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Original poster

To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

431 replies

GiftBaggage · 03/10/2025 21:46

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2025 14:38

Winnertrinner · 04/10/2025 13:30

But you said yourself that your siblings were aware that you and your other sibling were removed from the family due to CSA by this man.

That he then served time for CSA which they obviously were aware of. He was then released and your DM took him back and they have resumed a relationship with him. If you are nitpicking on ‘full-disclosure’ they presumably have access to court records etc. but a custodial sentence and removal of siblings from their home would indicate the gravity of his crimes if not the detail.

So this is not the same situation at all where the DS seemingly has zero insight into the CSA crimes of his DF.

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Agree. There are facts that DS and his wife should be privy to. It’s a safeguarding issue and a degree of safeguarding is something from which this poster’s family benefited, so I can’t for the life of me fathom why they are advocating denying OP’s family the same opportunity.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2025 14:41

InterIgnis · 04/10/2025 14:03

It is not an obligation at all.

Instead of OP being believed and getting justice as everyone turned on her ex and shamed her son, such an action would almost certainly result in her being dismissed as the bitter, crazy, and lying ex intent on causing trouble. It would almost certainly result in estrangement from her son, DIL and future grandchildren, possibly a permanent one.

It’s easy to say ‘fuck them, blow it all up’ as someone on the outside, but this is OP’s life, and she is the one that would have to live with the consequences. Op should only do that if she’s prepared to lose her relationship with her son.

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And if/when the unthinkable happens and her ex either assaults her DiL or abuses their future children ? What then ? Do you think OP will have any kind of a relationship with her DS’s family when they inevitably discover that she had full knowledge of the risk he posed and kept quiet ?

InterIgnis · 04/10/2025 14:41

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2025 14:19

If OP’s son is prepared to allow his dad back into his life, despite everything he did to his own mother, and is trying to facilitate a relationship between his mother and her rapist to make his own life easier, then I’d say she hasn’t got a relationship with him. If there is proof that her ex is a convicted sex offender then I don’t see how she can be easily dismissed as bitter and crazy. Her son and his fiancée have two choices. They can stick with dad, risk estranging OP and put any future children in harms’ way, or they can avail themselves of the facts and make an informed decision. Either way it’s not for OP to facilitate by facing her abuser if she doesn’t want to. I simply cannot believe the amount of posters here advising what’s basicallly a compromise to appease her family. It’s disgusting.

Edited
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They won’t know they’re ’availing themselves to facts’. They’ll know allegations are being made, those are very easily, and very often, dismissed as lies (incidentally, making the accused a figure of sympathy).

OP loves her son, and it doesn’t seem like estrangement from him and his future family is something she wants. Again, she is the one that has to live with the consequences of whatever action she takes. Only she can decide whether the price of trying to expose her ex is one she is willing to pay. OP is vulnerable, and she needs to prioritize her own mental health and make the decisions that are right for her, not the decisions that others think are right for her.

Is it fair and right that her son isn’t on her side? That her ex is unlikely to ever face justice for what he did to her? No, not at all. Unfortunately, we live in a world where it’s unlikely she’ll get those things, and this is the world she has to navigate.

WearyAuldWumman · 04/10/2025 14:44

thepariscrimefiles · 04/10/2025 14:35

I also reported that poster and Mumsnet said they would take a look but the post is still there, unfortunately. They are on a number of other threads giving unhelpful and goady responses.

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That makes a lot of sense. Given the rules, I'm trying not to say too much but I'm surmising that they're posting from a different timezone.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2025 14:46

GloryFades · 04/10/2025 13:16

But he’s unlikely to be dangerous in the context of a public wedding 20+ years on from OP’s last encounter with him.

OP is perfectly entitled to not feel comfortable being in the same place as this abhorrent man. But I would do anything, including trying counselling, to be able to attend my child’s wedding.

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It’s not him being a danger in the context of the wedding that OP needs to worry about. It’s re-establishing contact. He was convicted of stalking OP at one point in their relationship, and has clearly had convictions since which pose safeguarding issues. Putting aside the clear danger he poses to DS and his fiancée, and any family they may have, it’s not on OP to facilitate her DS’ relationship with his father. And why is the solution not DS asking his father not to attend the wedding, so that OP can ? Why, after everything OP has suffered at the hands of her ex, should she be the one to potentially traumatise herself all over again by allowing this piece of shit access to her again, just to appease her DS ? He’s clearly in thrall to his dad and I think there’s more than meets the eye here.

Winnertrinner · 04/10/2025 14:48

thepariscrimefiles · 04/10/2025 14:35

I also reported that poster and Mumsnet said they would take a look but the post is still there, unfortunately. They are on a number of other threads giving unhelpful and goady responses.

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I have also reported similar recent offensive posts and relieved to see MNHQ have just now deleted them.

InterIgnis · 04/10/2025 14:50

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2025 14:41

And if/when the unthinkable happens and her ex either assaults her DiL or abuses their future children ? What then ? Do you think OP will have any kind of a relationship with her DS’s family when they inevitably discover that she had full knowledge of the risk he posed and kept quiet ?

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I don’t know. I’m not pretending to have the answers here, because I absolutely do not. That is indeed something OP may want to consider (and if she does, I hope she realizes that if that happened, it wouldn’t be her fault). Unfortunately, there’s no getting around the fact that this is a mess of a situation that is unlikely to have a positive outcome. Sometimes the ‘best’ outcome isn’t a good one, but the least negative. What that means for OP only she can decide, hopefully with support for her mental health.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2025 14:50

InterIgnis · 04/10/2025 14:41

They won’t know they’re ’availing themselves to facts’. They’ll know allegations are being made, those are very easily, and very often, dismissed as lies (incidentally, making the accused a figure of sympathy).

OP loves her son, and it doesn’t seem like estrangement from him and his future family is something she wants. Again, she is the one that has to live with the consequences of whatever action she takes. Only she can decide whether the price of trying to expose her ex is one she is willing to pay. OP is vulnerable, and she needs to prioritize her own mental health and make the decisions that are right for her, not the decisions that others think are right for her.

Is it fair and right that her son isn’t on her side? That her ex is unlikely to ever face justice for what he did to her? No, not at all. Unfortunately, we live in a world where it’s unlikely she’ll get those things, and this is the world she has to navigate.

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If, as OP says, her ex has been convicted of a sex crime and is on the register, then a Clare’s Law application may well expose him as a danger to everyone involved. Not so easily dismissed as ‘allegations’ when the facts are in front of you.

Winnertrinner · 04/10/2025 14:55

InterIgnis · 04/10/2025 14:41

They won’t know they’re ’availing themselves to facts’. They’ll know allegations are being made, those are very easily, and very often, dismissed as lies (incidentally, making the accused a figure of sympathy).

OP loves her son, and it doesn’t seem like estrangement from him and his future family is something she wants. Again, she is the one that has to live with the consequences of whatever action she takes. Only she can decide whether the price of trying to expose her ex is one she is willing to pay. OP is vulnerable, and she needs to prioritize her own mental health and make the decisions that are right for her, not the decisions that others think are right for her.

Is it fair and right that her son isn’t on her side? That her ex is unlikely to ever face justice for what he did to her? No, not at all. Unfortunately, we live in a world where it’s unlikely she’ll get those things, and this is the world she has to navigate.

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They won’t know they’re ’availing themselves to facts’. They’ll know allegations are being made, those are very easily, and very often, dismissed as lies (incidentally, making the accused a figure of sympathy).

But that’s not the situation here at all.

The DF has a criminal record for CSA - that’s not an allegation - it’s shown he is a proven convicted paedophile - there will be documented court evidence that can’t be dismissed as lies.

Hairycherry · 04/10/2025 14:56

Winnertrinner · 04/10/2025 14:48

I have also reported similar recent offensive posts and relieved to see MNHQ have just now deleted them.

Show quote history

No they haven’t. Stop lying

Winnertrinner · 04/10/2025 15:02

Hairycherry · 04/10/2025 14:56

No they haven’t. Stop lying

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I am not lying.

I didn’t say they were your posts that I reported and that were subsequently recently deleted.

So you may now want to apologise for that accusation and assumption.

InterIgnis · 04/10/2025 15:05

Winnertrinner · 04/10/2025 14:36

Why would this blow up if the OP handled it with professional support in a factual calm matter as has been recommended repeatedly on this thread?

Why would the son be shamed by his DF criminal actions?

Why would anyone accuse the OP of lying when there is documented criminal evidence of some of his SA crimes against children and against her?

It needs to be handled very carefully with direction from professionals on the likely impact
on the DS. However he is also an indirect victim of his abusive father’s manipulation so this needs to be considered and accounted for.

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Because it very often does, sadly. People coddling abusers and further victimizing the actual victims is not uncommon.

OP hasn’t said he’s been convicted of sex crimes. He’s barred from working with children, which yes, can mean he’s been convicted of sexual offenses, but can also mean he’s been convicted of (non sexual) violent offenses, or neglect.

InterIgnis · 04/10/2025 15:06

Winnertrinner · 04/10/2025 14:55

They won’t know they’re ’availing themselves to facts’. They’ll know allegations are being made, those are very easily, and very often, dismissed as lies (incidentally, making the accused a figure of sympathy).

But that’s not the situation here at all.

The DF has a criminal record for CSA - that’s not an allegation - it’s shown he is a proven convicted paedophile - there will be documented court evidence that can’t be dismissed as lies.

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Where has OP said that he’s a convicted pedophile?

Ivelostmyglasses · 04/10/2025 15:28

LuLuLemonDrizzleCake · 04/10/2025 11:41

Didn't know you were qualified to know whether OP needs therapy about the wedding, but ok.

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No one needs therapy to go to a wedding that could reactivate stalking by rapist is the point.

Hankunamatata · 04/10/2025 15:30

I think meeting in laws separately is fine

Id really try to go to the wedding. Do you have a partner or best friend who can support you through it?

LuLuLemonDrizzleCake · 04/10/2025 15:31

Ivelostmyglasses · 04/10/2025 15:28

No one needs therapy to go to a wedding that could reactivate stalking by rapist is the point.

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Therapy to help think through the decision, consider how to reconcile things with her son?

Like I said, I'm not a therapist so cannot claim to know what one would say. You clearly are a therapist though.

WatchingTheDetective · 04/10/2025 15:31

InterIgnis · 04/10/2025 15:06

Where has OP said that he’s a convicted pedophile?

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I think people are referring to where she says, "I know that he’s barred from working with children though."

Hairycherry · 04/10/2025 15:33

WatchingTheDetective · 04/10/2025 15:31

I think people are referring to where she says, "I know that he’s barred from working with children though."

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This could be OP presuming he’s not allowed due to his other criminal background for burglary. She has not been back to clarify his convictions apart from the ones she said here. A lot of people mistakingly thing having offences (for crimes that aren’t against children) would not be allowed to work with children.

Hairycherry · 04/10/2025 15:33

Think

WatchingTheDetective · 04/10/2025 15:38

Burglars aren't banned from working with children.

@HairyCherry, you're an apologist, aren't you? I know it's good to see two sides of a story but you take that to its extreme, don't you? I've noticed you on threads, giving the benefit of the doubt in some really dodgy scenarios.

Hairycherry · 04/10/2025 15:40

WatchingTheDetective · 04/10/2025 15:38

Burglars aren't banned from working with children.

@HairyCherry, you're an apologist, aren't you? I know it's good to see two sides of a story but you take that to its extreme, don't you? I've noticed you on threads, giving the benefit of the doubt in some really dodgy scenarios.

I know they aren’t, but a criminal record makes it a lot harder to get a job. I work in the legal sector and you’d be surprised how many criminals and families of assume a criminal (ie someone who has stuff like petty theft/ burglary) would be banned from working with kids and vulnerable people.

Ivelostmyglasses · 04/10/2025 15:40

LuLuLemonDrizzleCake · 04/10/2025 15:31

Therapy to help think through the decision, consider how to reconcile things with her son?

Like I said, I'm not a therapist so cannot claim to know what one would say. You clearly are a therapist though.

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I have been really clear in stating these are two different things and that therapy to support talking to her son & managing his responses and choices makes sense. Be as snippy as you like about it, you have misread me.

Hairycherry · 04/10/2025 15:42

OP was presumably with this man before his convictions, hasn’t said he was charged for anything against children (as of yet) so may wrongly presume that means he isn’t allowed to work around children or vulnerable people. If it’s a drip feed and he has been charged for offences RE children then yes that would make more sense.

WetWashingWoes · 04/10/2025 15:44

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 04/10/2025 09:25

I am going to go against the grian and say that not going would be a huge mistake. As awful as it sounds, you are making your DS's wedding about you when it should be about him.

As a survivor of rape, I absolutely understand the gut wrenching paralysis at the thought of having to be in the same space as the person who attacked you. But in the kindest way, you need to show that SOB that his actions do not define you or control you.

Ask DS if you can bring a friend, someone who you know will have you back. Get a beautiful outfit and walk in there with your head held high. Even if you have to fake it til you make it.

Actually, her pushing herself to go, without having had therapy and going in with her eyes wide open, could be re-traumatising and psychologically harmful.

LoftyRobin · 04/10/2025 15:49

Rosscameasdoody · 04/10/2025 14:28

So OP needs to sit him down and tell him the worst of it. This is a rapist we’re talking about, not to mention a child abuser. He’s on the sex offenders’ register and banned from working with children for a reason. DS and his future wife need all the information to hand to make an informed decision on whether to continue to allow him into their lives, and to protect themselves and any future children they may have. If OP keeps quiet and the unthinkable happens what do you think will happen when her DS finds out she knew the truth and kept quiet ?

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No that isnt the right thing to do in every situation. It is very individualised and the victim's needs come first.