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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would your husband react to coming home and finding ex sat in the kitchen?

275 replies

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:03

how would your husband react to this….

You and your newly married husband decide to go on a date as you have been a bit like passing ships due to work commitments.

Husband very apologetically cancels. And you accept that.

Very last minute you decide you’re not going to stay in and get a takeaway you will go out as you’re only young once (I’m 31). After having wfh for a few days and not really left the house. You message around and one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore. You only dated for 6 months and were friends for many years before dating. And still are.

You agree ex will pick you up. As you finish curling your hair your husband comes home. He has not checked his phone where you informed him of everything that is going on.

The marriage is very heathy. Controlling behaviour and possessiveness is not really accepted by either party.

How would your husband feel/react in this situation?

Husband is aware his wife has never cheated and would never after having a very traumatic experience involving infidelity

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 04/10/2025 10:51

Even after being with my husband for 50 years, I think he would quite rightly be really pissed off if he found one of my exes in our house!

ItWasTheBabycham · 04/10/2025 10:51

If I came home from a long day at work to find my husbands ex at the kitchen table and him getting ready upstairs when I’m shattered and just wanted to chill out together I’d be fuming

Funnywonder · 04/10/2025 10:58

I think my DP would be pretty annoyed to be honest. He wouldn’t be angry or anything, but I reckon he would have some questions. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d have plenty of questions.

Are you going to tell us how your husband reacted OP?

MyLimeGuide · 04/10/2025 10:59

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/10/2025 10:13

I think this looks petty by the party going out. It feels a bit like if you won’t take me out I’ll find a man who will.

This. Bad play.

MissBattleaxe · 04/10/2025 11:00

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:14

Btw there was absolutely no spite involved. Just a person not wanting to rot their life away on a sofa

Theres a massive spectrum of other choices between rotting on a sofa and dating your ex, because that is what you're doing, regardless of how you're phrasing it.

WallLight · 04/10/2025 11:02

Grow up, OP. You visibly resent your husband’s lack of availability, and set this up as a punishment.

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2025 11:03

I don't know how he'd react.

But if I had to cancel 'date night' and the only person my partner could find to go out with was his ex, I'd consider this to signal a shift in our relationship. And not a positive one.

toomuchfaff · 04/10/2025 11:03

one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex

So there were other options? There were other people who were free and you chose the ex?

HK04 · 04/10/2025 11:07

Whaney · 04/10/2025 10:14

Btw there was absolutely no spite involved. Just a person not wanting to rot their life away on a sofa

BS. If not spite, a passive aggressive dick move at the very least. Saying is going to the pub with your Mum a date reinforces that this is game play at its worst. Two don’t even compare and not big or clever to try and twist it.

No doubt your DP also demented with such nonsense I am so innocent answers. Be better just to admit the set up with his work isn’t ideal and you want more time/attention and were put out getting blown off. To ‘message everyone’ and land an ex was an emotional response. Anyone truly not bothered woulda poured a glass, put on their jammies and enjoyed a wee chill.

toomuchfaff · 04/10/2025 11:09

I read my husband your post:

If your first goto is your ex - get out. He doesn't deserve her. You're going out because you only live once? He was on his way home, could have had the takeaway together but a night out with your ex beat a night in with your husband. He doesn't deserve that. Out

FrauPaige · 04/10/2025 11:11

I would use the evening to reconnect with my old female friends so that I would have an active circle of friends that would be up for a drink at shirt notice if I suddenly found myself on the wrong end of a cancellation.

Deal with the core issue - insufficient social circle, insufficient hobbies - and try to fix the unresolved desire to be taken out on the town by reconciling that only one man can do that now, when he is available.

Squigglydums · 04/10/2025 11:11

I think you are being quite disingenuous. You see this friend quite regularly and it sounds like he is your back up when your husband is not available. I would be annoyed too if my DP choice of company was always an ex, every time my back is turned due to work commitments. Also, your choice of words are quite telling of someone who is becoming resentful. ‘Rot away on the sofa’ ‘waste my life away’. Go to marriage counselling.

MaplePumpkin · 04/10/2025 11:14

In answer to the question “how would your husband react…?” I have to be honest and say I have absolutely no idea because I couldn’t imagine ever being in this situation, or putting him in this situation.
If I got home and my boyfriend was doing his hair and getting dressed up ready for a night out with his ex, I certainly wouldn’t be best pleased. Who would be?!

mindutopia · 04/10/2025 11:17

I think Dh would be pretty freaked out and hurt. He would be polite, not angry, but he would be upset. Rightly so.

I am friends with several exes. I’ve actually never had a relationship end where an ex didn’t want to stay friends and I’m friends with most of them. I’m a likeable drama free person. Been with Dh for 17 years, so exes are from 17-25+ years ago. Dh and I went to ones wedding! I’m friends with his wife, who is lovely. None of them live locally and we never see each other. Just message and keep in touch on social media.

Dh has no problem with that, but I wouldn’t invite any of them to my house. That’s our private space. And I wouldn’t meet up with any of them without making sure Dh was comfortable. I probably wouldn’t meet up with any of them at all, except as a couple, as frankly I don’t want to be that friendly with any of them in that way. For one of them to pop up in our kitchen would be pretty weird.

Livpool · 04/10/2025 11:20

Ciderapplevinegar · 04/10/2025 10:09

Well it definitely feels like a spite move. I'm very chilled and trust my DH, but I'd find it weird to be replaced on date night by an ex.

Exactly!

It is either a spiteful or passive aggressive one.

Original poster
Whaney · 04/10/2025 11:21

I didn’t know husband was coming home earlier than expected.

anyway, he’s very off with me after exchanging words when I came home. I personally find it very off putting that husband is this possessive. I begged husband to join us but he declined. I ended up having a very rushed meal so that I could get home to dh who was nasty to me. My friend had caught a couple of tubes and a train to meet me so I wasn’t going to cancel our plans

I am a very honest person and genuinely have never been tempted to cheat in my life. I genuinely just do t have that gene iykwim.

OP posts:
Livpool · 04/10/2025 11:21

Also, no one ever knows 100% that their partner would never cheat

Original poster
Whaney · 04/10/2025 11:21

We met up at my house as it’s close to the station. And we then walked to my local.

OP posts:
B1anche · 04/10/2025 11:24

Whaney · 04/10/2025 11:21

I didn’t know husband was coming home earlier than expected.

anyway, he’s very off with me after exchanging words when I came home. I personally find it very off putting that husband is this possessive. I begged husband to join us but he declined. I ended up having a very rushed meal so that I could get home to dh who was nasty to me. My friend had caught a couple of tubes and a train to meet me so I wasn’t going to cancel our plans

I am a very honest person and genuinely have never been tempted to cheat in my life. I genuinely just do t have that gene iykwim.

You sound very manipulative.

HK04 · 04/10/2025 11:25

I am a very honest person and genuinely have never been tempted to cheat in my life

OP you’re not that honest. The way you’ve narrated this shows that. It’s not about cheating it’s the manipulation. Using your ex. Creating a situation all because you were put out. Don’t blame your DP and hoping your ex has the sense to tell you to get lost next time you use him too.

Original poster
Whaney · 04/10/2025 11:26

I view my ex more as a friend. We met at university. And were only in a relationship for six months…during Covid as well when we were both a bit lonely.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/10/2025 11:27

I don’t think being friends with someone you once dated is automatically a problem. People are adults; relationships evolve.

So it really depends on what space that person occupies in your life now. Is he just a mate who happens to be part of your and your husband’s wider circle? Or is he still, in your head, the ex? The fact you called him your ex rather than your friend does rather give the game away. In that case, yes, it’s a bit odd. I wouldn’t expect your husband to be thrilled. Would you be, if he were off on nights out with an ex? Probably not.

JLou08 · 04/10/2025 11:28

I think my DH would very angry. It seems like some immature mind game tbh, husband cancelled date so wife goes out with ex, timing it so that husband sees her putting effort into doing her hair and sees her being picked up by ex.
If my DH tried this with me I'd be questioning the marriage.

opencecilgee · 04/10/2025 11:28

i would he hurt if i came home and husbands ex GF is in ky kitchen whilst he’s upstairs getting ready for their cosy date

anyone would?

opencecilgee · 04/10/2025 11:29

Whaney · 04/10/2025 11:26

I view my ex more as a friend. We met at university. And were only in a relationship for six months…during Covid as well when we were both a bit lonely.

Crikey, so that’s only 5 years ago. Your relationship with husband is still v new