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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with step sons increased presence

173 replies

jungleball · 04/10/2025 10:22

I have a lovely step son (25) who we enjoyed having at weekends all through his teens. He was 13 when I met Dh.

Since he moved out of his mums to a rental he popped in on a Sunday for a roast and that’s been lovely.

He has recently moved to a new rental with only permit parking only until 6pm, he doesn’t want to pay this so comes to our house every day as it’s just round the corner and parks on our drive until 6 when he can go home.

The problem is he doesn’t go home, he comes by every day at 4pm and lets himself in and sits there until about 9pm.
One night I had to ask him to go at 11pm as we were going to bed.
We only have room for a small 3 seater sofa so he sits there and I just potter around as there’s no room to sit down even though I’m tired after work and want to relax.

I would just like my evenings back the way they were and to enjoy him visiting when we plan.
Dh gets annoyed by him coming over all the time too but he doesn’t like to say anything so he just eye rolls at me while looking at the clock.
We had a nice evening planned last Friday night a takeaway and bottle of wine but he didn’t get the hint so it ended up being date night for 3.
I know I married a man with a son but I didn’t sign up for this constant intrusion, he’s never lived here yet recently he’s here more than he’s at home.
Dh asked if I wanted him to pick up some wine for this evening and my immediate thought was no because step son will probably be here all night.
I do genuinely love him to bits but I am finding his sudden constant presence a bit much.

It all started with this parking issue which I’ve offered to pay but he says he’s got the money but isn’t prepared to pay for parking as he’s at work all week.
He also parks here all weekend meaning he’s in and out all Saturday and Sunday too.
AIBU or just a miserable cow?

OP posts:
Catwalking · 05/10/2025 17:53

Take house key off him, or get locks changed.

Umidontknow · 05/10/2025 17:55

I'd ask him if he's OK, it sounds like there's more too it tbh

ManteesRock · 05/10/2025 17:58

I think he's lonely and potentially wanting the relationship with his dad that he never had as a child!
As a child he saw his dad every other weekend where as most of his friends would have seen their dad every night, got to chill out watching TV with them every night of the week etc!
You married someone with a child - he's still his child regardless of his age!

Autumnscoming234 · 05/10/2025 17:58

jungleball · 04/10/2025 10:22

I have a lovely step son (25) who we enjoyed having at weekends all through his teens. He was 13 when I met Dh.

Since he moved out of his mums to a rental he popped in on a Sunday for a roast and that’s been lovely.

He has recently moved to a new rental with only permit parking only until 6pm, he doesn’t want to pay this so comes to our house every day as it’s just round the corner and parks on our drive until 6 when he can go home.

The problem is he doesn’t go home, he comes by every day at 4pm and lets himself in and sits there until about 9pm.
One night I had to ask him to go at 11pm as we were going to bed.
We only have room for a small 3 seater sofa so he sits there and I just potter around as there’s no room to sit down even though I’m tired after work and want to relax.

I would just like my evenings back the way they were and to enjoy him visiting when we plan.
Dh gets annoyed by him coming over all the time too but he doesn’t like to say anything so he just eye rolls at me while looking at the clock.
We had a nice evening planned last Friday night a takeaway and bottle of wine but he didn’t get the hint so it ended up being date night for 3.
I know I married a man with a son but I didn’t sign up for this constant intrusion, he’s never lived here yet recently he’s here more than he’s at home.
Dh asked if I wanted him to pick up some wine for this evening and my immediate thought was no because step son will probably be here all night.
I do genuinely love him to bits but I am finding his sudden constant presence a bit much.

It all started with this parking issue which I’ve offered to pay but he says he’s got the money but isn’t prepared to pay for parking as he’s at work all week.
He also parks here all weekend meaning he’s in and out all Saturday and Sunday too.
AIBU or just a miserable cow?

Hm. He obviously feels welcome at yours which is great, and he obviously doesn’t feel like he is intruding. For a 25 yo to be with his father and stepmother so often, do you think he has more going on? Is he lonely? Where are his friends? Your husbands eye rolling is not the way to ho about it though, neither is posting on mumsnet, his father needs a frank word with him in the kindest possible way

Welshmonster · 05/10/2025 17:58

He has the money so tell him to buy a parking permit. You are entitled to want to spend evenings just relaxing at home. Or can you get a key to his house and go and chill out there! He’s not going to get a partner just sitting on your sofa.

time for some stern words. Change the locks 😂

inamo · 05/10/2025 18:03

Your always welcome here John, but not on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. See you Tuesday then, and here's a parking permit we got you so you can park at yours anytime you want.

Trishyb10 · 05/10/2025 18:04

You are family, you took hubby on with a son, there we are ….

Wadadli · 05/10/2025 18:10

jungleball · 04/10/2025 10:22

I have a lovely step son (25) who we enjoyed having at weekends all through his teens. He was 13 when I met Dh.

Since he moved out of his mums to a rental he popped in on a Sunday for a roast and that’s been lovely.

He has recently moved to a new rental with only permit parking only until 6pm, he doesn’t want to pay this so comes to our house every day as it’s just round the corner and parks on our drive until 6 when he can go home.

The problem is he doesn’t go home, he comes by every day at 4pm and lets himself in and sits there until about 9pm.
One night I had to ask him to go at 11pm as we were going to bed.
We only have room for a small 3 seater sofa so he sits there and I just potter around as there’s no room to sit down even though I’m tired after work and want to relax.

I would just like my evenings back the way they were and to enjoy him visiting when we plan.
Dh gets annoyed by him coming over all the time too but he doesn’t like to say anything so he just eye rolls at me while looking at the clock.
We had a nice evening planned last Friday night a takeaway and bottle of wine but he didn’t get the hint so it ended up being date night for 3.
I know I married a man with a son but I didn’t sign up for this constant intrusion, he’s never lived here yet recently he’s here more than he’s at home.
Dh asked if I wanted him to pick up some wine for this evening and my immediate thought was no because step son will probably be here all night.
I do genuinely love him to bits but I am finding his sudden constant presence a bit much.

It all started with this parking issue which I’ve offered to pay but he says he’s got the money but isn’t prepared to pay for parking as he’s at work all week.
He also parks here all weekend meaning he’s in and out all Saturday and Sunday too.
AIBU or just a miserable cow?

Ask your husband to get the key back. He should explain that you both need down time with just the two of you on weekday evenings. Tell him that you are happy for him to coma over but by invitation only. Also suggest that he should be hosting you two once in a while!

PumpkinSpiceAndEverythingNice · 05/10/2025 18:12

How much is the permit?

Carpedimum · 05/10/2025 18:14

I’ve had the unfortunate experience of several traumatic experiences in my life, two leading to what is now known as functioning nervous breakdowns. For the first one, I was a teenager and living at home with my parents anyway but I did not want to be alone at all. The second one, I was in my 30s with my own DC, but all I wanted to do was be in the company of my parents in their home because it felt safe, and when I went back to my home I had another family member with me because being alone was incredibly scary. Could this be going on? He’s not necessarily going to admit it, so tread carefully and read his mood, he might be expertly masking.

Hankunamatata · 05/10/2025 18:15

Pay for his permit

wordler · 05/10/2025 18:22

I second - get him a parking pass, a membership of a good gym, especially one which has a good cafe, and get DH to take him out for a drink/pub meal once a week.

It's not just that he's bothering you, it doesn't sound as though he's got much going on in his life if he's just hanging around your house most of the week.

DH can get him talking about his life on their weekly pub night and see if he's struggling with anything.

LBFseBrom · 05/10/2025 18:23

Chemenger · 04/10/2025 10:24

Buy him a parking permit as an early Christmas present?

I agree with that.

Tell him you are having friends round for dinner on some nights - I know you can't do that all the time but sometimes. Surely he has nights out occasionally.

allmymonkeys · 05/10/2025 18:36

When he gets back to his place, is he finding it lonely and bleak? I'd be a bit worried if a pleasant young man wanted to spend every single flipping evening with his Dad and his Stepmum.

One thing you could do is turf him out kindly but firmly at, say, six o'clock by saying you want to come and see how he's settling in. Physically take him home, that is, in the nicest possible way. Might be better coming from his Dad, I suppose; but anyway I suspect the problem is at that end rather than your making life too comfortable for him.When all is well people in their twenties do not choose wrinklies for everyday company.

And let his Dad sort the parking permit issue.

NefertitHR · 05/10/2025 18:43

Step mum to a 22 year old here who came into my life at 14.

I feel you exactly. But trust me, its a massive compliment to you, here! My boy is the same. I've even caught him wearing my baggy cardigan one day. No he's not lqbtq+ he is just in a comfortable place for the first time in his life. After 1 and a half years he calls me Mum (me all casual, slips to the loo and cries joyful snotty ugly happy tears because I've been chosen lol) and yeah, they buggers will get clingy and will ignore hints. Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE SAFE, LOVELY, HAPPY AND HOME!!! He's a mix of lonely, free loading, enjoying being part of a family unit and regression to teenage time.
Like my boy they want to be adults and are not yet ready. wow....but seriously come on dude? I had a mortgage at your age, degree and i was a regionalsales manager..... I had to be the adult here and have a mum and son chat.....and a year on,we are grand.
He even takes US to dinner on payday and sends us on long weekends for birthdays because we need 'adult time' and sniggers. Still has a bedroom full of dishes but can't win em all.

Throwawayaccount1 · 05/10/2025 18:50

This reminds me of my dad when my mum died. He would take absolutely all of our only free day and was oblivious that this amount of time became increasingly difficult for us as the months passed.

We got it, and understood why, it was about a year before he would go and do things.

I'm guessing he lives alone and finds it hugely lonely. The evening is always the hardest. See if you can find some activities there's interested in in that time slot. Hopefully it will result in friends etc and less pressure on you to fill the void.

Morgan37 · 05/10/2025 18:55

Twoshoesnewshoes · 04/10/2025 10:35

Get yourself an armchair?

The only sensible answer here. Family is family. They might not always be around. Relax with him there

ImSoPeopledOut · 05/10/2025 18:57

Morgan37 · 05/10/2025 18:55

The only sensible answer here. Family is family. They might not always be around. Relax with him there

Show quote history

Relax??

Having someone sitting there for 5 hours EVERY SINGLE EVENING?? 🙄

Teddybear23 · 05/10/2025 19:12

jungleball · 04/10/2025 10:34

Yes this is what we hope every day but then he comes on in.

Show quote history

change the lock

FlockofSquirrels · 05/10/2025 19:27

I have a lot of empathy for everyone in this situation.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Wanting alone time and time with just your DH is perfectly reasonable. And there's something that doesn't necessarily feel great about feeling like you're being used as a sort of social white noise rather than being visited/spent time with intentionally. Your DDS also sounds like he's not happy and thriving. The fact that he could park and walk home really does suggest that this isn't just about being tight or uncaring; he does seem to not want to sit at his home alone all the time, and I have been in that place. And your DH is likely worried about his son and absolutely never wants him to feel rejected by his own parents.

I think there's space to respect all of those things and handle this with compassion, but that doesn't mean you need to just choke down your own feelings and needs and let it continue as-is. I'd talk to your DH about both your feelings and the likelihood that your DSS isn't doing well and tell him the two of you need to come up with a plan to help everyone. He needs to have an honest conversation with his DSS and lay down some reasonable boundaries (asking him to join the two of you for the evening/dinner on set evenings or weekend sports viewing should help it not feel like a rejection) and talk to him about what's going on and ideas for him to help himself through whatever is going on.

FlockofSquirrels · 05/10/2025 19:27

Personally I suggest he consider getting a dog or cat. They're ideal for the sort of ambient home company he seems to be seeking and a dog would get him out walking. A hobby-based club/group and a weekend volunteer commitment would also help. My mid-twenties were a struggle in terms of mental health; I was done with education that always gave me clear goals to pursue and milestones (terms/years/levels) and I had a career but didn't quite know how I was supposed to build an adult life that felt rewarding. A lot of my relationships were in transition as people moved to different life-stages/styles that didn't quite line up and it was hard to figure out how to build new ones.

theleafandnotthetree · 05/10/2025 19:30

TiredMummma · 05/10/2025 17:44

I get you want your own space but he is also your family. I want date nights all the time on my own time but don’t get that choice because we had kids. It should be easy enough for your partner just to request that he doesn’t stay late on certain nights. It’s time to just treat him like actually family and be honest?

This is a 25 year old, not a child!

NovaF · 05/10/2025 19:31

Maybe let him walk in on you having ‘alone time’ with DH. Promise he will never invite himself round again!

Oftenaddled · 05/10/2025 19:33

Couldn't his dad suggest the two of them go around to his house sometimes? Tell him Friday is your date night, let his dad visit him a couple of evenings a week, and you've broken the pattern. But if you've treated him like family until now, withdrawing that will be really hurtful I suspect.

Hungrybrood · 05/10/2025 19:44

You sound lovely OP. Your DSS also sounds like a lovely person too, it doesnt sound like he's deliberately using your home or resources to be cheeky. I agree, it sounds like he is a bit lonely and feels like your home is a safe space and soft place to land. I'd take that as a compliment. I would feel the same as you, and find the intrusion difficult. He probably doesn't even think, and might be embarrassed if he was to be told bluntly. I think I would get your DH to have a quiet word and maybe say 'X night is now 'date night', please dont stay on this day'. At least you know you have a quiet night alone, and maybe he'll get the hint.