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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would your husband react to coming home and finding ex sat in the kitchen?

275 replies

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:03

how would your husband react to this….

You and your newly married husband decide to go on a date as you have been a bit like passing ships due to work commitments.

Husband very apologetically cancels. And you accept that.

Very last minute you decide you’re not going to stay in and get a takeaway you will go out as you’re only young once (I’m 31). After having wfh for a few days and not really left the house. You message around and one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore. You only dated for 6 months and were friends for many years before dating. And still are.

You agree ex will pick you up. As you finish curling your hair your husband comes home. He has not checked his phone where you informed him of everything that is going on.

The marriage is very heathy. Controlling behaviour and possessiveness is not really accepted by either party.

How would your husband feel/react in this situation?

Husband is aware his wife has never cheated and would never after having a very traumatic experience involving infidelity

OP posts:
3luckystars · 04/10/2025 13:38

It’s about respect for your husband it’s not about trust at all. Why did you do that to him?

LondonLady1980 · 04/10/2025 13:38

Whaney · 04/10/2025 13:20

I get it could look a bit shit from the outside but like I said I have never even come close to cheating. It’s just not in my nature. I hoped I would be in a marriage where I was completely trusted.

So basically, you can be as disrespectful to your husband as you like, as long as you don't cheat?

That sounds like a great marriage.......

ObliviousCoalmine · 04/10/2025 13:40

He’d wonder why I was punishing myself with an evening of dull conversation and banality with my ex husband.

B1anche · 04/10/2025 13:40

3luckystars · 04/10/2025 13:38

It’s about respect for your husband it’s not about trust at all. Why did you do that to him?

You are spot on. All this about 'trust' is just a smokescreen. OP has zero respect for her husband.

gonepottyy · 04/10/2025 13:41

How would YOU feel op, if you were working late when he wanted to treat you to a date night so his ex got all done up for him and went instead?
What if you made it home and he could have gone with you but he still chose to take her out for dinner and drinks instead?

Coconutter24 · 04/10/2025 13:45

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:14

It’s not a date. Is going to the pub with your mum a date?

Show quote history

Most people haven’t had sex with their mum

InBedBy10 · 04/10/2025 13:47

Whaney · 04/10/2025 13:20

I get it could look a bit shit from the outside but like I said I have never even come close to cheating. It’s just not in my nature. I hoped I would be in a marriage where I was completely trusted.

You keep spinning this as your husband is jealous and controlling. If that was the case then he wouldn't have been happy with you and your ex meeting up twice a month. I think he was looking forward to a night with his wife and is deeply hurt she'd rather go out with someone else. The fact it's your ex just rubs salt into the wound. Can you really not see his point of view? You sound very emotionally immature.

Coconutter24 · 04/10/2025 13:48

Whaney · 04/10/2025 11:21

I didn’t know husband was coming home earlier than expected.

anyway, he’s very off with me after exchanging words when I came home. I personally find it very off putting that husband is this possessive. I begged husband to join us but he declined. I ended up having a very rushed meal so that I could get home to dh who was nasty to me. My friend had caught a couple of tubes and a train to meet me so I wasn’t going to cancel our plans

I am a very honest person and genuinely have never been tempted to cheat in my life. I genuinely just do t have that gene iykwim.

So it’s your husband’s fault this is an issue because he came home early to find you and your ex in your kitchen getting ready to go out!
Would you be totally fine if he had an ex sat in your house and then planned to take her to dinner?

MoominMai · 04/10/2025 13:49

You’re right that DH shouldn’t be controlling and jealous and should believe that your your ST ex is back to being a regular bestie but….still. I think you have messed up here. It’s not like he deliberately let you down on date night - even though I get that it wasn’t a ‘date’ with your ex/male bestie - it still would to him seem like he’s been replaced whereas the dynamic would’ve been different with a female or even male family member.

Imagine if roles were reversed and DH work slowed down for a bit but yours amped up and you came home to see DH ex sitting in the kitchen dolled up for an evening together. You know you wouldn’t like it - no matter how long they may have been friemds for. You would just interpret it as a date!

funrunsunday · 04/10/2025 13:51

It's you. I never quite understand people who absolutely refuse to either be alone or be a bit bored and always need someone to fill the void.

The ex isn't even a very distant ex. I don't think I'd be happy either to come home from a knacking day at work to my husband's ex in the kitchen whilst he was upstairs getting ready to go for a drink with her. I trust him implicitly btw ...but I'd be really hurt that the ex seemed like a better option.

Crikey. You don't sounds well suited and you are coming across like you need to be front and centre.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 04/10/2025 13:53

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:03

how would your husband react to this….

You and your newly married husband decide to go on a date as you have been a bit like passing ships due to work commitments.

Husband very apologetically cancels. And you accept that.

Very last minute you decide you’re not going to stay in and get a takeaway you will go out as you’re only young once (I’m 31). After having wfh for a few days and not really left the house. You message around and one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore. You only dated for 6 months and were friends for many years before dating. And still are.

You agree ex will pick you up. As you finish curling your hair your husband comes home. He has not checked his phone where you informed him of everything that is going on.

The marriage is very heathy. Controlling behaviour and possessiveness is not really accepted by either party.

How would your husband feel/react in this situation?

Husband is aware his wife has never cheated and would never after having a very traumatic experience involving infidelity

My husband would think he had inadvertently married someone who needed to do an awful lot of growing up. You cannot be serious.

ainsleysanob · 04/10/2025 13:53

Whaney · 04/10/2025 13:20

I get it could look a bit shit from the outside but like I said I have never even come close to cheating. It’s just not in my nature. I hoped I would be in a marriage where I was completely trusted.

No one comes close to cheating until they cheat.

Hankunamatata · 04/10/2025 13:53

My husband would be pissed off esp if he made effort to come home early to surprise me.

If you were going to do this I would have rung my husband and had a chat to say you were going out with your friend X. Not about being controlling but keeping each other in the loop properly.

You need to have a discussion with him now as he obviously feels uncomfortable about the situation. And I think its ok that he feels uncomfortable about you going for a meal with an ex. As it could also look a bit like a revenge 'date' cos he stood you up

Lou802 · 04/10/2025 13:59

If you go out with this guy fairly frequently then why was your husband upset about it this time?

LizzieW1969 · 04/10/2025 14:01

InBedBy10 · 04/10/2025 13:47

You keep spinning this as your husband is jealous and controlling. If that was the case then he wouldn't have been happy with you and your ex meeting up twice a month. I think he was looking forward to a night with his wife and is deeply hurt she'd rather go out with someone else. The fact it's your ex just rubs salt into the wound. Can you really not see his point of view? You sound very emotionally immature.

Show quote history

Quite. She’s said she’s 31, but she’s acting like she’s 10 years younger tbh. At 31, one Friday night not going out shouldn’t be seen in such melodramatic terms (rotting away!!).

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/10/2025 14:02

Whaney · 04/10/2025 13:20

I get it could look a bit shit from the outside but like I said I have never even come close to cheating. It’s just not in my nature. I hoped I would be in a marriage where I was completely trusted.

If I were your DH, I wouldn’t be cross because I thought you were cheating. I’d be cross because it’s an odd and disrespectful thing to do. It would be a respect and understanding of appropriate behaviour issue, as opposed to one of trust.

As a few people have asked, if you unexpectedly came home to his quite recent ex (dolled up to go out) in your kitchen, while he was in the bathroom grooming himself, how would you react? Genuinely?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/10/2025 14:03

LizzieW1969 · 04/10/2025 14:01

Quite. She’s said she’s 31, but she’s acting like she’s 10 years younger tbh. At 31, one Friday night not going out shouldn’t be seen in such melodramatic terms (rotting away!!).

Show quote history

Also this. The melodrama about not going out one night - ‘you only live once’ and ‘rotting away on the couch’ and ‘he was the only person who could come out’ - is very 16 year old with FOMO.

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 04/10/2025 14:06

How can your husband “know” you won’t cheat? No one is a cheater until their first time.

He didn’t see your messages? Sure… Of course he did. That’s why he came home early.

DrowningInSyrup · 04/10/2025 14:07

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:14

It’s not a date. Is going to the pub with your mum a date?

Show quote history

No, but is neither is your mum your ex. If it was your mum you wouldn't be writing this post. I'm pretty sure you didn't have a 6 month sexual relationship with her, so your response is ridiculous.

Funnywonder · 04/10/2025 14:08

I have already commented above on your DH’s reaction above. Besides that, I can understand you would be disappointed that your DH cancelled the date night, but why were you so utterly determined to go out? It sounds like your ex had to go to a fair bit of trouble to get there, just so that you didn’t have to ‘rot on the sofa’. I can’t help but agree with other posters that you wanted to send your DH a big fat message, whether consciously or unconsciously. You still went out, even though your DH came home and was visibly annoyed. I really don’t think that’s normal behaviour in a marriage, or any relationship. You seem more annoyed by the fact that you couldn’t properly enjoy your night out because your DH had the cheek to be pissed off.

tatasa · 04/10/2025 14:14

How Would you react OP if you arrived home early to DH prepping for night out with his ex?

I don’t think my DH would be happy with me heading out with a male friend at all, regardless whether he’s an ex or not, and visa versa.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 04/10/2025 14:17

I've read all of the OP updates and it's one of those never going to change my mind kind of threads despite the overwhelming 94% yabu.

Kurkara · 04/10/2025 14:18

Whaney · 04/10/2025 13:20

I get it could look a bit shit from the outside but like I said I have never even come close to cheating. It’s just not in my nature. I hoped I would be in a marriage where I was completely trusted.

So you're looking for an excuse to end the marriage?
I think skip the weird concocted scenarios and just tell your husband your marriage is not what you thought it would be. Then you can go your separate ways with some modicum of dignity.

CinnamonBuns67 · 04/10/2025 14:19

How would you feel if your husband did that and went out for dinner and drinks with a woman he has a sexual history with?

I'd not be pleased if my partners ex was sat in our kitchen and I'm confident he'd not be pleased if my ex was sat our kitchen and that's not even if we/they was going out for dinner and drinks. We'd both be fuming.

Absentosaur · 04/10/2025 14:20

Whaney · 04/10/2025 11:26

I view my ex more as a friend. We met at university. And were only in a relationship for six months…during Covid as well when we were both a bit lonely.

YABVVU. You may see your ex as a friend but so what. Does he see you as just ‘a friend’? Does your husband see him as ‘your friend’? I expect the answer to the last two questions, is no.

So it’s not about you, you see. It’s about your husband. In this case. That’s what marriage is. Thinking about each other, not just yourself. For some this is easier than others.