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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would your husband react to coming home and finding ex sat in the kitchen?

275 replies

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:03

how would your husband react to this….

You and your newly married husband decide to go on a date as you have been a bit like passing ships due to work commitments.

Husband very apologetically cancels. And you accept that.

Very last minute you decide you’re not going to stay in and get a takeaway you will go out as you’re only young once (I’m 31). After having wfh for a few days and not really left the house. You message around and one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore. You only dated for 6 months and were friends for many years before dating. And still are.

You agree ex will pick you up. As you finish curling your hair your husband comes home. He has not checked his phone where you informed him of everything that is going on.

The marriage is very heathy. Controlling behaviour and possessiveness is not really accepted by either party.

How would your husband feel/react in this situation?

Husband is aware his wife has never cheated and would never after having a very traumatic experience involving infidelity

OP posts:
Cnidarian · 04/10/2025 11:50

It's you mate

OverlyFragrant · 04/10/2025 11:53

I've no husband so can't answer in that respect. But if the shoe was on the other foot and I saw my SO readying themselves to go on a date with an ex after I had to cancel our date, yeah I'd be pretty fucking pissed off.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 04/10/2025 11:53

CouldBeOuting · 04/10/2025 11:46

My DH would pour my ex a beer and have a chat! He and his wife regularly come over and we regularly go to their place.

@CouldBeOuting

On what was supposed to be your date night?

Key words in your post: he and his wife.

FuzzyWolf · 04/10/2025 11:54

If my DH came home to my ex in our house I expect he would be bemused as he lives many miles away and whilst we are social media friends, we really don’t have any contact these days and I have been with DH for 20 years.

The difference is that the OP’s actions come across as petty and ego boosting to play her husband off against an ex. I would imagine some of his anger is directed at himself as disappointment for the personality of the person he married.

OrangeSunsetSkies · 04/10/2025 11:55

You book something with husband that is paid for and arranged in advance so he doesn't get to cancel it due to work commitments. Time is booked off.

Sometimes one person does something and another person interprets it and both perspectives can be valid.

And evaluating the impact of your behaviour, impact of your comments, recognising that sometimes it's not what you want at the expense of how you got there etc. is a good thing.

APC303 · 04/10/2025 11:56

This would get my hackles up tbh.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 04/10/2025 11:56

My partner wouldn't be bothered by this. We trust each other and he knows the exes I consider proper friends.

whataweekImhaving · 04/10/2025 11:58

Only dated for 6 months and friends for long time before that. All sounds fine and reasonable.

Except my husband told me that and turns out he’s been sexting his ex. Saved in his phone under a fake name etc. All sorts.

it’s all fine until it’s not, and in your husbands shoes I’d say it’s quite a gamble to give that level of trust.

I gave that level of trust and it backfired on me.

Mumto2at · 04/10/2025 11:59

Weird, neither of us would be happy if the other did that

BauhausOfEliott · 04/10/2025 12:00

Whaney · 04/10/2025 11:26

I view my ex more as a friend. We met at university. And were only in a relationship for six months…during Covid as well when we were both a bit lonely.

The relatively recent nature of the relationship with the ex and the rapidity with which you married your husband sheds some light here, I think.

To be honest, every detail - including the fact that you describe the invitation to your ex as “not wanting to rot your life away on the sofa” - suggests that you’re bored with your marriage, were pissed off that your husband had to cancel your ‘date’, and invited your ex to replace him deliberately to make your husband jealous, out of spite.

Your faux-innocent, wide-eyed “But why would my husband mind? I simply don’t understand” act is really tedious. You were being manipulative and petty. Grow up.

Namechangerage · 04/10/2025 12:01

Hmm.

So me and husband are booked in for date night. And something comes up for me at work so I have to cancel.

But wait, I get to move some things around and rush home to surprise DH. And I find him tarting himself up and his EX outside ready to pick him up?? F that.

I wouldn’t care if he got another offer to meet friends in the pub or whatever (but weird if he felt he had to overly preen himself for that..)

It feels like a spite move on your part OP, no matter how “friendly” you are with ex. And why doll yourself up?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/10/2025 12:03

@Whaney I think the real question should be is why the hell are you still in contact with your ex?????

toomuchfaff · 04/10/2025 12:04

CouldBeOuting · 04/10/2025 11:46

My DH would pour my ex a beer and have a chat! He and his wife regularly come over and we regularly go to their place.

But the ex's wife wasnt there, doesn't exist. This wasnt a couples outing, this was OP, Ex... No ex's wife, no OP DH. This ex took an hour and 3 tube trains to get there. Totally different relationship, totally different situation.

FuzzyWolf · 04/10/2025 12:05

BauhausOfEliott · 04/10/2025 12:00

The relatively recent nature of the relationship with the ex and the rapidity with which you married your husband sheds some light here, I think.

To be honest, every detail - including the fact that you describe the invitation to your ex as “not wanting to rot your life away on the sofa” - suggests that you’re bored with your marriage, were pissed off that your husband had to cancel your ‘date’, and invited your ex to replace him deliberately to make your husband jealous, out of spite.

Your faux-innocent, wide-eyed “But why would my husband mind? I simply don’t understand” act is really tedious. You were being manipulative and petty. Grow up.

Show quote history

Agree with this.

Namechangerage · 04/10/2025 12:06

BauhausOfEliott · 04/10/2025 12:00

The relatively recent nature of the relationship with the ex and the rapidity with which you married your husband sheds some light here, I think.

To be honest, every detail - including the fact that you describe the invitation to your ex as “not wanting to rot your life away on the sofa” - suggests that you’re bored with your marriage, were pissed off that your husband had to cancel your ‘date’, and invited your ex to replace him deliberately to make your husband jealous, out of spite.

Your faux-innocent, wide-eyed “But why would my husband mind? I simply don’t understand” act is really tedious. You were being manipulative and petty. Grow up.

Show quote history

Yep! And one night not going out is hardly rotting away, unless there is a massive drip feed of your new DH being agoraphobic…

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 04/10/2025 12:06

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/10/2025 10:13

I think this looks petty by the party going out. It feels a bit like if you won’t take me out I’ll find a man who will.

This

IsThishmmmmm · 04/10/2025 12:09

Kindly op,sounds like you need to get a life

Tiswa · 04/10/2025 12:09

And how does he view you @Whaney given at the last minute he got two tubes and a train to go out for dinner with you

the thing is it is kind of cheating going out on a date night with a man who isn’t your husband - and if you consider him having an issue with that then I don’t think marriage is for you right now

the lines are blurred in this and I think your husbands reaction is fairly normal

ainsleysanob · 04/10/2025 12:09

If me and my new husband were like ‘passing ships’, and he cancelled going out, I would simply wait for him to come home, and enjoy our evening together when he eventually did get home. But no, you got the titty lip on about having to spend one evening waiting for him (rotting away!), rang your ex to organise a date with instead, essentially replacing your husband and then think he’s controlling and possessive because he isn’t ecstatic about it. Yeah, not sure marriage is for you.

Needaglowup · 04/10/2025 12:10

You sound quite manipulative and a bit of an attention seeker?

ZoggyStirdust · 04/10/2025 12:10

BauhausOfEliott · 04/10/2025 12:00

The relatively recent nature of the relationship with the ex and the rapidity with which you married your husband sheds some light here, I think.

To be honest, every detail - including the fact that you describe the invitation to your ex as “not wanting to rot your life away on the sofa” - suggests that you’re bored with your marriage, were pissed off that your husband had to cancel your ‘date’, and invited your ex to replace him deliberately to make your husband jealous, out of spite.

Your faux-innocent, wide-eyed “But why would my husband mind? I simply don’t understand” act is really tedious. You were being manipulative and petty. Grow up.

Show quote history

Spot on

op you’re completely out of line here, and being very manipulative and disingenuous. You carry on like this you won’t have a marriage and it won’t be your husbands fault

fastingforweightloss · 04/10/2025 12:10

Oh, please stop with the faux naivety. Absolutely nobody that I know would suck this up. It was a shitty thing to do. At least own it. And your Ex should have known better than to be on your DH's turf - that's hugely over stepping.

There NO WAY that I would go out on a date with my Ex. And we were together for 20 years and share adult children. We don't speak - ever. Even if I did want to spend time with him, there is no chance that I would risk my 17 year marriage to DH.

No wonder so many marriages fail - people are so stupid. If you want this marriage to last, you need to improve your boundaries and grow up.

chattyness · 04/10/2025 12:12

OP you may view your ex as a friend, but he is your ex boyfriend and that's how your husband sees him. That's not a nice thing to do & no matter how hard you try to justify it and brush it off as friendship, it's really inappropriate & disrespectful towards him and your marriage.

3luckystars · 04/10/2025 12:12

Why did he come to your house to wait for you if it’s not a date?

Honestly this is really bad form and put yourself in your husband’s position, how would you feel? It doesn’t matter if he is your ex or not, coming home finding a man waiting in your house to take out your wife is really insulting to your husband in his own home.

Nestingbirds · 04/10/2025 12:12

My dh would be massively unimpressed. To say the least. Op why didn’t you just catch up with girl friends? I would assume the marriage is already in a rocky place if she considers her life is rotting away her youth for example.