To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

But you haven’t been in the same situation at all.

Your siblings had full disclosure and with all of that information have since make informed decisions about the risks involved and then chosen how to proceed - which allowed you to do exactly the same with your choices.

The OPs son does not have full disclosure on the actual facts of his DF. He needs to hear these and see evidence before he can make an informed decision. He may not take it on board, he may reject the OP, he may reevaluate his relationship with his DF - but until he is in full possession of the facts that there is an convicted prolific predatory CS abuser, stalker, burglar in his life then the OP is not doing her DS justice. The DIL and the IL also need to know because of the safeguarding risk to children already in the family (even invited to the wedding) and future children. The DS cannot be relied on to impartially pass on this safeguarding information to his IL or fiancé.

Until this step happens this situation is not equitable to yours @LoftyRobin. I am glad that you are able to decide to attend family events to remain connected to your siblings and this is admirable for you but should not be the expectation for others especially when the perpetrator has not be identified or faced consequences.

The son is being groomed and lovebombed to get back into the OPs life to continue to hound and harass and abuse her and I suspect the perpetrator is also going as far as encouraging or paying for the wedding to achieve his sick goals.

Your contribution to this thread @LoftyRobin has been valuable to show the OP that even with full disclosure her DS may still involve his DF - it’s at that point that OP can decide what next steps she takes.

The timing of that person's posts is interesting. I guess they might have been on shift work.

But he’s unlikely to be dangerous in the context of a public wedding 20+ years on from OP’s last encounter with him.

OP is perfectly entitled to not feel comfortable being in the same place as this abhorrent man. But I would do anything, including trying counselling, to be able to attend my child’s wedding.

Brilliant and thorough response on how to action this very complex and naturally inflammatory situation.

This is one of the saddest posts I've read. Most of us think about the happy day when our children marry, and for you to be put in this position is heartbreaking.

I think you must tell your son everything, or write it down so he can absorb it. If he dismisses it, then you know he's knows all the facts and doesn't care how his dad attending the wedding, is so traumatising for you.

If, after knowing everything, he still thinks inviting his dad is OK, I'd write a letter to his wife to be and her parents, telling them exactly why you won't be attending, and how your son has decided to dismiss rape, stalking and theft from this man. But then I'm vindictive.

I think it will be very hard, but for the safety of future grandchildren I would make sure that he and his future wife know the whole truth as soon as possible. Your ds may be easily fooled, but she may not be so happy to welcome a rapist into a future child's life.

It seems to me that the DS has already prioritised having his father (together with whatever advantages that brings to both) back in his life over his mother’s wellbeing and safety. That is an unusual choice and demonstrates a lack of empathy, if nothing else. I would be concerned about divulging more of my own trauma to a DS who isn’t receptive at this point. Is this something that could be turned back on her? Would the DS minimising her experience be even more painful? Would he speak to his father and he claim she was lying? I think that OP has a right to protect herself.

Sad to say but the OP is possibly still at risk from this man; he would hardly be likely to make the experience easy for her by respecting her space and need to avoid interacting with him. That her son has put his mother in this situation is appalling. He has quite possibly also not been completely honest with his fiancée about his father and mother and their history. There is something jarring to me about his rush to marry and the OP only having met her son’s partner once.

Personally, if my son accused me of simply being bitter about past trauma I would wipe the floor with him. I would ask him just what kind of world he lives in where a victim is expected to sit meekly and play happy families with their rapist/abuser. What kind of privileged position does he hold where he deems this acceptable or desirable? There is something truly abhorrent about his dismissal. I think the OP has picked up on that and is frightened by it. I understand that the situation is complicated because this is his father, however, OP’s son needs to be asked to examine his own motivations rather than putting all the responsibility onto his mother. He has had a difficult background but it doesn’t give him carte blanche to perpetuate the distress of his mother for his own benefit.

Yes, putting grievances and relationship betrayals aside can sometimes work for the overall good but this is in a different league. It isn’t really just about a wedding but about OP’s son respecting her abuse and her need to keep herself safe from further trauma, even if he does still want to pursue his own relationship with his father.

I would think there may quite likely be young and vulnerable girls at a wedding, especially if it goes on late into the night and people have been drinking.

Well yes, but the OP doesn’t have the power to stop the Dad attending.

But you said yourself that your siblings were aware that you and your other sibling were removed from the family due to CSA by this man.

That he then served time for CSA which they obviously were aware of. He was then released and your DM took him back and they have resumed a relationship with him. If you are nitpicking on ‘full-disclosure’ they presumably have access to court records etc. but a custodial sentence and removal of siblings from their home would indicate the gravity of his crimes if not the detail.

So this is not the same situation at all where the DS seemingly has zero insight into the CSA crimes of his DF.

Np, but that post suggests he won't be dangerous, when he clearly is a very dangerous man.

Your action would not be vindictive. It would be a safeguarding obligation.

I second this wholeheartedly, OP. Sending you lots and lots of hugs. 💐

I'm sorry your DS doesn't understand. You can't put a young head on old shoulders, unfortunately.

I would tell your DS and his fiancee in person why you can't be around that piece of xxx. And I would draw your line in the sand with this wedding, otherwise you'll be expected to be at all the future family events with him. You'll just have to celebrate things separately, and they will have to accept that. I think it's important that your DIL knows why, and I wouldn't entrust that communication to him. Sit them both down, tell them exactly how it was, and how it's going to be in future as regards you and Piece of XXX. Take your power back.

I know you might feel awkward telling DIL, but she's going to be family and the other of your future DGC, potentially. Don't let DS make out to her that you're just being difficult for the sake of it. She needs to know - both of them do - and she might become your ally.

Sending you so many hugs xxxx

Yes and the son is aware his dad abused his mum. He just doesn't know exact details.

From the OP:

"He knows about some of the things that happened but probably not the worst of it."

That's the same as my siblings.

So can you now admit that you don't know what the fuck you are talking about and stop speculating on situations that you seemingly have no personal experience with at all?

How naive are some people that sexual abusers outgrow their urges🙄.
Unbelievable.
How many grandfathers have been accuse?
Elderly opportunistic elderly uncles.

Perverted paedophile pigs, never outgrown their urges.
His father is a rapist, always will be.

It is not an obligation at all.

Instead of OP being believed and getting justice as everyone turned on her ex and shamed her son, such an action would almost certainly result in her being dismissed as the bitter, crazy, and lying ex intent on causing trouble. It would almost certainly result in estrangement from her son, DIL and future grandchildren, possibly a permanent one.

It’s easy to say ‘fuck them, blow it all up’ as someone on the outside, but this is OP’s life, and she is the one that would have to live with the consequences. Op should only do that if she’s prepared to lose her relationship with her son.

This is what people don't understand. And the fact they'd go to his wife's family and tell them is just unbelievable to me. It's up to the son what he wants to share. Yes he does have an obligation to protect children and the like, but he can do that without disclosing things he doesn't want to disclose.

If OP’s son is prepared to allow his dad back into his life, despite everything he did to his own mother, and is trying to facilitate a relationship between his mother and her rapist to make his own life easier, then I’d say she hasn’t got a relationship with him. If there is proof that her ex is a convicted sex offender then I don’t see how she can be easily dismissed as bitter and crazy. Her son and his fiancée have two choices. They can stick with dad, risk estranging OP and put any future children in harms’ way, or they can avail themselves of the facts and make an informed decision. Either way it’s not for OP to facilitate by facing her abuser if she doesn’t want to. I simply cannot believe the amount of posters here advising what’s basicallly a compromise to appease her family. It’s disgusting.

I was wondering this, too. It would be great if OP were able to prosecute him for what he did, although I know this would be a tall order.

But that's one day to ensure he can't be at the wedding - because he'd be in jail!

So OP needs to sit him down and tell him the worst of it. This is a rapist we’re talking about, not to mention a child abuser. He’s on the sex offenders’ register and banned from working with children for a reason. DS and his future wife need all the information to hand to make an informed decision on whether to continue to allow him into their lives, and to protect themselves and any future children they may have. If OP keeps quiet and the unthinkable happens what do you think will happen when her DS finds out she knew the truth and kept quiet ?

But they consequences of them trusting him around future children could be huge. They need the full picture to understand what they are potentially exposing them to. If I was the fiance in this situation I would want to know. The man is clearly a potential danger.

It’s like banging your head against a brick wall isn’t it ? OP is in a no win situation. If she tells them she risks alienating them, if she doesn’t tell them she risks something awful happening to either her DiL or any children they have, not to mention the fallout when they inevitably find out that she knew the truth and kept quiet. The responsible thing to do would be to ask for a search on Clares Law and present it to DS for him to do with as he will.

I also reported that poster and Mumsnet said they would take a look but the post is still there, unfortunately. They are on a number of other threads giving unhelpful and goady responses.

Why would this blow up if the OP handled it with professional support in a factual calm matter as has been recommended repeatedly on this thread?

Why would the son be shamed by his DF criminal actions?

Why would anyone accuse the OP of lying when there is documented criminal evidence of some of his SA crimes against children and against her?

It needs to be handled very carefully with direction from professionals on the likely impact
on the DS. However he is also an indirect victim of his abusive father’s manipulation so this needs to be considered and accounted for.