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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would your husband react to coming home and finding ex sat in the kitchen?

275 replies

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:03

how would your husband react to this….

You and your newly married husband decide to go on a date as you have been a bit like passing ships due to work commitments.

Husband very apologetically cancels. And you accept that.

Very last minute you decide you’re not going to stay in and get a takeaway you will go out as you’re only young once (I’m 31). After having wfh for a few days and not really left the house. You message around and one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore. You only dated for 6 months and were friends for many years before dating. And still are.

You agree ex will pick you up. As you finish curling your hair your husband comes home. He has not checked his phone where you informed him of everything that is going on.

The marriage is very heathy. Controlling behaviour and possessiveness is not really accepted by either party.

How would your husband feel/react in this situation?

Husband is aware his wife has never cheated and would never after having a very traumatic experience involving infidelity

OP posts:
WoodenBoat80 · 04/10/2025 14:23

I don’t really see how having a bad or insecure reaction to your husband or wife going out for dinner alone with an ex would be considered controlling like you insinuate in your post.
People aren’t robots, they have insecurities, they feel jealous, they’re sometimes abit needy, all of those feelings in this situation would be justified.
I am married to a man who co parents and maintains a good relationship with his ex wife…
They speak, text, go to parents evenings together, we as a group have shared birthday parties and Christmas mornings for the sake of there daughter.. All fine with me. If I got home and he told me he was of out to dinner with her, just the two of them… I wouldn’t be okay with that and I don’t know anyone that would.

Ariela · 04/10/2025 14:25

I'd have a) told DH who I'm going with beforehand, and b) would not have faffed with dressing up/make up. If DH had come home early we'd all have gone.

But then I'm more likely to go out with male friends than female as I just happen to have more male friends (of over 30 years) than female, however these days more likely to be lunch than evening!

72toolbelt · 04/10/2025 14:26

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:03

how would your husband react to this….

You and your newly married husband decide to go on a date as you have been a bit like passing ships due to work commitments.

Husband very apologetically cancels. And you accept that.

Very last minute you decide you’re not going to stay in and get a takeaway you will go out as you’re only young once (I’m 31). After having wfh for a few days and not really left the house. You message around and one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore. You only dated for 6 months and were friends for many years before dating. And still are.

You agree ex will pick you up. As you finish curling your hair your husband comes home. He has not checked his phone where you informed him of everything that is going on.

The marriage is very heathy. Controlling behaviour and possessiveness is not really accepted by either party.

How would your husband feel/react in this situation?

Husband is aware his wife has never cheated and would never after having a very traumatic experience involving infidelity

Totally made up story for Mumsnet 😂😂

MissBattleaxe · 04/10/2025 14:26

OP I can't believe that a) you invited your husband out on your date and b) you still went out with the ex anyway!

You showed more consideration for the ex and his travel arrangements than you did for the man you married. It's appalling behaviour.

Bruisername · 04/10/2025 14:42

brunettemic · 04/10/2025 13:25

I love how MN can make everything get man’s fault 🙄😂

Show quote history

I didn’t mean that - I meant the story isn’t plausible!

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 04/10/2025 14:55

You are clearly desperate to find posters who agree with you that you didn’t do anything wrong OP, but it will not change the fact that YOUR HUSBAND isn’t happy about it.
Why does anyone else’s opinion matter here?! You need to learn how to communicate with your husband, talk through why he feels unhappy about it, listen to him, self reflect, explain your own views, and find a solution together without anger, recriminations or accusations. In other words, be a grown up in a grown up relationship.
Random opinions from MN strangers will not help you with this

Bepo77 · 04/10/2025 14:56

I imagine he'd be fuming, as he should?

ContraversialDo · 04/10/2025 15:03

Was this ex immediately prior to your DH? How long have you been with your husband.

You sound like a total game player.

MayaPinion · 04/10/2025 15:03

If I came home from work to find my DH getting all gussied up to go out on the tiles with his ex I’d be furious. No, that just wouldn’t happen.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 04/10/2025 15:04

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:13

Yes, we regularly grab drinks after work. Once or twice a month. Husband has a very unsocial job so I have to be quite independent and self sufficient

Show quote history

Maybe your DH sees this being a bit different to coming home to his own home and finding his wife's ex sat in his kitchen.
Especially when his wife thinks he's not going to be home for a good while.

And you still went out with your ex..
I'm not surprised your DH isn't best pleased.

At the very least the ex, if that much of a friend, should have stepped back and offered to catch up another time.

OwlIceCrem · 04/10/2025 15:04

It doesn’t matter if you were or weren’t going to shag the ex- it’s just weird. I wouldn’t want my DH going out with an ex. Neither of us are remotely jealous or possessive of each other- what would bother me would be the weirdness.

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 04/10/2025 15:05

Why did your husband cancel the date and then come home early? Was it because he was tired? If so, then a takeaway on the sofa with him would have been like an indoors date! You don't have to leave the house to have a date night, indeed, there are plenty of advantages to being indoors. YABU.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/10/2025 15:05

Me and DP both have friends who are exes, in fact we have one who has dated us both in the past! (Toys r us was a hotbed of workplace relationships!)

We've had no issues with this, but that's because neither of us takes the piss. We don't see exes one on one, we don't invite them round our house while our partner isn't there. We have limits on reminiscing about certain past activities. These aren't rules we've ever had to lay out, and it's not about a lack of trust, its just common sense that if you respect your partner, you don't go doing anything date like or too cosy with your ex.

Tdcp · 04/10/2025 15:07

I'm open minded and not a jealous person but if my husbands recent ex was sat at our table while he was getting ready to go out for a meal together, and when he thought I wouldn't be back from work yet, he'd be getting more than the word your husband gave you. There must be something very wrong in your relationship if you're looking for an out like this.

Yesiamtiredactually · 04/10/2025 15:18

Whaney · 04/10/2025 13:20

I get it could look a bit shit from the outside but like I said I have never even come close to cheating. It’s just not in my nature. I hoped I would be in a marriage where I was completely trusted.

You couldn’t be missing the point more, you really need to stop trying to point the finger at the idea of your husband not completely trusting that your replacement for an intimate meal to reconnect with your husband was an intimate meal with your ex boyfriend because your husband was working later than originally planned, was all purely platonic now. Even though obviously a few ago you’d have been out together like that except as a couple..
please at least try to look past yourself and consider your husbands thoughts and feelings. It’s not about him not trusting your previously romantic now platonic relationship with this man, it’s how you immediately replacing his company with your ex’s and you act like you had no choice and your husband is entirely wrong?
honestly you must see the absurdity of what you’re saying?

ChristmasFluff · 04/10/2025 15:19

When I was newly married I'd rather have stayed in to see my husband at 9.30 than go out with an ex.

Agree with others - your marriage is not in a good place and your lack of empathy for your husband is contributing to that.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 04/10/2025 15:26

You sound spoiled, selfish and immature.

daisychain01 · 04/10/2025 15:28

You have extremely poor judgement and it doesn't matter what anyone else's husband would do or think, you've put yourself in a bad situation which will have broken trust with your DH.

how you fix it is your concern, over to you, you're a grown adult, a married adult, so use your critical thinking skills and stop being so daft.

Overthewaytwice · 04/10/2025 15:30

I don't know how DH would react but I'd be really pissed off if I came home to find him getting ready for a 1:1 meal with his ex.

Hello39 · 04/10/2025 15:32

Why did your dh cancel the date and then come home in time for one anyway?

Does he expect you to sit at home and wait until he has time?

Trendyname · 04/10/2025 15:35

Whaney · 04/10/2025 13:20

I get it could look a bit shit from the outside but like I said I have never even come close to cheating. It’s just not in my nature. I hoped I would be in a marriage where I was completely trusted.

It’s just not in my nature.

So what? That gives you a free pass to date your ex? Going to pub mum cannot be compared to going with an ex.

Also the fact, you had 6 months sexual relationship but you keep going to this man in times of need like when felt lonely during Covid and now when a plan cancelled with husband of all people you choose him, it’s understandable your husband is feeling insecure about him.

Also to think one evening staying at home is wasting life on sofa, which can only be rescued by spending evening with ex in pub is a bit self centred. Why did you marry your husband if you think his job is unsocial and you need other people to fill the gap?

Trendyname · 04/10/2025 15:40

WoodenBoat80 · 04/10/2025 14:23

I don’t really see how having a bad or insecure reaction to your husband or wife going out for dinner alone with an ex would be considered controlling like you insinuate in your post.
People aren’t robots, they have insecurities, they feel jealous, they’re sometimes abit needy, all of those feelings in this situation would be justified.
I am married to a man who co parents and maintains a good relationship with his ex wife…
They speak, text, go to parents evenings together, we as a group have shared birthday parties and Christmas mornings for the sake of there daughter.. All fine with me. If I got home and he told me he was of out to dinner with her, just the two of them… I wouldn’t be okay with that and I don’t know anyone that would.

Op is the one who is trying to be controlling by wanting to punish her husband for being upset. She is training him to walk on egg shells or face the consequence. She wants full freedom which you can only enjoy as a single.

Trendyname · 04/10/2025 15:42

Hello39 · 04/10/2025 15:32

Why did your dh cancel the date and then come home in time for one anyway?

Does he expect you to sit at home and wait until he has time?

She can’t wait one evening and had to rush to ex to fill that gap? They are supposed to be newly married. Op is coming across as emotionally detached to her husband if she cannot empathise with him on this.

MeAndTheDoggo · 04/10/2025 15:44

In no way this is normal! Sorry! It would be the remote to myself and a brew. I trust my husband but I think this would be a weird line to cross if he did it, so therefore I wouldn't dream of it myself.

Matronic6 · 04/10/2025 15:45

I think my husband would be annoyed in this situation. Strange you wanted to get out and about yet you actually couldn't really be bothered to do that just wanted to head to your local. The fact that your ex was willing to go to such lengths to accommodate this situation could actually be indicative of his feelings about you. He took two tubes and a train then went to your house to pick you up despite just going to your local which presumably you're more than capable of getting to by yourself.

Drop the faux naivety, you were well aware of what you were doing.