To be annoyed with step sons increased presence

[jungleball]

I have a lovely step son (25) who we enjoyed having at weekends all through his teens. He was 13 when I met Dh.

Since he moved out of his mums to a rental he popped in on a Sunday for a roast and that’s been lovely.

He has recently moved to a new rental with only permit parking only until 6pm, he doesn’t want to pay this so comes to our house every day as it’s just round the corner and parks on our drive until 6 when he can go home.

The problem is he doesn’t go home, he comes by every day at 4pm and lets himself in and sits there until about 9pm.
One night I had to ask him to go at 11pm as we were going to bed.
We only have room for a small 3 seater sofa so he sits there and I just potter around as there’s no room to sit down even though I’m tired after work and want to relax.

I would just like my evenings back the way they were and to enjoy him visiting when we plan.
Dh gets annoyed by him coming over all the time too but he doesn’t like to say anything so he just eye rolls at me while looking at the clock.
We had a nice evening planned last Friday night a takeaway and bottle of wine but he didn’t get the hint so it ended up being date night for 3.
I know I married a man with a son but I didn’t sign up for this constant intrusion, he’s never lived here yet recently he’s here more than he’s at home.
Dh asked if I wanted him to pick up some wine for this evening and my immediate thought was no because step son will probably be here all night.
I do genuinely love him to bits but I am finding his sudden constant presence a bit much.

It all started with this parking issue which I’ve offered to pay but he says he’s got the money but isn’t prepared to pay for parking as he’s at work all week.
He also parks here all weekend meaning he’s in and out all Saturday and Sunday too.
AIBU or just a miserable cow?

I agree. I hope my daughters always feel that they have a home here and they are welcome to be here at any time. My own Mum and Dad made me feel that they were always pleased to see me, and that I could go home at any point. I would be very sad if one of mine was lonely and didn’t feel as though I was happy have her at home with me.

Aw he sounds lonely OP. Could his dad not take dinner round his house for a night or two a week? Has he had girlfriends (or boyfriends) before? If so I imagine it’s only a matter of time before he finds someone and then you likely won’t see him for months!

It’s so hard when they’re not yours.. I don’t blame you, i’d feel exactly the same. But if it was my dd? In all honesty I’d be delighted she wanted to spend her time with us.

i wouldn’t tell him not to come at all, but maybe his dad could gently suggest you’d like a date night once a week?

At 25 a lot of young people still live at home full time, saving up for deposits/rentals. I have a 25 yo ds doing just that. Hard for you though.

My main concern here would be, is he alright?

The lad sounds lonely. I bet he would much rather be out with a girlfriend than sitting in with you two.
We have a 25 year old and a 23 year old here most nights.
Life is hard for young men at the moment. I'd make him welcome and know that this isn't forever.

This makes me so sad!

He’s just enjoying the company.
You say it’s only a recent thing, so the novelty will soon wear off.

For now, just get DH to make it clear that you guys are having a date night etc ahead of time so he’s aware.

As a PP suggested, getting him a permit for a Xmas present is a nice idea too.

We all go through stages where we need a bit more support and he’s just going through his.

I remember when we were younger and my older sister first moved out of our family home to her own flat. At first, she was still around almost every evening!! It kind of felt like she hadn’t moved out. Then, slowly but surely, as she got used to living by herself etc, and her visits became a lot more infrequent. It could just be he’s still adjusting to the change, and views yours as a sanctuary, while of course getting used to needing to do a weekly shop, not having people around etc. I’d certainly advise not saying anything or making him feel unwelcome (which could inevitably damage or leave a lasting stain on the relationship), and ride it out. Parental relationships don’t end when they’re of an age when they move out after all!

😅

This is very sad. Buy him something to sit on. Ask him not to come on date nights. Maybe his father could take him out once a week?

That's what I was going to suggest. Lots of slurping and maybe a bit of petting 😂

Can you not just talk to him? If you say nothing of course he'll think the situation is a-okay with everyone.

Agree with PP that he’s probably lonely, and you should start to carve out one evening a week where it’s just you and DH.

To soften the blow, maybe your DH could suggest doing something just him and SS occasionally… and then drop in that e.g. Friday nights are his one on one time with you.

Also second telling him to move up when you want to sit on the sofa. “Move up, SS, I’ve had a long day and like to sit down too!”

This. Please do this and report back to us

I miss my son not living at home anymore. I would love him to call in every day.

Is he getting fed every night? That could be part of the appeal… 😳

No no no. Stop this now, take key away. Set boundaries. He's not 13

He's lonely, he likes seeing his dad. Obviously every night is too much so just give him boundaries such as 'fine to leave the car and come for food on such and such days but Thursday and Fri <or whenever> we're having friends round so if you could just drop the car off then?'

Buying him a permit when he can surely afford one would be an obvious snub and hurtful. He's using it as as excuse to see his dad and that is a good thing, with limits in place.

I find this quite sad, when I was younger and moved out at 18, I moved away and came back when I was 26, I went to see my mum every evening, and her partner didn’t mind at all, I had my own key as mum always said to all of 3 of us, you are still my children and if you want to come round you come round any time you want, I loved going to see my mum, and now I’m 35 and she’s no longer with us but even if she was still here she would still say the same “it don’t matter how old you are you are all my babies”

Yes, one of ours is moving out soon they've said they'll call home all the time whicn we're very happy about. The ops poor ds is gone by 9pm not like he's there til 2am, plenty of time for wine and 'date nights' after he's gone surely.

Definitely, my mum made it very clear to us all, but she was just like that and if my step dad ever moaned she would tell him to go upstairs 🤣 which use to crack me up, he would only say it as a joke “oh god she’s here again” as I would be there all the time in the evenings as times like now I don’t get the chance to do that again, so I just find this sad. And when my little boy is older and moved out I would want him to see me all the time and if it meant he came round every night so be it, my mum would cook me dinner all the time she wouldn’t care in the slightest!

Especially as the nights draw in and it’s cold. It sounds as though he enjoys being around you and his Dad.

Me too. I would love that.

Providing there are no obvious mental health problems?
I would either ask his dad to specifically box off one or two nights that you don’t want to be disturbed. Or,
Mine don’t have a key unless they reside in my house. I could be doing anything and don’t like people just walking in whoever they are.
family is family but it is ok to have some boundaries. He has probably just got used to the status quo and needs a gentle reminder you need some alone time.

That's a harsh but true one. My brother ar 25 had a girlfriend, both worked, shared housework etc. Fully grown , noone is a lad. That's a man

I'd also be worried that sitting in his dad's tiny front room isn't going to help if he is lonely and potentially depressed.

His dad needs to have a chat, not only to ring fence one night a week as "date night" but more importantly to see if everything is okay with his son. It's highly likely that the 25 year old would like to be around people his own age sometimes but has got out of the habit.

Dad suggesting a drink in the pub with adult son would get him out of the house and around people again, and maybe there's a chance he'd get chatting to someone or bump into an old school friend or something that might lead to widening his social network a tiny bit.

Although I hate the dog as a panacea for everything trend, if he can afford doggy daycare or whatever then adopting a friendly adult dog would also not only give him company at home, but get him out walking it and to training classes and get him chatting to random people.