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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would your husband react to coming home and finding ex sat in the kitchen?

275 replies

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:03

how would your husband react to this….

You and your newly married husband decide to go on a date as you have been a bit like passing ships due to work commitments.

Husband very apologetically cancels. And you accept that.

Very last minute you decide you’re not going to stay in and get a takeaway you will go out as you’re only young once (I’m 31). After having wfh for a few days and not really left the house. You message around and one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore. You only dated for 6 months and were friends for many years before dating. And still are.

You agree ex will pick you up. As you finish curling your hair your husband comes home. He has not checked his phone where you informed him of everything that is going on.

The marriage is very heathy. Controlling behaviour and possessiveness is not really accepted by either party.

How would your husband feel/react in this situation?

Husband is aware his wife has never cheated and would never after having a very traumatic experience involving infidelity

OP posts:
Somerford · 04/10/2025 15:45

You're married and you're 31 years old. You really ought to be much more mature than this at your age, your behaviour is embarrassing. Grow up.

Theoturkeyfliesnorthwest · 04/10/2025 15:51

Mine would not be happy
I can imagine he would be telling the ex at the door to fuck of
But I'd never do that anyway,it's a bit of a shitty thing to do to your other half

someonethatyoulovetoomuch · 04/10/2025 15:59

I just don’t see the issue with staying in til 9pm for one Friday night! And that’s a lot of travel for your ex to come for a couple of drinks. If I met up with an “ex” now, I don’t think DH would be too fussed because we’ve been married for 11 years. If done it 11 years ago he’d have been incredibly unimpressed.

DressOrSkirt · 04/10/2025 16:03

Whaney · 04/10/2025 13:20

I get it could look a bit shit from the outside but like I said I have never even come close to cheating. It’s just not in my nature. I hoped I would be in a marriage where I was completely trusted.

Why does not wanting you to go on a date to dinner alone with your ex equal not trusting you?
I assume he just doesn't want you to go on a date to dinner alone with your ex.

AngelinaFibres · 04/10/2025 16:06

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:13

Yes, we regularly grab drinks after work. Once or twice a month. Husband has a very unsocial job so I have to be quite independent and self sufficient

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Going out with a man you used to shag is not being self sufficient and independent. Its attaching yourself to a man you used to shag because the man you are now shaggjng is at work. Really odd behaviour

Marylou2 · 04/10/2025 16:08

Yo'allrightmate? Said all as one word probably.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2025 16:09

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:13

Yes, we regularly grab drinks after work. Once or twice a month. Husband has a very unsocial job so I have to be quite independent and self sufficient

Show quote history

Independent and self sufficient doesn’t have to involve having regular dates with an ex. It’s disrespectful and I’m not surprised your DH was off with you. You’re married and your posts reek of dissatisfaction, which is probably what your DH is picking up on. How would you feel if the situation were reversed ? If you can say unequivocally that you would have no misgivings seeing your DH’s ex dressed up to go out and your DH dressing for the occasion, you’re deluded.

Toofficeornot · 04/10/2025 16:15

Would not be acceptable in our relationship. Husband would blow a gasket.
But I am not friends with any of my exes.
Your updates sound more like your ex is actually a friend who you happened to date a while back and this is already known and accepted in your relationship. Therefore, if its normal for you to hang out with this person then it shoudn't be weird that he is in your kitchen.
It would be weird in mine as I havent spoken to any exes for over a decade so I would have had to hunt them down and ask them on a date then tell them my address and ask them to come round. So in my relationship that would be pretty much like me intending to cheat.

Arlanymor · 04/10/2025 16:19

Your ex was in his house. In his house. You might meet up once or twice a month for drinks. But don’t bring the memories to his house. You know this is weird and unfair. And yet you did it on purpose.

Yesiamtiredactually · 04/10/2025 16:29

DressOrSkirt · 04/10/2025 16:03

Why does not wanting you to go on a date to dinner alone with your ex equal not trusting you?
I assume he just doesn't want you to go on a date to dinner alone with your ex.

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And another thing… you probably WERE completely trusted, which included not going out to dinner dates with previous romantic partners, I’d be quite sure that the trust in my marriage extends to that scenario (not that it’s ever been tested because neither of us are self absorbed or incapable of empathy for the other). However that item you used to be trusted about has now been removed so goodness knows what other questions are going around in your husbands mind now.

SockFluffInTheBath · 04/10/2025 16:34

Whaney · 04/10/2025 13:20

I get it could look a bit shit from the outside but like I said I have never even come close to cheating. It’s just not in my nature. I hoped I would be in a marriage where I was completely trusted.

Oh it does, I promise you. It looks very shit from the outside.

You come across as a bit of a manipulative attention seeker. Why would your new husband have an issue with being replaced on date night by your ex? I can’t think. You sound like hard work OP.

Ponderingwindow · 04/10/2025 16:34

Well I used to do just this with my ex from a brief relationship that I was just friends with during my first marriage. I’m on my second marriage now. That friend and I have been happily married for over 20 years.

Happyjoe · 04/10/2025 16:42

If someone is going to have an affair, no amount of worry, mistrust, jealousy or whatever will change that fact. If hubby is mature enough and trusts his wife to behave, then good for him. If she's a cow enough to betray that trust then she needs to go and doesn't deserve him.

You either trust someone or you don't. I'd like to think getting married they trust each other.

BunnyLake · 04/10/2025 16:42

You’re doing yourself up (curling your hair), you’ve brought your ex into you and your dh’s home and why are you writing in strange sentences? You keep saying you instead of I, as if to distance yourself from your behaviour, just describe the scenario properly. I think there is something iffy about you and your motivations.

jacks11 · 04/10/2025 16:46

InBedBy10 · 04/10/2025 13:09

Your ex took 2 tubes and a train for a last minute night out. Come on OP, you might not have feelings for him but I'd put money on him having feelings for you.

As your husband got home unexpectedly early, I think he was hoping to have your much needed night out afterall. Instead he found his wife getting ready to go out with another man. I can understand his upset. Inviting him along as a 3rd wheel to you and ex is not the same as a romantic night with his wife.

I think that this may be an issue- your ex/friend did a lot of travel at short notice for a last minute night out. I do believe that you can be absolutely platonic friends with members of the opposite, but it’s not uncommon for one party to have more romantic feelings (even if they are not intending to act on them) and I’ve known a few where the other party was well aware and quite liked the back up/knowing that there was someone who felt like this for them, so you need to be aware of this. When this person is an ex-partner, it does put on an additional layer of complexity, if I’m honest.

How sure are you that this is as platonic as you seem to think? And are you also quite liking the attention/willingness of him to drop everything for you (even if you have no romantic intentions)? If either is true, perhaps your husband has picked up on it. He might be feel he can’t really kick up a fuss- because he does not want to appear to be controlling, or because he wants to trust in you.

I think in your husband’s place, I think I would be uncomfortable with this situation. I would hope my husband would have a bit more emotional intelligence than you appear to be displaying. Can you really not see why he would be unhappy/feel insecure with the situation?

Okiedokie123 · 04/10/2025 16:48

I think yabvu. Him not being happy about you going out with an ex isn’t possessive behaviour . Can you truly say you would be okay if he did the same with an ex?

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 04/10/2025 16:57

HelpMeUnpickThis · 04/10/2025 11:30

VERY manipulative. And lacking in self awareness. No acknowledgement whatsoever of all the replies or the outcome of the poll; just repeated self justification.

And now @Whaney you are suggesting your DH is possessive? Are you serious?

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This.

Devious and faux naive innocence

Do you also say things like "I didn't call you a bitch, I said you were being a bitch" and think you've justified yourself.

Neemie · 04/10/2025 16:58

I think both me and my husband would find this a bit disrespectful, so neither of us would do it to the other one. It isn’t just about infidelity, it is also about considering each other’s feelings.

ainsleysanob · 04/10/2025 16:58

SockFluffInTheBath · 04/10/2025 16:34

Oh it does, I promise you. It looks very shit from the outside.

You come across as a bit of a manipulative attention seeker. Why would your new husband have an issue with being replaced on date night by your ex? I can’t think. You sound like hard work OP.

Show quote history

Exactly. She wants to be in a marriage where she is completely trusted but doesn’t want to be in a marriage where her husband is completely respected.

Gremlins101 · 04/10/2025 17:04

My husband would think it very strange if our date was cancelled and instead I got ready and went out with my ex. I think that would be crossing his boundaries and by the same token, if I came home tired from work to find my husband getting ready to go out with an ex, that wouldn't be appropriate in my eyes.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 04/10/2025 17:05

I too thought that the length in which the ex travelled was a bit of a distance just to spend a few hours having dinner with the OP.

Wonder if your DH had the same thoughts.

I'm still stumped that the OPer asked the DH if he'd like to join them yet when he declined OPer and the ex quite happily walked out the door to continue with their dinner date leaving the DH was stood there.

Really very strange...especially as all the OPer seems miffed about is having to of rushed their dinner.

PopcornKitten · 04/10/2025 17:06

imo you are being unreasonable. I would be livid if I came home and found another woman sitting in my home in the circumstances you describe. This is about respect and considering the feelings of the other person. It would appear that the feelings of the friend matter more than the feelings of your husband.
I also agree with the other posters who have suggested that your ex is still into you. He’s gone to a lot of effort for a spontaneous meet down your local.
if you had to go out, for fear of rotting otherwise (wtf!) then go out with a girlfriend. And communicate with your husband first.

IkeaJesusChrist · 04/10/2025 17:07

I'd hit the roof if my husband did this.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/10/2025 17:09

I think you got the reaction that you had hoped for.
Some people love the drama. 🙄

BunnyLake · 04/10/2025 17:17

Come on OP admit it, you like the attention of other men and you want your husband to be fully aware of it.