How would your husband react to coming home and finding ex sat in the kitchen?

[Whaney]

how would your husband react to this….

You and your newly married husband decide to go on a date as you have been a bit like passing ships due to work commitments.

Husband very apologetically cancels. And you accept that.

Very last minute you decide you’re not going to stay in and get a takeaway you will go out as you’re only young once (I’m 31). After having wfh for a few days and not really left the house. You message around and one of the people who is free for a meal and a drink is your ex who you have absolutely no feelings for anymore. You only dated for 6 months and were friends for many years before dating. And still are.

You agree ex will pick you up. As you finish curling your hair your husband comes home. He has not checked his phone where you informed him of everything that is going on.

The marriage is very heathy. Controlling behaviour and possessiveness is not really accepted by either party.

How would your husband feel/react in this situation?

Husband is aware his wife has never cheated and would never after having a very traumatic experience involving infidelity

Why would your husband want to join you and your ex, who you brought into your shared space? He's not the one in the wrong here at all.

VERY manipulative. And lacking in self awareness. No acknowledgement whatsoever of all the replies or the outcome of the poll; just repeated self justification.

And now @Whaney you are suggesting your DH is possessive? Are you serious?

I'd be absolutely crushed if my DH did this to me.

You didnt know he was going to come home early, reads as 'if he didnt come home early he would never have seen him in our house anyway'

There's is absolutely no way I would ever ditch my husband to go out with an ex, just the two of us and my husband would be very unhappy to come home from work to find an ex in our home with me alone and then to go out just the 2 of you, for a meal... not a few drinks... meal.. that reads of a date.

But your the injured party because he is upset and 'had to rush your meal'

The way you are trying to convince yourself, and all of us, and paint your husband in a bad light, tells me your not quite being honest with yourself.

I would be hurt and upset if I were the husband

I view my ex more as a friend.

Irrelevant how you view it or want to now term it. +What if your ex still has feelings? Getting two tubes and a train and dropping everything would suggest it’s at least possible. He was used too as your actions were manipulative. Saying your DP is possessive for having a reasonable reaction to the situation you created is such BS. An important part of being an honest person is being honest with yourself. It is understandable if you need/want more time with your DP or if it upsets you when he cancels.

If you are just friends then it shouldn’t be much of an issue. But I can see how someone could get annoyed that it seems their place on the date has been taken by another man (in secret as far as your DH was concerned). What do you mean when you say he was nasty to you? What did he say?

You're very manipulative OP. It's even highlighted here in this thread; you won't say how your husband reacted and you won't admit that it was a strategic move on your part.

This is not some man you dated briefly on the late 90s but have been good friends with since. This was probably your most recent experience when you met your husband.

I often wonder why people like you want to get married at all.

Hmm. You make it sound like the relationship happened in uni when you met, but actually this ex is a fairly recent ex if you hooked up during a Covid lockdown. So the reality of the situation is that your new husband came home to find you going out with a man you'd been sleeping with not long before you two got together. So yes, I can see why he's upset.

You seem very emotionally unaware - you also seem care more about not upsetting your ex than you do about upsetting the man you've married.

If I was married to you, I'd be strongly considering the future of our relationship.

This 100%

Agree. I wouldn't want to deal with a lifetime of this kind of manipulative behaviour.

You wouldn’t have a sexual/romantic relationship with your mum though would you. Doesn’t compare

id be livid if I was the husband

You're the victim her? That's what youre spinning? To clarify - youre not the victim.

You orchestrated this whole situation.

Why on earth would you think your new husband would want to join you for a meal with the ex you were probably swapping spit with just before him not 5 years earlier?

You've already said "one of" meaning there were other people you could have called.

You're very manipulative.

DARVO

Deny: The individual denies their wrongdoing or minimizes the harm caused, sometimes by making the victim question their own memory of events.
Attack: The perpetrator attacks the credibility of the accuser, questioning their mental health, motivations, or character.
Reverse Victim and Offender: The aggressor tries to portray themselves as the victim and the actual victim as the aggressor or abuser.

How DARVO is used:
Manipulation: DARVO is a form of manipulative control used to shift blame and avoid responsibility for harmful actions.
Psychological Abuse: It is a common manipulation strategy in psychological and emotional abuse, including in abusive relationships.

It doesn't really matter how everyone else's husband on this thread would react, what matters is how your husband feels and reacts. I think most people would find it weird but then again some people have open relationships so it isn't really for anyone else to judge. If your husband is fine with you dating your ex well that's up to him and yes going out just the 2 of you as you describe would make this appear like a date.

I have an ex bf from many years ago (over 20 years ago, I've been with my husband for 20) who I always got on really well with, I'd love to go out for a drink with him as friends but we are both happily married so I just wouldn't want to upset my husband or his wife. When you breakup and start a new relationship you have to realise you can't continue to have a close friendship with your ex. You can go out in a group if you are still part of the same group of friends, but going out as a couple, I just wouldn't.

OP, how would you feel if you got home and your husband’s ex was sat in your house whilst he got ready to go out with her? Would it bother you?

I think from your husbands point of view (and many people on here), you wanted to go out, your husband couldn’t take you out so you found someone who could….that person happened to be your ex? You could have just gone to the pub on your own which is what your husband would probably have done, or you could have stayed in and maybe cooked something nice for when your husband got in, a date doesn’t have to involve going out?

Maybe marriage isn’t for you? It seems you think you are too young to stay in on a Friday night? And you think it’s fine to go out with your ex……, which is fine if your husband is fine about it and if you wouldn’t mind him doing the same.

You’re “newly married” and already resentful and acting out of spite. Yeah this marriage isn’t going to last long. Keep telling yourself you did nothing wrong. The marriage isn’t going to work anyway so maybe better for it to fall apart before you bring any DC into it.

If my DH did this, even if he was just friends with an ex, I'd be livid!
Why did he cancel your date night if he was going to be home anyway though?
Was he really wanting to come out, but couldn't? If so, that's probably really hurtful. But if he is too tired / can't be bothered, then you have every right to find someone else to go with.
But very much expect your DH to be pissed off either way.

You go out with your ex twice a month and think he is possessive.

If this is what marriages are like now, feels like a parallel universe.

I think my husband would be pissed off to be honest.

My DH would pour my ex a beer and have a chat! He and his wife regularly come over and we regularly go to their place.

I feel sorry for your husband. It’s completely normal to experience negative emotions when your spouse goes out solo with their ex, especially when you describe your current state as a little disconnected.

I think it’s unreasonable to label him as possessive and controlling when he is having a completely human experience of hurt.

Hardly any adult on the planet is exempt from feeling insecure sometimes.

You said he was ‘nasty’ when you came home. What exactly did that look like?

I'll give your "marriage" about 12 months.

People who respect their partners don't socialise with their ex.

If roles were reversed here, 99% would be telling OP to LTB.

@Offloadontome

OP says he apologised very apologetically.

Maybe he felt bad about letting his wife down and worked extra hard / fast (hence missing the texts) or asked for a favour to allow him to get home earlier.

I have done that before. I would have been rushing home to make it up to my DH for messing up our date plans and very focused on getting whatever work task needed to be done completed so that I could log off and get the hell out of there - and probably not looked at my phone.

I don't think the DH is the issue here at all.