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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with step sons increased presence

173 replies

jungleball · 04/10/2025 10:22

I have a lovely step son (25) who we enjoyed having at weekends all through his teens. He was 13 when I met Dh.

Since he moved out of his mums to a rental he popped in on a Sunday for a roast and that’s been lovely.

He has recently moved to a new rental with only permit parking only until 6pm, he doesn’t want to pay this so comes to our house every day as it’s just round the corner and parks on our drive until 6 when he can go home.

The problem is he doesn’t go home, he comes by every day at 4pm and lets himself in and sits there until about 9pm.
One night I had to ask him to go at 11pm as we were going to bed.
We only have room for a small 3 seater sofa so he sits there and I just potter around as there’s no room to sit down even though I’m tired after work and want to relax.

I would just like my evenings back the way they were and to enjoy him visiting when we plan.
Dh gets annoyed by him coming over all the time too but he doesn’t like to say anything so he just eye rolls at me while looking at the clock.
We had a nice evening planned last Friday night a takeaway and bottle of wine but he didn’t get the hint so it ended up being date night for 3.
I know I married a man with a son but I didn’t sign up for this constant intrusion, he’s never lived here yet recently he’s here more than he’s at home.
Dh asked if I wanted him to pick up some wine for this evening and my immediate thought was no because step son will probably be here all night.
I do genuinely love him to bits but I am finding his sudden constant presence a bit much.

It all started with this parking issue which I’ve offered to pay but he says he’s got the money but isn’t prepared to pay for parking as he’s at work all week.
He also parks here all weekend meaning he’s in and out all Saturday and Sunday too.
AIBU or just a miserable cow?

OP posts:
Bobiverse · 04/10/2025 14:29

It’s a difficult conversation but you’re going to have to just get on and do it.

Or, start making it difficult for him. When he is round on Monday, “Nice to see you but we’d better let you know that we have friends coming over for dinner tomorrow so we can’t have you over, and on Thursday, we’re having a date night so will need the privacy so please don’t come over.” On Wednesday, we unwell and lie down on the sofa in your jammies and when he turns up just weakly say, “oh, is that the time, I’m so unwell and want the house to myself so can you please come another day.”

It’s a ridiculous game to play and I wouldn’t do it, I would just have the conversation and tell him that he cant use your house anymore but it sounds like you won’t do that so maybe you’ll have to play ridiculous games.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 04/10/2025 14:31

Charge him rent that equals the parking charge.

Make him pay 'keep' equivalent to the parking charge.

This forum is truly another planet sometimes

Tiredofwhataboutery · 04/10/2025 14:32

Chemenger · 04/10/2025 10:24

Buy him a parking permit as an early Christmas present?

First reply nails it

PixieandMe · 04/10/2025 14:37

Why hasn’t your partner said ‘right lad, let’s go for a drink/to the pub quiz/ watch the football’ etc.. and get him out of an evening?

He sounds lonely or lazy. Either way, this isn’t normal behaviour for a 25 year old who has his own flat.

CarrotCrusader · 04/10/2025 14:53

People on here are fucking insane at times! Buy a bigger sofa? Sofas are bloody expensive!

Daleksatemyshed · 04/10/2025 15:04

He has no idea he's wearing out his welcome because you've let this go on for too long, if his DF had said something after the first couple of weeks you wouldn't have a problem. Tell your DH to say something, kindly but firmly, that he has his own home now and you love to see him but every day is too much

ChangingWeight · 04/10/2025 16:15

He just sounds lonely (and cheap/tight?)

I’d encourage him to socialise with peers

Raindancer411 · 04/10/2025 16:24

Your husbands needs to speak to him. Also plan some evenings out with your hubby and tell him you won't be there. See if that does anything.

JMSA · 04/10/2025 17:08

Oh gosh, I was ready to tell you YABU, but you’re really not!
In fact, I feel very sorry indeed for his future partner. How tight and lacking in self-awareness can any one man be?!

MistyMountainTop · 04/10/2025 17:29

I agree with a previous poster, a membership at David Lloyd or Virgin Active where they have a gym, swimming pool and social events may work for him. He could spend the whole evening there & save heating his place!

deckchairmayhem · 04/10/2025 17:37

Get rid of the 3 sitter sofa for 2 armchairs, even small IKEA ones. When's he's around, you both suddenly feel very tired and got to take an armchair.
Is he brazen enough to stay even if it means sitting on the floor? 😆

Rasell · 04/10/2025 22:24

You sound lovely and I think you're being perfectly reasonable. Is he ok? Lovely as it is being a close family and enjoying each other's company, it doesn't sound like he's happy or secure in his own life and the parking is an excuse?

OliviaBonas · 04/10/2025 23:19

If you’re tired and want to go to bed just go to bed. Leave your husband to see him out.

Calliopespa · 04/10/2025 23:21

missedtherainbow · 04/10/2025 10:28

Could there be something more to it? Do you think maybe he’s feeling lonely?
If he’s round at yours every evening and most weekends is he socialising much or has he any friends?

This was what jumped out at me.

waterrat · 04/10/2025 23:23

I think this is a sad tale...at 25 to be clinging to you guys like this. Id be worried about his mental health.

Look..it wont last forever and surely this isn't really about the parking so get to the bottom of it ?

Fushoutofwata · 04/10/2025 23:32

jungleball · 04/10/2025 11:55

No he makes his dinner in the slow cooker before work and always has that to go home to so he doesn’t want dinner with us.
He might make some cheese on toast for a snack but doesn’t expect a meal.

Show quote history

Tell him to make dinner for three and maybe you guys spend an evening with him - take car round, or he brings it over to you on a Wednesday and you eat together. Then day Friday is date night so would like your place to yourself. One night make dinner for him (and others if they want to drop in) get him to do chores eg wash up (as you would at his place) - maybe one night get takeaway and he chips in. Make him welcome but your not a hotel. I think he prefers your home to his.

76evie · 05/10/2025 00:58

JumpingPumpkin · 04/10/2025 10:50

Treat it as a second chance for him to spend time with the father he only saw at weekends throughout his teenage years. Maybe you could both thoroughly “parent” him for a couple of years until he feels ready to become properly independent?

This! Please don’t push the lad away, he is probably lonely and enjoying being part of a family and enjoying family life with his a dad involved. He is only 25, I could maybe understand if he was 35.

Get another seat for him and reclaim your spot on the sofa though.

Mondayblues2 · 05/10/2025 09:58

Get another seat for him and reclaim your spot on the sofa though.

This is missing the point

MeAndTheDoggo · 05/10/2025 10:06

If he’s taking the mick then YANU.

However, I thought loneliness when i read this which made me immediately so sad. I’d dig a little deeper into this, and depression. If he’s lovely, he’s worth it

Lavender14 · 05/10/2025 11:14

Your dh needs to have a supportive word. It's not easy adjusting to living alone particularly being alone so much, but the only way to get used to that is to go through it - he's dragging it out by avoiding it and enabling him isn't actually helping him.

Parking permit for a Christmas present for sure and a gentle conversation from dh about how he's actually finding living alone. Suggest he gets friends round for dinner or gaming, check he's able to cook properly for himself etc. And your dh needs to be direct when it's date night, as in "we're planning a date night tonight so the two of us are getting a takeaway and having a bottle of wine but you're welcome to stay until x time".

Needlenardlenoo · 05/10/2025 12:05

Buy him a permit for Christmas and change the locks as a Christmas present to yourself!

ILoveMyCaravan · 05/10/2025 17:44

A family member did similar. Every weekend, it went on for YEARS. But it was the wife’s son. She would never tell him not to come.

Your DH needs to have a word with him.

TiredMummma · 05/10/2025 17:44

I get you want your own space but he is also your family. I want date nights all the time on my own time but don’t get that choice because we had kids. It should be easy enough for your partner just to request that he doesn’t stay late on certain nights. It’s time to just treat him like actually family and be honest?

ComfortFoodCafe · 05/10/2025 17:49

Id buy him a permit and tell him “No need for you to come over every evening now.. we will see you Sunday.”

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/10/2025 17:52

Cardinalita90 · 04/10/2025 10:57

To be clear is to be kind , so dad needs to stop the passive aggressive eyerolls and just have a direct but empathetic chat sooner rather than later. Make yourself scarce for it

What about: '' cuckoo son... We love you but you're going to be stuck to our sofa til one of us dies unless yoh make some plans for you free time ...!

By being here all the time you're not giving yourself the chance of a fun social life! And also we can't have a spontaneous quickie on our sofa! '