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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with step sons increased presence

173 replies

jungleball · 04/10/2025 10:22

I have a lovely step son (25) who we enjoyed having at weekends all through his teens. He was 13 when I met Dh.

Since he moved out of his mums to a rental he popped in on a Sunday for a roast and that’s been lovely.

He has recently moved to a new rental with only permit parking only until 6pm, he doesn’t want to pay this so comes to our house every day as it’s just round the corner and parks on our drive until 6 when he can go home.

The problem is he doesn’t go home, he comes by every day at 4pm and lets himself in and sits there until about 9pm.
One night I had to ask him to go at 11pm as we were going to bed.
We only have room for a small 3 seater sofa so he sits there and I just potter around as there’s no room to sit down even though I’m tired after work and want to relax.

I would just like my evenings back the way they were and to enjoy him visiting when we plan.
Dh gets annoyed by him coming over all the time too but he doesn’t like to say anything so he just eye rolls at me while looking at the clock.
We had a nice evening planned last Friday night a takeaway and bottle of wine but he didn’t get the hint so it ended up being date night for 3.
I know I married a man with a son but I didn’t sign up for this constant intrusion, he’s never lived here yet recently he’s here more than he’s at home.
Dh asked if I wanted him to pick up some wine for this evening and my immediate thought was no because step son will probably be here all night.
I do genuinely love him to bits but I am finding his sudden constant presence a bit much.

It all started with this parking issue which I’ve offered to pay but he says he’s got the money but isn’t prepared to pay for parking as he’s at work all week.
He also parks here all weekend meaning he’s in and out all Saturday and Sunday too.
AIBU or just a miserable cow?

OP posts:
Chemenger · 04/10/2025 10:24

Buy him a parking permit as an early Christmas present?

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 04/10/2025 10:24

Yeah that’s ridiculous. Your husband needs to have a firm word.

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 04/10/2025 10:27

Surely he could leave his car at yours and walk home?

missedtherainbow · 04/10/2025 10:28

Could there be something more to it? Do you think maybe he’s feeling lonely?
If he’s round at yours every evening and most weekends is he socialising much or has he any friends?

Floranan · 04/10/2025 10:30

If he lives just round the corner, he could park on your drive and walk home, come back later to collect the car ?

if that’s the case I would suggest that maybe he’s just lonely and doesn’t want to go home to am empty flat.

i don’t know the answer, other than to say your DH need a chat with him, maybe hint that where as it’s lovely having him around, he would like a date night occasionally just the 2 of you.

its lovely that he obviously feels so at home with you, it doesn’t occur to him he’s not welcome.

other than that, maybe invest in a bean bag as an extra seat 🤷🏼‍♀️

JustJani · 04/10/2025 10:30

I think somewhere in the middle. I think you need to get better at not pussyfooting around him. If you want to sit on the sofa, tell him to move up. If you want a date night, let him know in advance that he can't hang around.

However, in some ways I envy you, many parents of 25 year olds barely see them. It's nice he wants to spend time with you. Since it doesn't sound like he has struggled to fly the nest I also think this is probably a phase, in time he'll move jobs, meet someone, his life will change again. I'd be surprised if in a couple of years you're still seeing him so much. So I think there's an element of enjoying having his time while you have it.

so he just eye rolls at me while looking at the clock

That bit is really rude and immature of your husband by the way, it's his son. He either needs to speak to him or put up with it.

Mulledjuice · 04/10/2025 10:30

Well for a start, sit in your own sofa.

Start snogging on the sofa in front of him he'll soon go

Original poster
jungleball · 04/10/2025 10:34

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 04/10/2025 10:27

Surely he could leave his car at yours and walk home?

Yes this is what we hope every day but then he comes on in.

OP posts:
Twoshoesnewshoes · 04/10/2025 10:35

Get yourself an armchair?

HappyGolmore2 · 04/10/2025 10:40

Is this about the car or is he lonely? He sounds like he’s lonely to me…

TheatricalLife · 04/10/2025 10:42

I'd buy him the permit as a surprise gift, and start being more firm with asking him to leave when you are tired/want a date night etc. You don't have to be rude about it.
Is he lonely? He sounds like he enjoys the company.

Schoolchoicesucks · 04/10/2025 10:43

Your DH needs to have a chat with him. Does he not have any hobbies or friends he meets up with or other family to spend time with?

DH needs to encourage him to have other things in his life so that he can set some boundaries - at 25 your home is not his home and he shouldn't be treating it as such all the time. A meal on Sunday and midweek visit would be a good starting point.

I think your DSS must be lonely and this isn't just about the permit.

MidnightPatrol · 04/10/2025 10:44

missedtherainbow · 04/10/2025 10:28

Could there be something more to it? Do you think maybe he’s feeling lonely?
If he’s round at yours every evening and most weekends is he socialising much or has he any friends?

I agree with this.

Is he ok?

Toodleleetoodleeo · 04/10/2025 10:45

Chemenger · 04/10/2025 10:24

Buy him a parking permit as an early Christmas present?

That is a fantastic idea

Tigerthatcametobrunch · 04/10/2025 10:46

As someone who's lived on their own for years I'd say he's found living by himself bitterly lonely. It isn't the freedom he thought it would be. He's using the parking as an excuse. My guess would be he can't stand the thought of endless hours alone before bed.

Might be worth suggesting a house share with some social young types to save a bit of money?

ladybirdsanchez · 04/10/2025 10:47

Yeah, that's weird that you live close enough that he could park at yours and go home. And why doesn't a 25-year-old have a social life or go to the gym or have things to do in the evening? I too suspect that there is something else going on.

Original poster
jungleball · 04/10/2025 10:48

I think it’s a mixture of lonely and tired, he likes to sit down after work and then chill for a bit and enjoys the company before going home.
I know it can’t be nice going home to an empty flat every night.

OP posts:
Mrsoftandhisstrangeworld · 04/10/2025 10:48

Has he fallen out with his partner? Or feeling lonely?

InTheMountainsThere · 04/10/2025 10:49

His dad needs to have a proper talk with him, first to find out if something is wrong and then to set some boundaries.

I opened the thread thinking "why do people marry spouses with children and then expect them not to be in their lives" BUT having read it I agree with you - especially given the size of your house, the fact it's every day and the letting himself in just to sit around until you want to go to bed, it's far too much.

He is probably lonely or depressed, but sitting around in your tiny sitting room probably isn't helping much with that. He needs to join the gym/ a sports club or similar and meet a range of people if he's got out of the habit of socialising and his friends are all coupled up and he feels unwelcome, or whatever.

Tricky because you both obviously want to be there for him and be his safety net, which is as it should be, but not all evening every single day when he's 25! It's not good for him, let alone you!

Could his dad start by saying that Fridays are "date night" for him and you, so could he please make himself scarce just on Fridays. Let that settle in for a while before ring fencing another evening. Your stepson also needs to at least join the gym or a taekwondo class or a Sunday league football team or a badminton club or boardgame club or something - doesn't matter what - something though, to give himself somewhere else to be with people around.

JumpingPumpkin · 04/10/2025 10:50

Treat it as a second chance for him to spend time with the father he only saw at weekends throughout his teenage years. Maybe you could both thoroughly “parent” him for a couple of years until he feels ready to become properly independent?

BlueberryLatte · 04/10/2025 10:53

It's sort of sweet that he wants to spend so much time with you both at that age, but you need to set some boundaries. He can't come every day. That's obviously too much. He needs to be told politely not to come in every day.

Also the parking permit christmas gift sounds like a winner!

Yanbu

MaplePumpkin · 04/10/2025 10:54

Does he have no friends or social life?
He sounds lonely, but you need a middle ground. He can come if he wants, but absolutely shouldn’t be taking over the sofa. You seriously end up spending most evenings stood up and pottering around because you can’t sit in your own home? No chance. That’s silly. And your husband allows that? No. Assert yourself and sit down in your own home. Either be in position before he inevitably arrives, or if he sneaks into the sofa before you get a chance, ask him to move. Also, I hope you and your husband dictate what goes on TV, not the stepson.
Could you and your husband go out for a date night at least once a week?

Original poster
jungleball · 04/10/2025 10:55

Mrsoftandhisstrangeworld · 04/10/2025 10:48

Has he fallen out with his partner? Or feeling lonely?

No he doesn’t have a partner. Possibly lonely/possibly a bit lazy in that he’d rather stay in than go out but not necessarily be by himself so our house is the best of both worlds and there’s free refreshments.

OP posts:
Cardinalita90 · 04/10/2025 10:57

To be clear is to be kind , so dad needs to stop the passive aggressive eyerolls and just have a direct but empathetic chat sooner rather than later. Make yourself scarce for it

toomuchfaff · 04/10/2025 10:59

jungleball · 04/10/2025 10:48

I think it’s a mixture of lonely and tired, he likes to sit down after work and then chill for a bit and enjoys the company before going home.
I know it can’t be nice going home to an empty flat every night.

Well i definitely wouldn't be making it clear I wanted him out, that he wasnt welcome and he was annoying.

Id be more inclined to increase seating in the front room so you can relax and accommodate him being there if hes needing a bit of extra support. You need to be happy in your own space but not push him out.

And stop with the immature eye rolling; absolutely unnecessary and quite frankly abhorrent way to treat DSS especially if he is struggling.

edit to say i may be projecting a bit having known a young man take his own life through loneliness and other stresses.

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