How would your husband react to coming home and finding ex sat in the kitchen?

[Whaney]

how would your husband react to this….

You and your newly married husband decide to go on a date as you have been a bit like passing ships due to work commitments.

Husband very apologetically cancels. And you accept that.

Very last minute you decide you’re not going to stay in and get a takeaway you will go out as you’re only young once (I’m 31). After having wfh for a few days and not really left the house. You message around and one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore. You only dated for 6 months and were friends for many years before dating. And still are.

You agree ex will pick you up. As you finish curling your hair your husband comes home. He has not checked his phone where you informed him of everything that is going on.

The marriage is very heathy. Controlling behaviour and possessiveness is not really accepted by either party.

How would your husband feel/react in this situation?

Husband is aware his wife has never cheated and would never after having a very traumatic experience involving infidelity

"who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore"

...and yet you're "still friends".

Does not compute. I wouldn't be friends with someone for whom I have absolutely no feelings.

Your ex took 2 tubes and a train for a last minute night out. Come on OP, you might not have feelings for him but I'd put money on him having feelings for you.

As your husband got home unexpectedly early, I think he was hoping to have your much needed night out afterall. Instead he found his wife getting ready to go out with another man. I can understand his upset. Inviting him along as a 3rd wheel to you and ex is not the same as a romantic night with his wife.

I think it highlights the bigger picture.
Husband should be putting more effort in , he cancels for what reason? Then appears home early .
You are clearly getting fed up going to work and then fending for yourself. .
Time for you and dh to have a talk about wants and needs .

I have just got myself a big bowl of popcorn and am snuggled down on the couch. Bring it on.

He would be like “WTF?!” And rightly so!

So why call him your ex? You could just call him your friend.

As if all of your actions prior to your husband coming home from work weren't bad enough, when he gets home you still go out on a date with your ex? Leaving DH home alone wondering why his wife is out on a date with her ex? What did your DH spend his evening doing? Looking up divorce solicitors would have been how I spent my evening if I were in his shoes.

And my ex is regularly here without his wife!

I went for a drink with my ex last week. Just me and him. Because we are friends.

But often (more often because his wife works shifts), it’s just him! We were together for a few years but what is actually key is that my husband trusts me because I have never given him reason not to.

But this situation - there isnt a wife, there never has been, its not a couples friendship. It's one sided ex and OP with a 3rd wheel DH. You're not grasping the difference. This isnt a case of "all 4 of us regularly go out but this time his wife wasnt available " .

Totally different.

I bet you dont call your friend as a petty retaliation to you DH being held up at work? And then DARVO the situation when DH is hurt?

Not sure how my husband would
feel. Probably pissed off but not stop me going but I wouldn’t do that to him. Seems cruel to me as if your trying to upset him.

I get it could look a bit shit from the outside but like I said I have never even come close to cheating. It’s just not in my nature. I hoped I would be in a marriage where I was completely trusted.

I think it all depends on intention though. It sounds like you, your DH, ex and his wife are friends, you all go out together, have all known each other a long time, are secure in your marriages and trust each other. So it is not an issue if the two of you go out alone.

OP's situation seems very different and, from her choice of language, it appears she resents her DH and is using her ex to 'punish' her husband for leaving her to 'rot on the sofa'.

I genuinely did not go out with my friend to spite husband. You’re just going to have to believe me on that. Friend/ex was genuinely my best option as he was in a position to come to me. Otherwise I would’ve had to train into London to catch up with other friends or my sisters. I thought it was the best option as I could still be home by 9/9:30pm when I thought husband would be getting home.

I love how MN can make everything get man’s fault 🙄😂

Of course it looks bad.
You said "one of the people who was free" was your ex. So you had multiple options, could have gone out with someone else or even a group but instead chose to see your ex alone.

Op, your title suggests that you knew exactly how your husband would take this. To plead innocence is disingenuous. So unkind.

Again you sound manipulative. You are testing you husband to see if he trusts you. It's as if you are trying to start an argument so you can tell everyone how jealous and unreasonable he is.

If your marriage is not working, then you should end it. Don't play silly games.

No. I would never have my ex come over and sit in my kitchen whilst I go upstairs to curl my hair to go out for dinner with him - even if it’s a 2 min job. I don’t think it’s appropriate - call me old fashioned.

And my DH would probably lose it.

edited to say: it’s not about trust it’s about respect. It has to go both ways.

If ex dh popped round to discuss/see kids dh wouldn’t bat an eyelid but if I went out for drinks/ meal with an ex just the two of us yes he would be miffed

It's not about being completely trusted. (playing the victim again?).

Your first goto, when your husband is going to be late home is to spin the rolodex, land on your ex, and when you called on your ex (of many options) to go on a night out, when you could have got a takeaway and had a night in with DH - who probably rushed to get home - to see his wife getting preened to go out with the ex (hastily made plans, he dropped everything to step in?, took 2 tubes and a train...), You dismissed very real emotions and feelings of your DH and then you DARVO the situation calling him unreasonable and playing victim (how unreasonable of DH to be upset that we had to cut our meal short, how rude of him!) when most people would have spent that time researching divorce lawyers.

You are completely in the wrong.

Do you have even the tiniest bit of empathy for your DH, or is it all about you and your ex?

Oh the irony! You just had a date with your Ex. That IS cheating. Or certainly way closer than I have ever been to cheating. You don't have to have sex with him, for it to count as a betrayal. What you did has upset your DH....you chose a night out with your Ex over him. No way would I ever do that to my DH. You've had 7 pages of comments now siding with your DH, and you still don't get it. Can't see this marriage lasting tbh.

It’s the bringing him into the house thing that is the main issue for me.

Im quite an open person but bringing another man into your home to bring you out is like waving a rad flag in front of the bull.

You must be looking for a reaction.

“Rot on the sofa” is a very strong phrase. There is something bad going on in your marriage.