To be annoyed with step sons increased presence

[jungleball]

I have a lovely step son (25) who we enjoyed having at weekends all through his teens. He was 13 when I met Dh.

Since he moved out of his mums to a rental he popped in on a Sunday for a roast and that’s been lovely.

He has recently moved to a new rental with only permit parking only until 6pm, he doesn’t want to pay this so comes to our house every day as it’s just round the corner and parks on our drive until 6 when he can go home.

The problem is he doesn’t go home, he comes by every day at 4pm and lets himself in and sits there until about 9pm.
One night I had to ask him to go at 11pm as we were going to bed.
We only have room for a small 3 seater sofa so he sits there and I just potter around as there’s no room to sit down even though I’m tired after work and want to relax.

I would just like my evenings back the way they were and to enjoy him visiting when we plan.
Dh gets annoyed by him coming over all the time too but he doesn’t like to say anything so he just eye rolls at me while looking at the clock.
We had a nice evening planned last Friday night a takeaway and bottle of wine but he didn’t get the hint so it ended up being date night for 3.
I know I married a man with a son but I didn’t sign up for this constant intrusion, he’s never lived here yet recently he’s here more than he’s at home.
Dh asked if I wanted him to pick up some wine for this evening and my immediate thought was no because step son will probably be here all night.
I do genuinely love him to bits but I am finding his sudden constant presence a bit much.

It all started with this parking issue which I’ve offered to pay but he says he’s got the money but isn’t prepared to pay for parking as he’s at work all week.
He also parks here all weekend meaning he’s in and out all Saturday and Sunday too.
AIBU or just a miserable cow?

I agree with others that he’s probably a bit lonely.

You should definitely sit on your sofa btw

Can your DH have a chat with him and explain that whilst it’s nice to see him, everyday for quite so long is a bit much, in a nice way!

Is he eating at yours too? Could that be part of it?

I also think just parking at yours and walking home would be the thing to do.

Surely the parking permit is a bit of an excuse and buying him one is not the long term answer. His dad needs to have a friendly word with him to find out what's going on in his life. Does he have any hobbies or friends? Is he avoiding nasty neighbours? Doesn't like being on his own too much? Only you and your DH know what he's like.
It should be possible to ask for a bit more time and space in your own home without causing offence, even if it's on the pretence of needing a date night! However, sounds like he needs to find more of a social life for himself and become a bit more independent (and sensitive to the possible imposition). He'll still come for Sunday roast I expect.

Make him pay 'keep' equivalent to the parking charge.

Sounds like he is lonely. And enjoying spending time with you and his dad, which is lovely. But also not giving him motivation to find some other activities with people his age. And also frustrating for you as you can"t relax if you are hosting him every night.
Can you work out a schedule with him, say look we need a bit of time for date nightsz cleaning etc, so happy to have you for dinner on a tuesday and sunday. Either that or gently nudge him to find a social life, leaflets about the local gym, local pub pool or darts team etc. I would be suggesting to him he needs to get his own life and its not going to happen by hanging round with you and his dad every night. Some people hate their own company, but it sounds like he needs a nudge to find alternative people to spend his evenings with if he doesnt want to be alone.

I’m one of four and since we’ve been adults my mum’s favourite saying has been, ‘It’s nice to see you and it’s nice to see you go”, usually as we are leaving anyway but it serves as a reminder that even at 85 years old she still has things to be getting on with when we’re not in the way so we shouldn’t overstay the welcome.

As parents of adult children, we would have them back anytime they would want to be here. It is odd ha he is not going out with his friends and spending all his free time with you.
As others have suggested, I would start with his Dad telling him that you have a date night once a week. Tell him to move on the sofa. Have your own friends round, so he can clearly see that there is not enough room.

If he gets a partner it will all stop. But until then I would maybe buy a parking permit. Or get your dh to be a bit blunt some days.
He needs to just say do you mind not popping in this evening. We are having dinner/evening just the two of us.
Can you get an armchair ? Doesn't sound very practical to have just a sofa .

Charge him rent that equals the parking charge.

Could he not just park on the drive and then go home?

Oh yes, we didn’t see him for dust last time he had a girlfriend. That wasn’t very nice either.
Somewhere in the middle would be nice.

He does have friends, he spends most of the time he’s here looking at his phone.

Agree.

What about a Lodger at least he would have some company and earn money to pay for his parking.

I’d change the locks tbh.

but seriously, this is ok (ish) but if you’re planning a nice night in , just get DH to tell him it’s not convenient to pop by that night. Make some boundaries!

His father needs to stop being an immature passive aggressive wimp and lay down some boundaries.

Are you sure he has friends? As if he is at yours every night and all weekend too, when is he seeing his friends? Just because he spends all his time looking at his phone doesn’t mean he’s talking to anyone. He could be scrolling social media, playing games etc.

It’s too comfortable for him to just sit in your clean tidy well stocked house rather than go home and fend for himself!

You need to get the key back off him and put some boundaries in. Explain that you are wanting to have time to yourselves now and he’s welcome to use the drive but not just wander in and out of the house at will. At 25 he really needs to be developing independence and not just living in your pockets, otherwise he will just end up becoming yet another lazy incapable man child who will expect his future wife to run round doing everything at home because he’s too used to being looked after and not doing anything for himself. Yes he might be lonely as PPs have said but he won’t find friends if he’s just sitting around your house all the time!

Get DH to have a chat and check he is OK.

If there is no problem then time to cut this back. Buy the permit either way - that’s just weird. And get your key back.

Get his dad to tell him, " You know we love you and it's lovely to see you but every night is a bit much. You can leave your car on the drive and walk home, pop back and get it after 6. Or just buy a permit, as it's obvious you do need one?!" If he refuses to buy a permit, I'd buy him one for Christmas!

Id start by saying that you are having Friday nights as date nights (for example) and would like the house to yourselves. There us nothing at all wrong with that.

Thrn, sit on your sofa! Put what you want on the TV. Its your house. You dobt have to push him out but you must still live your life.

This.

I think you're lucky he wants to spend time with you. I suspect he's a bit lonely and if you love him, perhaps that will help you to re-frame your mind about it. Also, I'd be ashamed if my presumably adult husband expressed anything with an eye roll. I would tell him to stop.

I’d find that intrusive even if it was my own biological son!

it’s your house and you don’t want a visitor every evening. That’s quite ok.

My ds is 21 - so only a little younger - and still lives at home. But we have time apart in the evenings where by one of us will choose to spend time in our bedroom or one of the other potters. It would be stifling otherwise.

Does seem odd that if the parking is permit only until 6pm that he's at your house sometimes until long after 6, what time does he get home from work, surely he'd go straight home once the 6pm deadline is reached.

Also the weekend thing is strange, leaving his car at yours and poping in and out, does he ever go out in it and stay out all day?

If I had my own place I'd want to go straight there after work if only for some peace and quiet.

What time does the permit start, surely he doesn't get up early on a weekend/when he's not at work just to drive to yours to park and avoid the permit times.

There must be another reason..
As said is he lonely
OR
Maybe his neighbours are problematic.

This. PDA all the time 😁

Doesn't he realise you're not able to sit down in your own home because he's talking up space? Your DH needs to tell him.

I'd send him a text saying please don't come round this evening as we will be having raucous sex. That should be enough to put anyone off. 😁

Buying him a parking permit may be a more tactful option.