To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

If he's going to side with his father in full knowledge of the facts I also think his fiancee should know that before she actually marries him. It may well be a dealbreaker for her.

I think we all have different interpretations of minimising harm.
No therapist is going to minimise the risk of triggering a repeat rapist stalker event.

Errr... it really depends on the liklihood of it repeating and whether the victim concerned thinks it is reasonable. What is important to note here is that if the victim wants to go the wedding, no therapist would tell her "do not go". That is not what therapists do. At all.

This and handhold to you OP

This is so awful, I’m sorry for what you have been through OP and that you are in this situation now.

First, ignore any suggestions telling you to try to ignore it and attend any meet ups. It’s cruel as well as bad advice. There is a huge difference between someone setting differences aside for child’s wedding day where a relationship broke down, even acrimoniously, to a woman having to be in the same room as a man who has raped and abused her, including when she was a child. You are not in the wrong for feeling unable to put that aside and be in the same room as him. I don’t think ANYONE would be able to put that aside.

Second, it is time to tell your son the full extent of what you suffered. Not only is it important for him to understand why you cannot do it, his father may well be manipulating him. Even if he doesn’t immediately believe you (which I know will be awful but people need time to get their heads around awful things) in time he will and it will make him see through any manipulation faster.

Third, if you can get further therapy, do try to get it. This must be an awful time and you will need a space to process everything, especially if your son doesn’t initially accept what you say.

I wish you the best of luck OP. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this.

There are several reasons that you may not want to share with them the full extent and that you believe they know at least enough to decide what risk that presents to them and theirs.

But they don’t know enough to assess the risk do they ? The man is on the sex offenders register and OPs son is clearly sweeping what he does know of OPs experience under the carpet so he can foster the relationship with his father. And worse, he’s asking his mother to put her own trauma aside and come face to face with her abuser so his own life will be easier and they can play happy families at his wedding. You think this is a situation which will be safe for any woman and child brought into his orbit ? And given that he was stalking OP would she be safe from further interest from him if they met again ?

But the victim clearly doesn’t want to go to the wedding if it means coming face to face with her abuser. She shouldn’t be forced to choose.

Harassment on it's own does not cause automatic barring from working with children. I wonder what additional criminal convictions he has. There will very likely be more.

Is there any way of finding this out?

Knowledge of a fuller picture of offending - especially if recent - may be help OP's son to see the full picture of this man.

Do you have a partner who will be by your side?

i dont blame you for not going to the wedding but you also deserve to be there more than the dad

suspect the dad of the year act will eventually slip but id be worried about the influence he has over your son. So you should try to keep your son close and not push him deeper into abusive arseholes clutches

do you have someone who will be your plus 1 / by your side?

It depends on the specific circumstances. In my case, knowing the bare facts would be enough for many to cut ties. It would be enough for some of those people to "read through the lines" and realise that those who haven't got formal convictions have a certain pattern of behaviour.

I don't see how telling my siblings the graphic details of what happened to me would be beneficial overall. They may cut them off but they'd suffer greatly for lots of reasons. Guilt for one.

If I thought they didnt take safeguarding steps to protect the vulnerable, it would be different, but they do.

The OP said:

"Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞"

I answered with what I'd do because I have been in that situation.

You guys then went on to make out that a therapist would never support the OP if she did want to go and that is very untrue and irresponsible to share in some weird attempt to gain support for what you think she should do.

I don’t think your son will thank you for that information, and I think you’ll find that it’s turned around to show you as the unreasonable one. That’s the horrible thing about manipulators. I wouldn’t offer it unsolicited, as a reason for not attending, I’d just say that you can’t be near his father.

Make it your clear decision. Your son is already being sucked in, but you’ll find that people like your XH always out themselves eventually. In the meantime, you need to protect yourself.

Can I offer you a hug? I know how difficult this must be for you. X

Didn't know you were qualified to know whether OP needs therapy about the wedding, but ok.

If you read my post, I talk about what I would try and do. The OP has asked for advice, and that's what I've offered.

If she wants a professional assessment, then absolutely a therapist is a better punt than Mumsnet.

Secrets and lies. As someone with a family background that has involved domestic abuse, child sexual abuse, and related trauma, withholding information and keeping secrets never ends well. Ever. Whilst it is often, if not always, done with the intention of protecting children (as was in my case), once the truth is discovered (as it almost always is in the end), the damage is huge and reverberates through the generations.

I would tell him the truth. No need for graphic details. But the unfiltered truth. He will discover it himself one day anyway. This kind of family trauma generally comes out one way or the other.

I don’t think any victim of abuse should have minimise, reduce or rewrite their version to make it easier or more palatable for others, it’s not their job to be a care taker. The truth is important. Healing can only truly begin when we face the magnitude of what has happened.

If others can not stomach or face the trauma, then I would gently suggest they are not the best people to surround yourself with.

Of course there is risk to being honest and true to yourself, but don’t you think we all at least deserve that much? Not to carry the responsibility and shame any longer. It’s equally the survivor’s decision to not breathe a word - it’s their life and their choice.

Also OP, if this girls family are decent people, they deserve to be told that their daughter's prospective FIL is violent scum.

I would be beyond devastated if this emerged after my daughters wedding.
I wouldn't want him near my family.
You tell your son the truth and you adbise him to be honest with his girlfriend and her family.
It will not end well if this emerges later.

I would echo what most other people have advised. Don't feel you have to go to the wedding and don't meet the bride's parents at the same time as he does,

One thing I would add (apologies if someone has already mentioned this, but I have not read every single reply). But can you do a Clare's Law request on him? A quick google suggests you can do this on ex partners as well as current partners. This might reveal why he is barred from working with children and if he has been convicted of any offences against children. You can ask the police if you can warn your son so as not to put any potential future children he might have in harms way. You might be able to find out any convictions he has by googling court cases. Even the police might be able to point you to any evidence of convictions that is in the public domain.

I can't imagine he has been barred from working with children unless he has a criminal conviction.

And Sarah’s law too. Good idea.

OP write your son a letter and be completely honest about everything his father did. Ask him not to share it with his father for your safety. He can choose to cosy up to his father if he wants, but if he does then he does so in the knowledge of exactly who that man is and what he's aligning himself with.

I'm so sorry for all you suffered and continue to endure.

OP, first and foremost I want to say how deeply sorry I am for everything you’ve gone through so young.

I am only a bit younger than you and cannot imagine having a 20 something year old.

Remember this: You’ve done amazing. Your son is who he is and is where he is because of all of your sacrifices and hard work. Never forget that.

Now as to the advice, you must have a few sessions with a therapist to discuss this situation and how to approach it, then to deal with the trauma of it all.

I heavily disagree with people saying you shouldn’t tell your son. But he is the product of statutory rape as you were not old enough to consent even if you thought you wanted to have sex when you had him.

The way your son is approaching you with “I know” and “bitter” tells quite clearly he doesn’t know and doesn’t understand.

I believe you should have a conversation with him AND his future wife. - This may sound extreme, but if he really is so swept up by your abuser as he sounds, you need a third party who isn’t as emotionally invested in the abuser notice the red flags and start questioning things.
they also should absolutely know because if he can’t work with children, he shouldn’t be around them either… I would want to know so I can protect my future children.

To make it easier on you, you could write down some of the abuse so you don’t have to spell it out, but you must tell them the full extent of the abuse and then they can make their own decision.
I would fully recommend tolto have the fiancé because she will have a lot more empathy to this than your son as she isn’t emotionally invested and these revelations don’t change her reality.

Lastly, I wonder whether this rekinship with the abuser and his ways is what led your son to change and decide to marry this woman so quickly.
It the first thing I thought after your original post.

Do it for your son.
This kind of thing puts pressure on kids.
My friend had this, she was worried and nervous about her parents being at the same do.
They managed to ignore each other and it all went ok.

Do it for your son is a fine response if it was pure dislike.

This is a violent rapist who is bared from being near children.

Not normal.

By OP agreeing to be present, she gives this violent rapist legitimacy.

No way should she do that for her son, or that poor unknowing girl and her family.

Bloody hell, they will be likely devastated to learn of his fathers character.

Applying for Clare and Sarah's disclose is very wise and will be unchallengeable proof to your son as to his fathers character.

Bitter, over sensitive, crazy, are all the words abusive men use to describe their ex's.

You telling your son the truth are the actions of a loving mother.

You sound amazing OP.

Thank you.

I reported the worst post in the early hours of this morning. I think that we can all see what is happening.