How would your husband react to coming home and finding ex sat in the kitchen?

[Whaney]

how would your husband react to this….

You and your newly married husband decide to go on a date as you have been a bit like passing ships due to work commitments.

Husband very apologetically cancels. And you accept that.

Very last minute you decide you’re not going to stay in and get a takeaway you will go out as you’re only young once (I’m 31). After having wfh for a few days and not really left the house. You message around and one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore. You only dated for 6 months and were friends for many years before dating. And still are.

You agree ex will pick you up. As you finish curling your hair your husband comes home. He has not checked his phone where you informed him of everything that is going on.

The marriage is very heathy. Controlling behaviour and possessiveness is not really accepted by either party.

How would your husband feel/react in this situation?

Husband is aware his wife has never cheated and would never after having a very traumatic experience involving infidelity

I think you need to join the WI or a book club

I thought it was drinks though, with a long-standing friend who had relatively briefly also been a romantic interest, not a date. I think the OP has been quite clear about that. Of course, calling it a date does cast it in a different light, but intention matters and if she regularly meets with this friend (who also happens to be an ex) and it’s not previously been intended or cast or construed as dating, then I can’t see why it would start being dating now.

OP - you say you regularly go out with your ex so why is your DH upset about this instance? What made this so different when he’s normally ok with it?

Could it be because you had assigned it as date night and maybe he’d tried really hard to get home earlier than usual so you could still enjoy the evening together, albeit not exactly what you’d originally planned? And then he gets home to find you getting ready to go out on “date night” with your ex so combined, it was all a bit too much?

Maybe he’s not mad keen on you seeing ex usually but just hasn’t shown it until now.

I think lots of people would feel that way. What matters here though is how the OP and her husband feel. If she’s previously seen this ex quite often as a friend and it’s not been seen as an issue by either partner, then she couldn’t have anticipated that her husband would start objecting to it now. (If I’ve missed a comment though where the OP says that her husband has previously objected, then apologies).

Some people are friends with exes and it’s fine. My mum and her ex-husband have been friends for over thirty years since they split, and our respective families (both parties remarried and had children) would occasionally stay with each other when we were growing up. I appreciate that it’s a relatively uncommon situation but lots of people are friends with exes in some capacity. It’s completely down to how the people involved feel.

Obviously we don’t have the full context - the OP may be misrepresenting the situation or husband may always have felt unhappy about this but been afraid to speak up for some reason. Or the husband himself may be being a bit controlling.

These are thoughtful points.

Sounds like a totally slapper!
would be different if they were there to see their children, not to go out for a meal!

Ok I'm going to take you at face value. You had no spiteful intentions. You simply view this man as a friend and a brief sexual relationship shouldn't change the nature of years of friendship.

The problem is - for the vast majority of men - it DOES change the nature of your friendship. I can almost guarantee that while you're feelings towards him are the same as they ever were, he now sees you as a woman he has slept with. And let's say it is one of those extremely rare occasions that it's not the case; your HUSBAND sees him as someone you once slept with.

Look in a perfect world we could all take people at their word but your husband is human. He might be ok with this friendship but he has limits. You have pushed them.

Also, he could have rushed home even though it was inconvenient and wanted to make it up to you and instead he was confronted with this seemingly silly game.

Even if you weren't playing games, as evidenced on this thread, it looks like you were. So your husband should not be labelled jealous or controlling for feeling how he felt.

You may need to have an honest conversation on what's acceptable to you both. Compromise may be necessary. Perhaps he wants you to dial down this friendship. Are you prepared to prioritise his feelings and do that?

I thought it was drinks though

From OPer post...
one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex

If the ex had to travel via a couple of tubes and a train I'd have declined that offer as it's unfair for them to travel such a distance, on a whim, for such a short time, unless the OPer was planning on a very late evening.

I don’t think anyone has suggested that you’re cheating. That isn’t really the issue. The issue is that what you did looks Iike it was very deliberately calculated to piss off your husband as revenge for him not being able to make your ‘date’. I doubt your husband even really thinks you’re cheating - he just thinks you’re behaving in a deliberately unpleasant way.

I wouldn’t care how he’s react because I wouldn’t ever do that to him tbh

My husband would not be ok with that and I absolutely would not be ok with that if it wa Steph other way around

Perhaps your DH trusts you but thinks the ex still fancies you and is uncomfortable with that? Your ex seems to have gone to quite a bit of effort to come out with you for a couple of drinks. I would have been looking for friends or family close by and not contacting the ex.

Except it is not your Mum. Your next post, TBF, says it all.

@Whaney Btw there was absolutely no spite involved. Just a person not wanting to rot their life away on a sofa.

Find some FEMALE friends if you are so worried about rotting your life away on the sofa. Get a hobby. Join a book club. Or, just keep making excuses about why you feel the need to "go out" with your ex.

Your SO deserves better. I don't blame him a bit for how he feels.

Either be single or be married but make a choice.

As soon as your DP cancelled you reaction was immature and emotional. I’m not going to rot on the sofa and texting round for a replacement says it all. Just admit being blowed off triggered you.
You might want to kid yourself but everyone else can see clearly what happened. Not only that your best option was the one where you didn’t have to make any travel effort. Likely an ex who still has feelings for you. I’m sure he felt a right idiot too travelling all that way only to hear you beg your DP to come out (!) then rushing and blowing him off too.
Your DP has every right to be thoroughly p’d off. It’s not like work is fun. OP you need to grow up and take ownership that the fall out of your actions are entirely of your own making.

My exbf knew my ex who was still a friend so it wouldn’t have been an issue because they had met many times. My exh sneaking off to see an ex who I had never met and never heard of did cause an issue.

Rotting on the sofa is a massive over-reaction.

You need to get things into some perspective,

you seem to resent the fact your DH is having to work shifts. What would you rather he did .... rot on the sofa?

I think this is fine because you're going out with a friend. IMO it's not that relevant that you dated them for a fairly short time because the relationship has always predominantly been one of friends rather than lovers. If this is someone you see regularly then it's usual behaviour for you.

I've been with my husband for 25 years, honestly no possessiveness from either of us but neither of us ever go out for meals with a single person of the opposite sex unless for work purposes, especially ones we've previously dated.

And denial is a river in Egypt 😉

Texting around desperately because your DH can’t make dinner is just weird OP. Likewise your ex travelling all that way to come to you…

Completely trusted to me would mean also being trusted not to arrange to go out with an ex because I cancelled on you.

I'm all for independence and autonomy and wouldn't bay an eyelid at you going out (I'm a woman so I'm imagining you as my husband )

Whole thing is an odd concept to me.

My husband goes on holiday with his ex in a group setting with quite a few of them related to a hobby. I don’t go. I’m not jealous and I trust him.

but I would be extremely unhappy about him going out on a 1-1 dinner with her even though I trust him. Particularly if it was arranged in the manner you’d arranged it as it would feel like he’d done it to piss me off. Someone who loves you shouldn’t do things to upset you on purpose and it would really make me question the whole relationship. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who could tramp,Ed over my feelings/cause me hurt like this.

Haven't read the whole thread but read the OP and it said nothing about an ex being sat in the kitchen, so why is that mentioned in the thread title?

You sound kinda desperate OP. You're a married 31yo not 18.

I've assumed the husband walked in on the ex sitting in the kitchen while the op was upstairs curling her hair ready for their meal out.