To be annoyed with step sons increased presence

[jungleball]

I have a lovely step son (25) who we enjoyed having at weekends all through his teens. He was 13 when I met Dh.

Since he moved out of his mums to a rental he popped in on a Sunday for a roast and that’s been lovely.

He has recently moved to a new rental with only permit parking only until 6pm, he doesn’t want to pay this so comes to our house every day as it’s just round the corner and parks on our drive until 6 when he can go home.

The problem is he doesn’t go home, he comes by every day at 4pm and lets himself in and sits there until about 9pm.
One night I had to ask him to go at 11pm as we were going to bed.
We only have room for a small 3 seater sofa so he sits there and I just potter around as there’s no room to sit down even though I’m tired after work and want to relax.

I would just like my evenings back the way they were and to enjoy him visiting when we plan.
Dh gets annoyed by him coming over all the time too but he doesn’t like to say anything so he just eye rolls at me while looking at the clock.
We had a nice evening planned last Friday night a takeaway and bottle of wine but he didn’t get the hint so it ended up being date night for 3.
I know I married a man with a son but I didn’t sign up for this constant intrusion, he’s never lived here yet recently he’s here more than he’s at home.
Dh asked if I wanted him to pick up some wine for this evening and my immediate thought was no because step son will probably be here all night.
I do genuinely love him to bits but I am finding his sudden constant presence a bit much.

It all started with this parking issue which I’ve offered to pay but he says he’s got the money but isn’t prepared to pay for parking as he’s at work all week.
He also parks here all weekend meaning he’s in and out all Saturday and Sunday too.
AIBU or just a miserable cow?

Hoping won’t help!

You need to explain to him how you feel.

You (or preferably his dad) should be having a chat with him. 25yo should have a separate life to their parents. I would be worried about lack of social life, hobbies etc

Personally, I think this is one of the things you kind of just have to accept with kids. Even adult ones. They are sensitive to feeling unwanted and so if he's there all the time, I think it's likely that he feels lonely or sad about something and the parking is an excuse.

Id buy a bigger sofa and if you want a date night, tell him in advance or go out for dinner.

Eventually he'll sort himself out and things will change.

It does sound like he is lonely, but has this only happened since he moved nearer to you? Is the parking issue a red herring?
At 26 does he not see friends ever? No evenings or weekends? Doesn't have a hobby or go to footy / rugby games or the pub with his mates?
You do need some boundaries, and it's up to your DH to start putting these in place. As a PP said I would start by saying Tuesday / Friday nights are your nights (or whichever suit you) and he'll have to go straight home. He's fine to park at yours, if that's ok with yous, but he has to go home. Perhaps say you'd love to have him Sundays and Wednesday evenings no questions asked but can he leave by 7pm on other nights He's there?
A tricky situation but I think an honest conversation between him and DH might will get to the bottom of it.

He sounds lonely. He's reaching out for company.

tricky one, and I don't think you should just tell him to go home as he may be lonely, and you don't stop being a parent when the kids move out.

BUT don't pussy foot around him, kick him off the sofa and watch your programmes etc, get your own food and snacks, if he wants to spend time round at yours then he should be welcome to but he needs to fit in with what you and dh are doing, not the other way around.

You've obviously spent time over the years making it lovely and welcoming for him and he prefers your house to his now, you need to start slowly scaling it back, he's not a child anymore who needs his even need catered for, he's an adult who is welcome but not at the cost of you and DH putting your lives on hold forever.

Really DH should be handling this tactfully.

He needs to understand that you need down time and that this is just not on. Every night is OTT. Why has your Dh not spoken to him?

I think if he’s not taking the hint then you need to make it clearer. Tell him you love seeing him but you need some time alone as a couple either after 6pm or a few times a week. It’s perfectly reasonable to want time alone and if you phrase it like that it sounds like you’ll be having sex so he will probably happily make himself scarce. I do have empathy for him feeling lonely but you can’t be his sole source of company/entertainment/food

I agree with buying him a parking permit.

Also I’d arrange to have ‘date night’ out of the house some Friday nights (even if it’s waiting it out at McDonalds with a coffee for an hour). It might be a ball ache to actually do that when you just want to relax at home but it might prompt him that he can’t just expect company every time. Start to make it a little less comfortable - have your own programmes on, sit on your own sofa, make your own tea etc.

My own son age 25 comes home and thinks nothing of imposing himself but we put up with it because we don’t see him often. He is oblivious to it so it’s not malicious, but they are quite selfish and unthinking. You need to be too.

It sounds like he's lonely and struggling to go back to an empty flat. I can totally understand it's frustrating but also I'd be empathic and tread carefully.

I agree with this, sorry. I may be in the minority but my kids are welcome to come home any time. I can understand that every night may be annoying you but he is probably feeling lonely and telling him he’s not welcome would def make things worse for him. I’m sure things will change eventually but maybe support him through this period and get a chair so that there is enough space for everyone. As above if you want a date night let him know in advance or go out one night every week and tell him on this night it’s best he goes home as you’ll be out.

Most of my DC’s are still at home, one has left for uni, but also one DC is slightly older that your stepson and still living at home due to disabilities. I am sure my other DC’s will be at home for a long time as well. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your views, being a parent doesn’t end at 18.

Just because he didn’t live full time with his father previously doesn’t mean it was any less him home when he was there or that his father shouldn’t support him now,

Buy SS a parking permit and also a membership at a gym or swimming pool nearby where there is parking.
He needs to be out and about and bumping into peers or he will end up lonely and antisocial.
Other suggestions of what he can do from 4 - 6 every night:
Go to the supermarket.
Help in the kitchen of a charity.
Park near a jogging track and start walking.
Walk your dog.

Why is a young man wanting to spend his time with you and your husband when he has his own place?

It can’t be much fun for him so I wonder if he is depressed or has something going on that is making him do this?

You have to all sit down and ask him and say that it’s too much just die him to be there every day unless there is some temporary major problem.

I agree he sounds lonely. I think it's fine for him to come round to his dad's in the evening. If it was your child you'd probably be fine with it.

Do you have any friends or relatives with young children who would appreciate a break? Maybe you could offer to babysit them a few afternoons/evenings at yours and rope DSS in to entertain them 😂?

He might appreciate his own home a bit more after that.

@jungleball Are you cooking dinner for him every evening?

Maybe he comes round to yours as he doesn't want to be bothered with cooking/washing up?

No he makes his dinner in the slow cooker before work and always has that to go home to so he doesn’t want dinner with us.
He might make some cheese on toast for a snack but doesn’t expect a meal.

I would buy him the parking permit.

Your partner also needs to speak up. I get he doesn't want to tell him to stop coming over every night. But when you were supposed to be having a date night, that was the time to say "not tonight, we have plans". He's 25yrs old, he would have understood.

Sounds like a good plan.

I’d buy him the permit.

Agree with this. It's not about making him feel unwelcome. The fact that he has a key and comes and goes as he pleases means you are clearly not the type of family to make him feel unwelcome.

But boundaries are always useful.

Get DH to talk to him and say that on XXX night we have plans for just @jungleball and I so I am afraid we wont be able to have you over.

Gradually increase the nights from 1 and then a few months later to 2.

Agree with other suggestions re getting more seating OR just not minimising yourself in your home.

If you have a TV show you want to watch, say it politely but unapologetically.

If you want to sit down on the sofa - say so until you can get more seating.

It's not cruel to have boundaries.

And if he IS lonely, you will much better placed to support him with that if you are not resentful of his constant presence.

You will be much more able to be empathetic to any issues around depression / loneliness / lack of hobbies if you are secure in the knowledge that you do have some ring-fenced time for your own relaxation and to re-connect with your DH.

Is he eating dinner with you every night? It's definitely too much and your DH needs to speak to him.

ETA I posted before I saw OP's post about him just having a snack and eating a slow-cooked meal when he gets home.

Your DH does need to speak to him to tell him that he is welcome in your home but not every night. He needs to build a friendship group. Doesn't he have any friends from school or University?

He sounds lonely, and is he struggling to get used to living on his own? Does he know how to cook or is he having dinner with you every night?

It is no good carrying on being annoyed but doing it in silence. What is the point of that?
Tell DH either he speaks to DS or you will - and give DH a deadline.

Or, decide no longer to be annoyed - decide that you are happy to have DS round every evening helping himself to snacks and taking up space.
But if that is not possible, if you know you will carry on being annoyed, then speak up and stand up for yourself.

why does he have a key to your home?!
he doesn't live there. it's rude of him to just let himself in whenever he feels like it. It needs to be made clear that the key is for emergencies only, and that he needs to communicate with you about when he's planning to visit/ check that it's a good time for you...