him since he was 3,he didnt move out to he was 25 but coming home from work every night to a cold empty dark house was awful but I now love it,it does get easier. Sending hugs

You have to focus on the positives of the situation. Not just the lack of being deafened by their music, but the new experiences and relationship you are going to have with your adult child - which I am finding even more wonderful than the relationships I had with them when they were children.

@MrsMcGarry Completely agree, the relationship with an adult child is so different.
DD decided to work in her uni town over the summer instead of coming home so I visited her for a few days -she came up with a great sight-seeing itinerary for us and it was more like visiting a friend then my child!

Although I still paid for everything, of course! 😂

I feel the same and I definitely haven’t put everything into my kids. I have a career, a great marriage, hobbies, holidays etc… doesn’t help. I miss them so much. I think it’s biological somehow!

My son calls about once a month. My daughter moved to Australia and never calls or texts. Not sure what to make of it. No fallings out. It's hard to realise that you give your best years to raising children, and if you are successful at it, they fly the nest and don't need you at all. It's like being a victim of your own success.

This.

"Your children are not your children" is a bit of wisdom you need to reflect upon. Your DS has the right to his own independent life, free of guilt about his mother's distress.

You need to get a hobby or maybe seek therapy to work out why you are over-reacting to something that is absolutely normal.

I dropped mine off recently but there has been a bit of build up (SEN etc) and she is 20, so my overriding feeling is relief. And a few tears. And lots of worry! She is only 1hr away, though.

I have multiple friends whose experience is identical to yours. Dropped off, came home, lay on DC’s bed and sobbed. Some for days. I think it is normal. You’re grieving for the child who is now an adult and needs you a little less. But only a little less. They are still your child, your home is still their home, you are still their mum and they will always be need to know you are there and that you love them. You’ve done a great job because they’ve arrived. They’ve done a great job with the love and support you’ve given them.

Hang in there. They’ll be back before you know it. Probably with a suitcase full of washing.

Very well said.

Apart from anything else, housing costs are so high now that if you live in London or somewhere else that's expensive your kids will probably be back after they graduate.

I will never guilt trip mine for moving away. My parents did it to me and my brother and still do over 30 years later. But they live in a rural area with no opportunities so we had no choice but to leave!

Children are supposed to grow up and move on and if they do it well and with confidence then you have succeeded at parenting!

I feel you, and yes it is a pain- it’s grief for what’s been and the change.

I dropped my son off at Uni at the beginning of September (up in Scotland, a 7 hour drive away!) and the lead up and first two weeks were awful (that I did my best to hide).
it’s not just missing their physical presence, it’s that you know that when they come home they won’t be the same young person that left ‘your’ version of who the were. And that’s how it should be, and we know that, but it still hurts. Letting go is the hardest part of parenting.

I think you also grieve who you were, and it’s scary to wonder who you will be without them. It’s time to find out!

It does get easier, especially when they call you and tell you about how it’s going and you can hear in their voice how much fun they are having.

i really hope he doesn’t love it so much that he wants to stay up there, but that’s out of my hands now. I’m also told that letting him go after the Xmas break will feel like this all over again, but at least I’m prepared!

On the flip side, for the first time in his life, my youngest has me all to himself and is throughly relishing the attention! I’m making the most of him. He’s missing his brother too, so we are getting used to this new normal together.

I hope you start to feel better about it soon. X

Don’t know if it helps but I am a single parent experiencing much the same. I have embarked on a weight loss journey, started taking vitamins and supplements suitable for menopausal women, as well as ashwagandha for anxiety. New haircut and colour. Got my ears pierced and have my eye on a tattoo. I have overhauled my wardrobe with the help of Vinted, local car boots and eBay. Joined a book club at my local library, started a monthly meal out with some close friends, and have booked various holidays and other activities with friends. And I feel fantastic.

I knew it was coming and the stress and anxiety was enormous on the run up to it. A few months ago I was tearful, not sleeping and just beside myself emotionally. I decided I needed to be pro active and meet it head on. It has worked. Really well. It’s an opportunity for my own personal growth and I intend to take the opportunity with both hands and run. Work on your mindset. Be positive. Make it all about you.

My daughter is only 3 but the sentence “their childhood has been the best years of my life” just brought me to tears. I know I’m living through moments now that one day I will long to be back in. Sending you a big hug!

OP I really feel your pain, however much anyone may say it is silly. In the same boat myself and no idea now what my life is apart from work really.
I can get very tearful thinking about how quickly the last two decades have gone- easily the best decades I’ve had, full of love and laughter with the dc.
Now I guess we have as much of a challenge to face as our dc! They build their new lives and we build ours.

I feel for you OP.
I am also a single parent with just one dd.
I had a slightly different experience.. dd decided to do a gap year, so trotted off ( at 18, as a solo traveller) to Asia for a year,
I was incredibly sad for at least the first 6 weeks, and would randomly cry, especially walking past her bedroom!
So then when she started university, I’d already been through the pain, so it wasn’t as bad.
She is now in her second year and doing so well, but I have had to make a life more for myself now she has gone.
The holidays are long though, and I do go and visit her every so often.
But I completely get how you are feeling, be kind to yourself x
(and drink wine!)

As a no kids by choice person, I won't pretend to know how you're feeling completely, but I do feel for you. The empty nest syndrome is real and it must be incredibly painful. I know my mother had it big-time as she really did live for us and through us (no job outside the home either).

I often think about this scenario when people with children don't understand how I fill my life - don't they realise they'll be having to do the same sooner or later? It's actually less painful for me, I'm sure, since I didn't have the children in the first place only to have them leave me and move on.

I suppose the main thing now is to keep those lines of communication open and maintain positive relationships with your children, as that is what will determine how enjoyable this next phase of life will be.

I hope the acute pain softens for you soon, OP.

I think its a mistake to allow too much sentiment. All this 'end of an era', 'flown the nest', 'its over!!!' doesn't help imo. Especially as for loads of DC, it's not even true. A lot of them end up back home after uni. And even if they don't, they're to and fro so much, it's still their home, they're just not there for a few weeks at a time. My advice is to stop thinking in terms of ends and new phases. It hurts and it's not really necessary given they'll be back in a few weeks. It's not a cliff edge end of childhood, it's a very gradual process where you'll get time to adjust to each new circumstance. Keep busy, keep in touch, and he'll soon be home (and it is home!) for the holidays.

Are you particularly well known for your emphatic nature?
What a truly horrible response.

I don't get why people feel so bad about this stage. You expect to miss them but feeling numb seems a very strong and odd reaction.

I mean this with kindness but you need to get some perspective here. I have two DC one who has just graduated and one at Uni, also single Mum so alone now. DD best friend was killed a few weeks ago, her funeral was this week. Your child is alive and doing all of the things they should be at their age, yes it is hard not having them around but it is what it is. Pull yourself together and be grateful for what you have.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/chat/5413755-my-boy-is-off-to-university-and-its-breaking-my-heart?page=1

There are always threads like this. Always mean responses from people who cannot empathise or judge you.

I've been there.
This is not a thread for those who feel differently. It's ok to feel relieved or indifferent to your firstborn leaving but it's also ok to be sad.

I don't think it is natural for offspring to be fully dependent one minute and fledged the next. In years gone by before university became the born, youngsters would start work and remain at home for a few years.

I was sad. I kept up the jolly excited organising face until we drove away and cried all the way home. It was hard. I was lucky to have DS2 at home for two more years and that really helped.
DS1 bounced back a couple of times then came home for Christmas and it was lovely. I was sad again when he left for the new term. And so on.
When DS2 went two years later it was actually harder.

They both popped back home a lot and they each lived at home again for a year or more after uni.
You get used to it but there's no doubt it's the end of an era of raising children who need you.
The best era tbh.

I don't think it is "rarely mentioned" at all, there are frequent MN posts about it and in my experience people also talk about it in RL.

It wasn't my experience at all, I took Ds to his uni accommodation, came back the next day and had a sad 10 mins sitting on his bed, then didn't really think about it after that.

Also a single parent, also have a younger ds2 (3 years).

@RaininSummer I agree that it’s not logical to be upset as it’s a natural and positive transition. But all of my friends, myself included, felt v. emotional when our children went to uni. It’s not a rational response, but that’s how we feel. I suppose it’s because they’ve lived with you from the moment they were born and now they’re leaving for the first time. 🤷

We get over it though. I’m expecting to feel miserable again when DS leaves and cheer up again in a few days!

It's a kind of grief and it will get easier with time.

I don't think being so emotionally dependent on your DC is at all healthy. You are talking as though your life is over and it is a 'steady decline' to what I am unsure. Of course it is a big life event when they leave home but this seems very extreme.

I felt the same OP, my DS went to uni 2 weeks ago, but it is starting to wear off because I know it is the right thing. I think it foreshadows a time when we will no longer be around and our kids will have to manage without us. I'm grateful he is ok really. It isn't as sad as some things no, but nor is it unhinged to feel some grief. As a single parent you're bound to feel a bit untethered and lost, even with the fullest life it is still a huge change.

Absolutely. My son just came back from a deployment and was so glad he is home! X